Judge — December 16, 1905 — page 31: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MEDICAL METHODS. Young doctor —« It would be all right to charge him fifty dollars if my diagnosis had been correct, but it wasn’t, Old doctor—« Ah, then charge him one hundred DO IT Now. Customer —" Why don’t you tack up this *Do It Now’ motto? It’s been lying around on the counter for a month Grocer—*Wa-al, I'm a-goin’ tew tack it up sometime—if I ever git to it!” THE DIFFERENCE. Mr. Parvaynew (facetiously) —" What is the difference be- tween a kitchen and a servants’ hall 2" Mrs. Parvaynew (convinc- ingly)—* About ten thousand dollars a year." TOO CROWDED. ITTPWAS a night before Christmas, And all through the flat Not a creature was stirring— Too crowded for that. LOVE'S PLIGHT. * What brought you here?" ‘Sne—" You know.” THE FOILED ELOPEMENT. HEY had eloped in an auto. The young man had driven his machine up to the corner, and by prearranged signals his fair fiancée had stepped aboard in a wink. But let us first explain to our reader the reason love did not run smoothly. Charles was rich. Ysobel was rich, Everybody was rich, but they all wanted to be richer, hence the misalliance. Thus it was that on a certain evening Ysobel's father abstracted a certain telegram, addressed to Miss Ysobel Beefpack, containing a proposal to fly. He sealed it up, and in his business-like way chuckled and said nothing. Mrs. Beefpack later encountered it, sealed it up, and in her business-like way chuckled and said nothing. Ah, woe is me ! what had fate in store for the trusting young couple ? The appointed evening came, for there would clearly have been something the matter with the universe if it hadn't, Promptly at eight o'clock a red devil dashed up to the Beefpack mansion, and the muffled figure, in an automobile cloak, got in, as we began to say at the beginning of our story. Her head was wrapped in a veil and goggles hid her violet eyes. Her companion embraced her tenderly and, setting his cap and goggles more firmly, turned on full speed. Block after block whizzed by, but neither party of the romance moved, until a burly cop arrested them for going exactly eighteen miles an hour. In the station-house the ser- geant asked their names, and the proud tones of the lover filled the dingy room. Tearing off his goggles, cap and coat—horrors ! what was the name he gave ? Beefpack,” and Ysobel’s father was revealed. Ah, me! what a shriek came from the figure at his side—disappointment, rage, terror, all mingled in one. Then, casting her veil and goggles to the ground, Silas Beefpack stood in the presence of his wife, "Mandy. Cupid had triumphed, for by the time they got back homethe youthful pair had long since vanished, A WISE ONE. THERE was a man in our town, And he was wondrous wise ; He opened up a small hotel But didn’t advertise, Because he knew that if he did He'd make the business hum, And never could accommed ite UMBRELLAS RECOVERED. ‘THE UMBRELLA “LERK The people who would come. ‘ umberels recovered while ye wa! THE EDITOR'S PROBLEM. seD)EAR Mr. Editor,” wrote the maiden, +T've been bothered so of late About a handsome young-man friend Who isn't strictly up-to-date. Now, I do not mean to say that Everything has gone amiss, But—ob, how I blush to write it! — He does not know how to kiss ! In your correspondence column You decipher things, I see ; So in next Sunday morning's paper Please explain this thing to me ; Tell me what you know of kissing, Anda girl's mouth, how you'd kiss it. I will see that Charlie reads it— Ob, I wouldn't let him miss it!" In his office sat the editor, Between a desk and window jammed— Read the letter, let his pipe drop, As he said, + Well, I'll be d~—d He had answered every question That had ever come his way— Baseball, science, mathematics, And the problems of the day. But osculation ! Never had he Given thought to such as this— Never dreamed that he would ever Have to analyze a kiss. For a time the air was bluish, As from time to time he smote Himself and cursed the question, Then he sat him down and wrote: “My dear miss—I have your letter Of a very recent date, Asking me to tell you quickly How 'tis best to osculate. I should judge from what you've written Charlie's willing—even glad— To press his own lips to your sweet ones, But his execution 's bad. , the thing is vexing As in hand we take our pen, But just tell us where to meet you, When you chance to write again, And we'll be there ere the sun sets— This we solemnly avow— ‘Then if Charlie wants to watch us— Well, dear miss, we'll show him how !"" MARRY VAN DEMARK, Mr Crossinos—"'! wanter git ye t' find my umberel"—I jes’ lost it!” Well. my dear sir, | am very sorry, but we don't find lost umbrellas."* Mr Crossinas—* Wa-al, gol ding it! why in tarnation hev ye got thet pesky sign out tharsayin’ comicbooks.com