Judge — March 10, 1906 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Westen Apvantisine Orrice—1313 Hartford Building, Chicago, It One copy, one year, One copy, six mont ‘One copy UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE. Uhirteen weeks ° : 135 TERMS TO SURSCRIDERS: numbers « $300 290 Tncluding the Cuxistatas Juve. FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS—To ail foreign countries inthe postal union, $4.30. year. Evnoreay sates-acewts—lnternational News Company, Bream's building, Chancery Lane, E.C, London : Brentano's, Avenue de" Opera, Paris: Saarback's News Exchange, Mains, Gt The contents of FUDGE are protected by copyrigM in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this conyright will be promptly and digorously prosecuted. CONTRIBUTORS must inclose a stamped and self-addressed erfvelove wth all manuscripts, othefteise return of the Latter when found unavailable cannot be guarantecd. DRAWINGS and all contribations sent to the Art Department should have the sender's full name and adéress written plainly on each and every separate sketch. The accompanying Jobe or descriptive letter-press should in every instance be written upon tts indroidual picture, and NOT upon a separate slip of paper. tnsure safe and promot return of material not accented. ON HELPING THE THIEF TO LIFT YOUR OWN PIG. [8 A NEW JERSEY TOWN one night, not long ago, a stranger drove up to a farmer’s house and roused the good man from his slumbers at an hour long past midnight. The farmer was indignant when he discov- ered that a perfect stranger had done this thing, but he relented when he heard the stranger’s story. In brief, the midnight caller explained that he was tak- ing a pig to market, had traveled far, and only at a late hour arrived in that neck of the woods. His pig, a hefty porker of some 300 pounds, had but a moment be- fore escaped and run under the farmer's barn. The stranger was afraid to invade the farmer’s premises to recapture the pig, thinking the disturbance might rouse not only the farmer but his suspicions, and mayhap a shooting-iron or two. At this reasonable tale the farmer got himself has- tily into his clothes and went forth into the night with the stranger; and not the farm- er alone, but his son likewise, whom he chased out of a warm bed in order to have some assistance in the task be- fore them. The pig was shortly located and the chase began. It took an hour to subdue the husky porker, tie him, and lift him into the stranger’s wagon. This done, the stranger, with profuse thanks, melted away down the road, and the farmer and his son went back to bed. The next morning they found they had assisted a clever thief to lug off their own pig. Moral—When the people of these United States are putting up a how! that this, that and the other person has carried off their fatted pig, they have but to prod their memories a little and they will see that they went out themselves and helped the thief to lift the pig into the wagon. THE JOLLY LIFE OF A LEGISLATOR. ‘THE COMMON NOTION that the life of a legislator if ful of toil and anxiety may be true, but it is not the whole truth. The Pennsylvania legislature gave an exhibit the other day which shows how coltish jollity and the sunshine of a care-free life go hand in hand with the stern duties of statesmanship. The Keystone statesmen held a session which bubbled with mirth and other things of a convivial nature. The session opened with a tenor quartette, after which a representative sang a song which began: On the aay that I came over I never shall forget; fy 'Twas raining in the morning and the afternoon was wet.” A resolution was then offered suspending all trains on the Pennsylvania Railroad, so as to give the members a clear track to walk home. There was no dissenting voice in the vote. It was next voted with a hurrah and a shout to abolish said Pennsylvania Railroad. It was then ordered that the Alleghany Moun- tains be moved somewhere near Philadel- Phia, ‘to shut off the reform winds from the rest of the state.” The proposition to hem in the cold wave of Weaverism by thus surrounding it with a range of moun- tains was warmly indorsed. The chair now declared a recess to give the “‘com- mittee on high-balls” a chance to meet. This committee was not ready to report until midnight. Then came more singing and a final resolution, “* That we reconsider all the bills we have passed at this session and find out why we passed them.’” While the jollification was still at its height the governor sent word that he had signed the salary-appropriation bill, and at that this jolly legislature closed its session amid a burst of glad- some song. Inclosure of stamps to the fall amount of postage 1s also rrauired. to So IT’S to be a lock canal. Always knew the thing couldn’t be done on the level. wee WOMEN are honester than men, says a government official, who, by the way, is a man, CKLAHOMA INDIANS ask for prohibition. Shame to impose on In- dians that way. Somebody ouzht to tell them the word means just the opposite of what they think it means. eee A WRESTLING-MATCH at the Lyceum, last week, Smith d feated Smyth. Here we have the general election in a nutshell.” Thus saith Punch anent the labor gains in parliament. AND NOW COMES THE ADULTERATED SHOE. ACCORDING to the Shoe and Leather Reporter, the adulterated shoe is here to further aggravate a people already fraud-driven to the verge of despair. But back of the adulterated shoe we detect a deeper, subtler fraud which we now proceed to shuck out and expose to an age that gloats over exposures. It seems, according to Chief-chemist Wiley, that sole- leather has ten per cent. less hide substance than it ought to have and four per cent. mere of glucose. Our suspicions were roused instantly by the name of Chief Wiley in this connection. Chief Wiley is our national food- expert. What has he to do with sole-leather? Ah! the scent grows warm. We are on the track of a scandal of the first water. But let us be calm. Our beef- steak hasn’t been agreeing with us of late. Why is this? We will abjure indirection and come out plump with the truth as we see it. We surmise, then, that the steak being dished up to us nowadays is really oak bark saturated with glucose and var- nished with extract of beef. In due course a piece of this steak came before Chief Wiley, as food-expert, to be judged. Chief Wiley misapprehended the purport of the sample and assigned it to the sole-leather department, where it was submitted to the sole-leather test. It assayed rich in glu- cose, but was shy on the hide-substance we naturally associate with leather. On this showing some have leaped to the conclusion that we are getting an adulterated shoe. We go deeper and find that we are getting the adulterated shoe in our frying-pans. 1n short, beefsteak has come to be a by-product of the cobbler-shop. Could fraud go further? se RAILROADS are teaching surgery to the brakemen, they break your leg hereafter they'll mend it free. WHEN Secretary Taft invites the Liars to tell their lies about Panama now and ever after hold their peace, he totally misapprehends the That would take all the fun out of lying. WE NOTE that the tworcent-armile crusade is spreading in the legis latures. There seems to be a great deal of health in this crusade, which reminds us that walking always was regarded as a healthy exercise. AFTER trying for forty-three years to make Punch funny, our esteemed fellow-editor, Sir Francis Burnand, has quit. It’s good to think he has only quit. Most people, after forty-three years at that kind of thing, would be dead. Good idea. If nature of liars. ND NOW, alas! Pittsburg and some other cities are turning against the Carnegie free libraries. The town that accepts one of these in- stitutions, agreeing to maintain it, they declare, will find it has bitten off more than it can masticate. comichooks.