Judge — August 11, 1906 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE OFFERS SOME LITTLE INVENTIONS OF HIS OWN TO HIS WOMEN FRIENDS, WITH HIS COMPLIMENTS. E KEEP an eager, not to say an anxious, eye on the fashions ; and by fashions, of course, we mean the gear and garb of the women folks. Men have no fashions—none worth mentioning. When the button-in-the-back style of incasement struck we saw trouble for the ladies—and other people. The philosophy of the antipodal joinery which obtains so universally in women’s clothes is as yet not perfectly reasoned out; or, to be plain about it, the natural de- sire of the feminine heart to place but- tons and hooks and eyes where they are not to be reached in the first person has so far affected every scientific in- quirer into the sub- ject with pains in the head, loss of appetite, and utter weariness. Of course, there is nothing new in the button - down - the- back arrangement except the univer- sality of it. Beyond a casual glimpse of the problem, an occasional momen- tary wonderment as to how the busi- ness is accomplish- ed, JUDGE took only an academic interest in this subject until this appealing letter came to hand : Wa) \ al | \ “Dear Junce—Will you not use your great influence to change the style that compels women to button their dresses and waists in the back, or else en- lighten them on how it may be done without buttons or hooks and eyes? I weigh 210, I was never consulted about this absurd style, which seems to me to be ‘taxation without representation,’ if there ever was, and I could tell you of troubles the poor women have that would bring tears to your eyes. Think, for instance, of a woman of my weight getting hooked up after incredible toil, only to find at the last that I was one houk out of plumb all the way up! Then I know a modest young girl who had to make a train and was all alone in the house, Now, what do you suppose that poor thing had todo? Actually went into the street and stopped a gentleman, walking with a lady, and begged the lady to step up to her room and hook her up! "t you try to do something for us? Buttons in the back ceased from that moment to be an academic subject with us. JUDGE took the business right up and set it before his eyes. For days he saw nothing but rows of buttons and sutures of hooks and eyes adown tortured female backs. But what could we do? Abolish the practice? Never! JUDGE is too wise an old philosopher to try that. We know how dear to the sisterhood is anything unrea- sonable, difficult, dangerous, painful, or unnecessary. Hence we bent all our inventive genius toward minimizing the hardships of the opera- tion and not to ridiculing it out of ex- istence. And, first of all, we took our cue from the following bit of verse : In her boudoir milady keeps a cow. And why? You'd miss it in a thou- sand guesses. T may as well proceed to tell you nuw— To hook her in the back whene’er she dresses.” A Distressep Woman. Allie, Of course we could not take this liter- ally, but it suggested the value of humor as a sort of distraction from the main grief while “hooking up.” So we hit upon Invention No. 1, which is a little wall-tablet of funny verses, of which the above is a sample. To show how this works, suppose a girl is midway in the trying ordeal, and just feeling along down the left dorsal-fin, and getting ‘The Electric Parlor Buttoner and Hooker. A system of athletics which enables a girl after twelve lessons not only to turn about and look herself square in the back and button her own dress, but to walk round and see if she hangs all right more and more crumpled up and excited and maddened—suppose at this point her eye falls upon the tablet and she reads : “Oh, where is little piggie, the darling little pet? I wonder if the precious lamb has got his breakfast et? And shaggy little shanghai, who roests down in the well, I wonder if the oaken bucket hit him when it fell?” She breaks into a peal of merry laughter, and with another twist and hunch breaks the spine in two places, and lo! she is hooked ! Invention No.2 is a system of ath- letics. which ena- bles a girl after twelve lessons not only to turn about and look herself square in the back and button her own dress, but to walk round herself and see if she hangs all right. But our great in- vention is the Elec- tric Parlor Button- er and Hooker. With this simple device a woman is just as well off without a husband as with one. Indeed, we have supplied a hammer attachment which knocks while the buttoning is going on, so that the lady can shut her eyes and feel just as if she was married. This little machine can be carried in any ordinary valise, and is ready for work at a moment's notice. You hang it on the chandelier, or on the wall, or even to a lamp-post, press the button, and it goes to work. JUDGE is now pre- pared to supply these three inventions to the public. «The Wall Tablet of Verses To Make the Lady Laugh Until She Forgets" sells at $50 for a plain edition, and $100 for the edition that is not plain. «A New System of Athletics To Make Woman Subject to Her Clothes” retails at $250. It isn't worth it, but it wouldn't be so fashionable for less, The ‘Electric Parlor Buttoner and Hooker; or, Why Marry a Knocker When You Can Buy One at Half the Price ?” costs $1,000. If you haven't got the thou. send ten stamps and it will be mailed free with our grand free package of consolation prizes. This is not worth anything, but that isn't the way we bill it to the public. PERPLEXING. She (with exasperation)—* I—I wish I had never married you !"" The brute—+ Considering the extraordinary similarity of our opin- ions, my dear, it is curious that we are not better contented.” A SUMMER ROMANCE, UMMER maiden. Full of fun. Summer fellow. Chapter One. Moonlight evening. Naught to do. Tender topics. Chapter Two. Sparkling diamond. Love will be Ever cherished. Chapter Three. August passes. Girl no more. Likewise diamond. Chapter Four. Young man wakens. Heart to mend. Love next season? NO! The End. PERRINE LAMBERT. WHY NOT? Munn —*1 discovered a curious thing about one of my hens the other day. She eats tacks.” Chausen— And lays carpets?” comicbooks.com