Judge — July 1, 1905 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘THINGS NOT WHAT THEY SEEM. GUINEA-PIG 's a rodent And a titmouse is a bird ; Kid gloves are not made of kid— At least that’s what I've heard. The iron mask was velvet, And a cuttle-bone is chalk ; Scuttle means to bolt or bar, Despite contrary talk. German silver ’s made in China And Dutch clocks are German work; While turkeys are not natives Where dwells the swarthy Turk. Pen really means a feather, Baffin's bay is not a bay ; Foxglove is not of the fox, No matter what they say. Brazilian grass is palm-leaf— And you never should forget ‘That old Sol never rises, And-neither does he set. JAMES M. LAMBERT, JR. IN CLOVER. Percy — Reggy seems in clover now. Where did he get the money Harry—"In clover? Well, Iguess! He married a rich grass- widow, you know." SURE: OF A CROWN, ANY WAY. The princess (tenderly)—« For your sake, Theobald, I am sacri- ficing a crown.” The court dentist— Never mind, my beloved. If worst comes to worst, it is part of my profession to make you another.” FORTIFIED AGAINST CRITICISM. Teacher—“1 am going to send for your mother, Johnny, and show her what a shocking composition you brought in to-day.” Johnny— Go ahead an’ send fer her—I don’t care. Me mudder wrote it, any way.” POLITE BUT BAD JUDGMENT. Mr. Lirtteman—"' Have my seat, madam?” Laoy sHorrer—" How dare you, sir HER PENSIVE PAST. E.RE.we were wed her pensive moods T oftentimes remarked— The far look in her eyes, as though she trod the land of dreams ; But after we on matrimony’s voyage had embarked A change most sudden came o'er one or both of us, it seems, She says ‘twas I, I say ‘twas she, in whom time wrought the change That makes her seem so very dear it oft provokes a row ; Yet, since her pensive moods have passed, perhaps it isn’t strange That I should find so many moods of hers ¢x-pensive now ROY PARRELL GREENE, Dyer—** Did his widow succeed in breaking his will?" Duell— Yes ; long before he died.” JUDGE’S SUMMER DASH THING for years has pleased us so much as the welcome accorded the announcement made some weeks ago that JUDGE had consented to discover the north pole. Everywhere confi- dence seems restored, and a cold wave of re- lief has swept from one end of the country to the other, The north pole has been so defi- antly undiscoverable that civilization felt piqued at its cold aloofness. Its unsocial atti- tude has got on the nerves of the people. This is a day when the ends of the earth are get- ting together—equator and pole hobnob, as it were—and no spot on the map of the universe can afford to stand out in frigid unconcern, like an icicle on a drunkard's nose. From the comments of the press, it is evident the public now feels a great weight removed from its mind. The unveiling of this polar sine qua non is now assured. Says Professor Garrett P. Serviss, ** The chances for the discovery of the north pole are more favorable than they have ever been before.” Here is what the papers have to say about it: “The pole may as well come out where the sun always shines."—Naw York Sun. “This is good news. New York World. “As usual, when anything finely yellow is to be done, it’s an American that does it."—New York American. Verily, the world grows brighter every day."— The call for a man to conduct the expedition and find the pole has met with a response unlooked for. We made it plain that the FOR THE NORTH POLE. famous failures in pole-seeking would not be considered at all, What we want is a man with no record of fruitless dashes behind him, but who is handy on his feet, as we believe he must walk there if he ever gets there at all, Every mail is bringing us applications by the bushel. Wi no idea that the craze to go to the pole had made such inroads on society in all its ranks. We publish some of the letters herewith : ad “«T would be glad to undertake this great task, especially as this is a rather dull time with me, and T would enjoy going away for quite a spell. Give me a chance."—I. . Bryan. ““T stand ready to meet the conditions you have named, and would appre- ciate the opportunity to get a whiff of untainted air. Will I do?"—/. D. Kocke- feller. “By cable, prepaid, I am applying for your polar job. I want to get away. where will do. Money no object. Answer."—Crar Nicholas. Will cheerfully take place as per yours of recent date. ave no objec- to putting up the money, as I frequently put up sizable sums for a bit of Wire if offer is accepted." —J. H. Hyde. “(Am anxious to get out of the hurly-burly, and would consider it a favor to goto the pole, Will pay the freight."—/. WW. Alexander. + Would enjoy a long walk, so as to get in trim fora run a little later. You Secretary Taft. “It’s getting pretty hot here. Weaver. “It has been the ambition of my life to stand beside the north pole—just to see if it is much of a thing for height. But just now I seem to be heading toward a point four bundred miles east-southeast of Indianapolis. Like the pole, it is quite a high place, and many notable dashes for it have ended in cold shivers up and down the spine."—C. W. Fairbanks. kno What inducements do you offer?" —AMayor We appreciate these generous offers, but we feel that the right man has not yet shown up. Regretfully, therefore, we decline the above offers, and turn hopefully to the fresh sack of mail just now be- ing dumped on the floor of our think-boudoir. comicbooks.com