Judge — March 25, 1905 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AT Tux Panwa bor Wes copy. one year. of copy, sin One copy, tor FORRIGN SURSCRIMTHC Eunurnan sates-acnnrs—International News Combany, Bream's building, Cancery Lane, F.C The contents of JUDGE are erotected bv copynaM in both the United States and Great Britain. Founru AvENce axp NiNermustu srexer. New Yous w Avvantising Orrice unre London PUBLISHED WEEKLY 1313 Hariford Buriding, Cncage, Ul TERMS TO SUL HERS TES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE 2 autnvers too Including tue Cmrvtieas Jute —To all mt postal umon, $6.90 2 year Krrntane s. ave deb Otera, Paris: Saarback's News Exchange, stain infringement of thes jrgdt will be Dromotly and vigorousiv prosecuted. CONTRIBUTORS must inciose 4 stamoed and self-addressed eniveiove swith all manuscriots, otherwise return of the Latter when found unavailable cannot be guarantees. DRAWINGS and all contribations sent to the Art Department should have the sent descrictive letter-cress should in cbery instance be written upon its indrotsual picture, and NOT upon a seDarate sito of Daver. fail name and adsress Written olainiv on each and every separate shetch. The accompanying ‘ore or inciosure of Stamos to the full amount of postage (s also reauired, to ineuve «ale and promot return of material not acceoted. IT IS NOW that the up-tordate optin orably upon his intlus which to him is but a fairy prescience of the home-runs that will shortly shake the bleachers, and in so doing aid the digestion of the frankfurter sandwich within the rosy rotundity of the half-crazed fan. CERTAIN manufacturer has offered a cash prive to the person who shall suggest the best name for a cigar which is ripe and ready for the market. The Democratic managers would do well, even at this early da to make a similar offer, in the hope that by so doing they may learn the names of the men who would make the stiffest fight in 1908. L.THOUGH, with wildest joy, the frogs Make spring-time music in the bogs, And birds are skipping on the logs, And every bard the market clogs With vernal verse of yellows dogs And circus-posters as he joxs Among, the warbling pollywe Oh, do not shed your undertogs. HE TOBACCO HOG is still abroad in the land, seeking whom he may put out of business and whom he may destroy with his cigarette, which, it is perhaps a waste of words and space to say, is a death-dealer. There are probably more people killed by cigarettes than by bullets and ly, for the cigarette isin a sense the mis crobe of crime and p. Itis a brain-stealer and a lung-twister alike to the fragile phantom of the ribbon-counter and to the burly football-player. The to- trademark is a skull and cross-bones; and it is not going too far, nor is it too hard on this porker pirate, to say that he lives up to and is quite worthy of it. He snorts and grunts with joy until he shakes and trembles as the ripples of Lard glide along, his anatomy, which is ever sug gestive of the sty in which he wal- lows. And all this felicity is at- tributable to the fact that he ma amuse himself by skipping from skull to skull as he walks the commercial thoroughfare which is strewn with the carcasses of the small dealers. And as he pops from skull to skull on his merry way he experiences those thrills of pleasure which are said to fill the bosom of the teeter snipe as it hops along the lilys pads, the very embodiment of grace and innocent hilarity. The tobacco hog’s motto is death to the small dealer and death to the consumer, and he sounds his stri- enra raw oysters annu bacco ho dent staccato of triumph when he realizes that he may indulge his weakness for com murder without becoming, able to the Luw, There is ruin in his wake, which is littered with Hie Somuson =o Did ye” heal hat He leaves cof sletiin eatin’ contest? Vl bet h What he leaves of his victims, Buacksow * Doan" ka for he is also a jackal, whose somewhere else AN EXPANSIVE Vi swelled head ober da w “bout de head, but I'll bet he wuz swelled appetite may not be easily appeased. Perhaps there is also ruin ahead of him In other words, fate may make him the victim of a cigarette that will smoke him quite as effectually as is his corn-fed brother before he is offered as a sound, smoked proposition in the open market. Even hogs have their time to go into pickle, even as leaves and mining stocks have their time to fall, Let us trust that the tobacco hog may be salted down while he is still in his prime, a victorious porker, befouling the strugiling small dealer with his baleful breath, and belching the trichi- nosis of his fury on any competitor that happens to cross his path. DJ OSLER recently opened his mouth and found himself famous. An unconscious humorist, his name instantly became a household word; for it is not exaggerating the fact to say that by the utterance of a few phrases he became more widely known in a few hours than in the many years of unflagging effort devoted to the cause of education. It is now be+ lieved by many people that the object of his mission abroad is not to become a fellow at Oxford, but to accept a lucrative position on the staff of Punch, a paper that should be much funnier to be quite worthy of the genial doc- tor. He would certainly be an acquisition to the said paper, not only ast compounder of jokes, but as one who could decide the age at which his own ruin, joke should be condemned as worthless and eligible for a chloroform exit. Not infrequently is comic theory proven to be sound in practice, and the widely-respected educator, in setting forth the age limit at which a man should be sidetracked as worthless in any line of activity, offers a su: xestion which might be profita- bly acted upon by such humane doctors as Roosevelt and Cortel- y national fossils that suggest. to the most casual observer the at- mosphere and color of the alms- They would be better off if put out of the way, for they are not worth a canceled postages stamp to themselves or to society. These moss-backed fossils, who are occupying easy-chairs against time and hobbling and wabbling on crutches and canes, are quite beyond the power to cure of the Gilead cocktail purveyed and di pensed by old Dr. Hill of Wo fert’s Roost. They have imbibed Bryan's Nebraska bitters like so many free-silver fishes, and they have received about as/ much benefit from the same as from Parker's elixir and H. Gassaway Davis’s perpetual youth fizz. These senators of senility are known as free trade, states nd by various aliases altogether too numerous to mention, i There are many useless house. rights, popocracy, socialism, They are the incurable ward, for their The doctors uld lose no time in preparin cases are hopeless. shi the chloroform for these speci- mens of human bric-a-brac. Dr. Osler has touched the button, and it remains for Drs. Roose velt_ and Cortelyou to cone the chloroformed sponge, that these scions of senility may fracture the chrysalis and skip serenely with the political reaper. win de watahmilli comicbooks.com