Judge — August 6, 1904 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

in Hiram, he hez bin through collidge: th’ expense hez bin in vain. “Tain’t done him enny good, ez | kin see. He Is wot they call accomplished, but th’ fact is very plain Thet he won't accomplish much farm work fer me. . 2. He kin sing a song ez sweetly ez a mockin’-bird in June, An‘ kin lead th’ gran’ kertillion at th’ ball; An’ he'll dance a perfeck hoe-down tew a mando-fiddle tune, But he'll never hoe down enny weeds at all. AN OLD SALT’S OBSERVATIONS. mornin’ when th’ steward called him. “It ain't mornin’ yet—why F THE white-house were on a certain hill that we could name there should I git up?" says he.“ Why, yes; it’s mornin’, sir,” th’ steward are some people we could mention who might not be so anxious to” says. “I ain't heard no rooster crow, an’ it ain't mornin’ till th’ rooster contest the claims of its present occupant. crows,” th’ passenger protests.“ But we ain't got no rooster on this Wouldn't | be a fool if I waited to scrape my topmasts till a storm come along fit to blow me. off th’ ship? Let's stop now, brethren, an’ think about lookin’ after th’ work of th’ campaign. Th’ man that says that there ain‘t nothin’ new under th’ sun ain't never read th’ reasons that th’ Parker press are givin’ for votin’ for a change of policy when th’ one we've got means luck for every one an’ no blanks in th’ wheel. Jest because one man said that truth was naked, it does not seem to us that the Democratic press need to he puttin’ so many clothes upon th’ xoddess about this time that we are unable to recognize her when we meet her on th’ street. You'll find that most of th’ ca- lamity-howlers in our politics is like th’ dog If you carefully observe, you'll see that it’s th’ horse that pulls th’ wagon, It’s th’ dog that runs beneath it, yappin’ about th’ way th’ poor horse does his work. 4 He kin keep a-turnin’ handsprings till yew wonder whar yew are— U never seed th’ like sence I wuz born, He kin skin th’ cat quite neatly on th” horryzontal bar, But he don’t know how tew skin an ear uy corn. 3. He puts up a game uv tennis which he sez fs ‘* quite sublime,” An’ kin beat th’ best at hand-ball enny day: Or he'll toss a curvin’ baseball eighteen innin’s enny time, But he'll never make a hand at tossin’ hay. ship,” th’ sailor says in explanation. “Mebbe if we had one here he'd crow ; but it’s mornin’ jest th’ same.” “T don't never git up at home till th” rooster crows,” th’ man says, “an’ I ain't goin’ to be taught new tricks at An’ there he laid all day an’ ed his meals, an excitin’ drown- in’ accident, a sight of three sperm- whales a-fightin’ with a sword-fish, an’a day of hang-up weather, They’s Democrats that allus makes me think of him. ROWAKO MAKSH HE WAS FIRED. $40. Mr. Pushpeneil ; Lam sorry to say you will not make a success as a reporter.” “Why, wasn’t my description of the shooting in this morning's paper a bit of good writing ?” “Oh, it was not bad in its way ; but you neglected the most essential thing in all such reports—you did not mention the calibre of the revolver with which the shooting was done ; so you see you are not of the right calibre for a successful re- A passenger sailed with me one time who wouldn't git up in th’ porter.” Thar’'s a feller named Jim Nasticks thet he talks uv by th’ yard, An’ it makes me jest ez tired ez kin be. AN AGRICULTURAL FAILURE. Wren he's speakin’ uv laycrosse I'm a-wishin’ very hard He wuz small enuff tew lay ercross my knee, comicbooks.com