Judge — January 6, 1906 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MY BEST STAMMERING YARN. VE told dozens of stammering stories about the late William R. Travers, but this is the best one, The laughter is caused a paradox and a stammer coming to- One day, when Mr. Travers had an extra case of stammering on, I said, «+ Mr. Travers, do you always stammer ?"* + N-no—I—d-don't—always st-st-stammer; I—I only st-st-stam- mer when I—t-t-talk ONE ON EX-GOVERNOR HILL. My best legal story is about ex-Governor Hill. Mr. Hill prac- in the ‘seventies in Elmira, New York, and defended a man It was a tobacco case- ticed law named Gibson for defrauding the revenue. and a very serious case, It went to two courts, supreme and superior, but Gibson was finally convicted and sentenced to six years in Sing Sing. Then Hill sent his professional bill for two thousand dollars. Gibson's family kicked about the price—they thought it too high. Hill was sentimental about it—wanted to do the square thing—and meeting William Evarts, our great constitutional lawyer, asked him about the customary fees in internal-revenue cases. + Oh," said Evarts, **the fees are just the same as in any other kinds of law—according to the work done.” “Now, Mr. Evarts,” said Hill confidentially, “did I charge too much in the Gibson case + Well, how much did you charge Gibson ? glasses curiously. wo thousand dollars,” said Hill, ** Was that too much 2" + Well," said Evarts in his deliberative manner, ‘*the thought occurs to me—simply occurs that perhaps—perhaps Gibson might asked Evarts, look- ing over h have been convicted for less—money !” THE PREACHER AND THE AGNOSTIC. A good clerical story happened on the New York Central dining- A crusty, snappy agnostic sat down in the dining-car in front The agnostic scowled and, look- car. of a dear old Methodist clergyman. ing up at the modest clergyman, snapped out, “You're a clergyman, ain't you 2” “Yes; [am in our Master's service. “Well, you look like it. Preach out of the Bible, don't you?” “Of course, brother,” said the clergyman meekly. “All our light comes from the Holy Scriptures.”” “+ Find a good many knotty questions in the old book, dlon’t you ?” Yes; we can't always see through God's infinite wisdom.” “Well, how do you explain ‘em 2” «When they are too hard for me to explain, brother, I do as we do when we are eating this delicious Hudson River shad. When I come to the bones I don't try to eat them; I simply lay them one side for some old crusty agnostic to chew on.” SAVED BY CHINK DOCTOR. A good doctor's story happened when I was traveling in China. No physician's certificate is required in China, and, as a result, China is filled with doctors, When a man fails as an insurance agent or in chop-suey he becomes a doctor. One day, in Shanghai, I felt rheumatic pains coming on, and I asked my Chinaman if they had good doctors in China. “Best doctels in wo'ld—alle same ‘Melican,”" he said, all smiles. + Eu Don, over there, John,” I said; ++is he a good doctor ?” u Don! Him glate. Him savee my life lonce.” “How, John 2" I asked. “Ttellee,” said John proudly. Doctel Sam Sing. He gimme ginsing. come Doctel Ah Sin. Him gimme more ginsing. time. I tink I die. Then my calls Doctel Eu Don. Him savee my life!" “My belly sick. My catchee My get belly sick. Bime by I grow worse alle Him didn’t come. SHERMAN'S SMART DRUMMER-BOY. The best army story occurred when General Sherman came up from Charleston to visit the army of the Potomac. Sherman's army had marched from Cumberland Gap, through Knoxville and Atlanta, tothe sea. + Old Tecumph’s” soldiers were great fighters and march- ers, while General Howard's soldiers were great on dress-parade ; so Howard thought he would astonish Sherman, and he arranged a great parade at Bailie’s Cross Roads. The finest eastern regiments, with the newest and smartest uniforms, were selected, among them the Thirty-ninth New York. They were the crack drillers of the corps. In the regiment's band was a handsome drummer-boy who was a great forager. He would always have turkeys and chickens, while the other boys were starving. where he carried them, but they found out afterward that he carried them in his drum. When they beat up the parade and the handsome Thirty-ninth came dancing along, General Howard looked up at one of his colonels and exclaimed, “Colonel, that Thirty-ninth drummer-boy ain't drumming! Tell your adjutant to ride over there and tell him to drum, General Sher- man is here—we want to make a good show. Ask the fellow why in thunder he doesn’t drum 2 The adjutant cantered up to the drummer and cried out, You drummer-boy, there! why don't you drum? You're just making your sticks go. Why the devil don't you drum?” + You tell the colonel,” said the boy in a low voice, with his hand over his mouth, «that I've got two turkeys in my drum, and one is for him and General Sherman,” “Sick, is he?" shouted the colonel. fore? Send him to the hospital.”” “Why didn’t he say so be- SERVED HIM RIGHT. Newcomer—"' I'm the man who Invented automatic piano-players."” Crash! Bif!! BING!!! comicbooks.com