Judge — August 25, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UNCLE SIM AND UNCLE JOHNNY REMINISCE. HEN Iwas out on my last trip,"" said the [Traveling salesman who “covers” an / interesting section of the south, includ- ing the two Carolinas, ++I had the pleasure of listening to some lying of the good old cast- I spent a night at a little village hotel in North Carolina, where a select group of the native patriarchs, who rejoiced in their nip of bitters‘ and their chew of cut plug, spent every evening of the week except Sun- day trying to outlie one another. “On the evening I was present a long, lanky, gray-bearded, stoop-shouldered man who was called Uncle Johnny and a little sawed-off, weazen-faced old chap who was known as Uncle Sim were lying each other toa standstill, I hitched up a chair just in time to hear Uncle Sim’s turnip yarn. ++ «One time, when I wuz prospectin’ in Californy in an early day,” he said, +I wuz ridin’ down an awful purty valley on my ole mewl, Hellbent. You all hev heerd me speak uv thet mewl—he could kick a chaw terbacker outen my mouth with me on him. Well, I wuz rid in’ along comfortably, gazin’ at the beauties spread out around me, when suddenly, at a turn in the valley, a big, green-lookin’ hill looms up. It wuz round, an’ the sides sloped gradu'ly to the top, where there wuz a thicket uv tall shrubs. Thinks I to myself, I'll ride around her an’ see how she looks on the other side. So I licked up ole Hellbent an‘ rode fer about an hour, when I noticed thet I'd come back to where I'd started from, Funny kind uv a hill, I thinks, It struck me right off thet the top would be a dandy place to build a house, so I picked out a little hollow thet run zig-zag up the side an’ tried to ride ole Hell- bent up it. He hadn't gone fer when his feet begin slippin’, an’ the first thing I knowed down he went, nearly right on top uy me. Then I saw thet the hill wuz slick, like it had askin on it. Lookin’ closer, I diskivered thet there wuz a skin on it. Ole Hellbent’s shoes had dug it off in several places, an’ the stufl underneath wuz white an‘ joocy. What's this I've struck, anyway, I thinks, an’ I took out my knife an’ chiseled a piece out uy the hill. I thought it looked mighty familiar, so I nibbled it. Geewhillikers +++ What wuz it, Unk Sim? asked a young fellow who had got excited. ‘++I wuz a monstrous tur- nip,’ solemnly replied Uncle Sim. “+A tur-nip I’ exclaimed the hearers. + '-Yes,"declared Uncle Sim ; +a turnip—jest its nacheral growth in the fer-tile soil uv southern “What's this I've struck, anyway, | thinks, an’ I took out my knife Californy.” an’ chiseled a piece out uv the hill.” «The crowd was getting its mouth open ready to guifaw when Uncle Johnny held up his hand for silence. +++Don't laugh yit," he said; ‘I've got the companion piece to thet. I wuz prospectin’ in thet very same valley in Californy in thet very same year. One mornin’, as I wuz walkin’ along with my eye peeled fer a good homestead*site, I heerd a dull roar in the distunce. As I went on it got louder an’ louder, till finally it wuz almost deef*nin’. I headed straight on towards it, fer I wuz dead set on findin’ out what wuz makin’ such a thunderin’ noise. ++ *Waz-al, ‘long about noon I sighted a gigantic black objict away off down the valley. I couldn't tell what it wuz, an’ I couldn't help feelin’ a bit ticklish because by thet time the noise wuz so loud I couldn't ‘a’ heerd a man holler at the top uv his voice if he'd been right in front uv me. But I braced up with a swig uv invigoratin’ spirits which I always carried with me in case I felt faint an’ went on, In an hour or so I wuz close enough to it to see thet, whatever it wuz, there wuz men movin’ about all over it. Fer a while'I thought it wuz a big hill, but I soon diskivered thet it wuz a monstrous cook-pot uv some kind. Thet terrible noise wuz caused by the hundreds of men workin’ on it, hammerin’ an‘ poundin’ an’ rivetin’. It wuz surrounded with scaffulds an ladders, an’ the bail on it, which wuz propped up, ‘reached almost to the clouds—at least I guess it would if there'd been any clouds thet day. © wish you all could ‘a’ seen thet pot Why, the bottom uv it covered acres uv ground, an’ the sides must ‘a’ been at least a hun- dred feet high. One uv the fellers workin’ on it put his lips against my ear—he had to so I could hear him—an’ yelled thet it wuz goin’ to be the big- gest pot in the world.’ “At this point Uncle Sim interrupted. JUDGE'S FAVORITES. ‘What on earth wuz PRIMA DONNA IN ‘HI> HONOR they makin’ a pot as big as thet THE MAYOR: fect he tnnccenitr asked Your charming antics are your own. ers he innocently asked. We think we are in clover *+To cook your big tur- Whene’er we're stopping in the town nip in, uv course !" replied Un- “His Honor the Mayor” rules over. cle Johnny." sases navexscrorr. SHE WENT IN A HURRY. {SS DIMPLE of the + Man and Mermaid" chorus recently secured a speaking part in a St, Paul stock company. She closed her contract with the manager of “Man and Mermaid ” as soon. as possible and hurried west to com- mence her new engagement. At Buffalo she remembered that her wardrobe had been accidentally left behind, and this telegram was soon flying back to New York: Manager * Man and Mermaid ‘— Kindly secure wardrobe in dress- ing-toom vacated by me and for- ward by next mail, ‘Stella Dimple.” NOT UNLIKELY. Scribbler—« Vil starve before I will avrite anything not equal to the greatest poets.” Critic—1 shouldn't be sur prised." IN RACING TERMS. SHE LIKED her fairly well, but never dreamed of pro- posing until he first saw her in evening-dress.” “Won by a neck, I sup- pose. “AD ASTRA.” D!D you ever have tad astra for a motto when a boy— Meaning that to hit the zenith all your efforts you'd einploy ? ‘Twas a sentiment inspiring, ‘twas a notion superfine, Making youthful optics glisten like the gems from Plutus’ ni And you might as well be shooting still at Jupiter and Mars It's a healthy occupation, and—it doesn't hurt the stars. Aiming at the stars—just fancy! What a reckless thing to do When some shooting-star or other might go popping back at you! Yet they didn’t seem to notice that your target-drill was bent In their innocent direction—wonder where your bullets went? Wonder if their dropping backward gave your later life its jars? Anyway, your pupgun practice never seemed to dingé the stars. So go on and have “ad astra” for your motto, little boy ; As a sentiment ‘tis certain to di-tend your swul with joy. Though in after years you'll notice that the twinklers of the skies Oft are mirrored in the brine-drops of defeat within your eyes. Yet, while young, take frequent pot-shots at old Mercury or Mars— It will keep you out of mischief, and it doesn’t bruise the stars. STRICKLAND W. GILLILAX, comicbooks.com