Judge — August 6, 1904 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ratae yh 1 Hiram, he hez bin through collidge: th’ expense hez bin in vain. “Tain’t done him enny good, ez I kin see. He is wot they call accomplished, but th’ fact is very plain Thet he won't accomplish much farm work fer me. AN OLD SALT’S OBSERVATIONS. [F THE white-house were on a certain hill that we could name there are some people we could mention who might not be so anxious to contest the claims of its present occupant. Wouldn't I be a fool if I waited to scrape my topmasts till a storm come along fit to blow me off th’ ship? Let's stop now, brethren, an’ think about lookin’ after th’ work of th’ campaign. Th’ man that says that there ain’t nothin’ new under th’ sun ain't never read th’ reasons that th’ Parker press are givin’ for votin’ for a change of policy when th’ one we've got means luck for every one an’ no blanks in th’ wheel, Jest because one man said that truth was naked, it does not seem to us that the Democratic press need to be puttin’ so many clothes upon th’ goddess about this time that we are unable to recognize her when we meet her on th’ street. 3. You'll find that most of th’ ca- lamity-howlers in our politics is like th’ dog If you carefully observe, you'll see that it's th’ horse that pulls th’ wagon. It’s th’ dog that runs beneath it, yappin’ about th’ way th’ poor horse does his work. A passenger sailed with me one time who wouldn't git up in th’ He kin keep a-turnin’ handsprings till yew wonder whar yew are— I never seed th’ like sence | wuz born. He kin skin th’ cat quite neatly on th’ horryzontal bar, But he don’t know how tew skin an ear uv corn, He puts up a game uv tennis which he sez is “quite sublime,” An’ kin beat th’ best at hand-ball enny day: Or he'll toss a curvin’ baseball eighteen innin's enny time, But he'll never make a hand at tossin’ hay. 2 He kin sing a song ez sweetly ez a mockin’-bird in June, An’ kin lead th’ gran’ kertillion at th’ ball; An’ he'll dance a perfeck hoe-down tew a mando-fiddle tune, But he'll never hoe down enny weeds at all. mornin’ when th’ steward called him. “It ain't mornin’ yet—why should I git up?” says he.“ Why, yes; it's mornin’, sir,” th’ steward says. “ain't heard no rooster crow, an’ it ain't mornin’ till th’ rooster crows,” th’ passenger protests. “But we ain't got no rooster on this ship,” th’ sailor says in explanation. “Mebbe if we had one here he'd crow; but it’s mornin’ jest th’ same.” “Tdon’t never git up at home till th’ rooster crows,” th’ man says, an’ I ain't goin’ to be taught new tricks at sea.” An’ there he laid all day an’ missed his meals, an excitin’ drown- in’ accident, a sight of three sperm- whales a-fightin’ with a sword-fish, an‘a day of hang-up weather. They's Democrats that allus makes me think of him. EDWARD MARSHALL HE WAS FIRED. $6 QO. Me. Pushpencil ; Lam sorry to say you will not make a success as a reporter.” “Why, wasn’t my description of the shooting in this morning’s paper a bit of good writing 2" “Oh, it was not bad in its way; but you neglected the most essential thing in all such reports—you did not mention the calibre of the revolver with which the shooting was done ; so you see you are not of the right calibre for a successful re- porter.” ‘Thar's a feller named Jim Nasticks thet he talks uv by th’ yard, ‘An’ it makes me jest ez tired ez kin be. Wien he's speakin’ uv laycrosse I'm a-wishin’ very hard He wuz small enuff tew lay ercross my knee, AN AGRICULTURAL FAILURE. comicbooks.com