Judge — December 10, 1904 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

oo i piel THRUE FER YEZ. “Oh, Maggie! ain't he th’ foine broth av a b'y “He is thot. But too ma-any cooks will shpile th’ NOAH WEBSTER’S RETURN. NE TAKES A JAUNT AnOUT TO ASTOD NHATTAN AND SEES MUCH SH HIM, day the great Noah Webster, after being materialized ata seance, suddenly escaped from the influence of the mediums and started out for a stroll through modern Gotham, ‘There was much to startle and perplex the learned man of other days. After marveling at wagons without horses and horses without tails, Noah boardetl a sur- face-car and cautiously seated himself near the door. Suddenly the conductor leaned forward and bellowed out, * Choigty-toid !” Webster looked up in astonishment.“ What did you queried the great lexicographer mildly. « Choigty-toid !" roared the conductor. “To de daffy-room wid sire” yer «Lbeg pardon,” said Webster, touching the man in the next “but can you tell me what that young man said 2” “Sure!” replied the other. « He called out Thirty-third street. Then he intimated that you were bug-house.” “ Bug-house 2” “Yes, Gone in the upper story, wheel off your trolley, nut- ty. See?” No,” replied Webster, help- lessly; “Ido not see. But could you tell me where there are any artists? I used to know quite a few years ago.” ure! What kind of an artist are you after? ‘There are song-and-dance artists, tonsorial artists, lunch-wagon artists, win- dow-cleaning artists, and boot- black artists. ‘Then there are"—— But Webster held up his hand, * Don’t go any further, my dear sir, It is enough to bring tears to my eyes to see the way my life's work has been abused.” And then the great man. left the car, Feeling somewhat fatigued from sight-seeing, he entered a lunch-room for refreshments. It was the rush-hour, and orders were flying thick and fast. “Beans and"— roared a waiter who looked like a pugilist. Be: Cosea « Beans and what?" ventured variety is de spice uv life, yer know." Webster when the burly waiter passed. “Beans and”— blurted the man in the apron. “That's all— beans and "— While Webster was strug- gling with the menu another wait- er made a megaphone of his hand and shouted, “*Chalk and chok- ers’! ‘Dogs’ for three! One ‘Dutch lighthouse"! «Spill two rather hasty"! Webster almost toppled out of his chair.“ Would you please translate those words?” he im- plored of the waiter. “Why, cert,,” responded the latter.“ Must be from the coun- try,ain't yer? Thought so. Well, listen: *Chalk and chokers* is milk and crackers; ‘dogs’ is frankfurters; a ‘Dutch light- house’ is a limburger sandwich ; ‘spill two" means two glasses of water. It's as simple as policy broth." Hey, Jimmy ! call the omnibus. “Are you going to take a entured Webster, his bewilderment increasing. The waiter looked around in astonishment. “ Me take a ride? [ not. It's mugs and saucers for mine till the night-shift gets on.” But you said something about an omnibus.” ‘s the boy.” ride gu the kid that shifts the dishes back in the kitchen after we take them up. He's the omnibus.” Webster took a cup of coffee and left. “I fancy the town is too far ahead of my dictionary for me,” he soliloquized. “I'll xo back from whence I came.” And meeting the mediums, he was soon returned to the spirit-world, where he lived happily ever afterward. The moon—* Al articles on the earth are very expensive.” Mars—* But the air-ships don’t come very high.” HIS EXPLANATION. Mr. Goonxin>—"' You say you are a socialist lecturer, but you don’t believe in socialism?” No'm. Under de existin’ sogial system I gits a different grade uv grub at every house—an’ Comicbooks.com