Judge, 1904-07-30 · page 10 of 16
Judge — July 30, 1904 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple unrelated satirical pieces typical of Judge's format: **"Nearing the End"** mocks elderly people's tendency to repeat themselves. Methuselah, the biblical figure known for extreme longevity, complains about drought while his companions exchange knowing looks, interpreting his forgetfulness as senility. **"Modern Literary Business"** satirizes publishing corruption. A promoter agrees to help publicize a business scheme *only if* he can write an exposé about it in a magazine—essentially extorting cooperation through threat of public exposure. The other businessmen foolishly accept and sign papers, not realizing they're being blackmailed. **"A Good Reason"** is a cynical joke about divorce economics: a man remarried his ex-wife because after paying alimony he had no money left, so he married her again to access her finances. **"The Gagster's Confession"** is a poem by a comedy writer lamenting that clever jokes don't pay bills, so he switched to old, tired material that audiences actually laugh at—a meta-commentary on commercial versus artistic comedy. **"The Squirrel's Subterfuge"** appears to be a nature illustration with minimal text. The page emphasizes greed, hypocrisy, and the compromises required by commercial society.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
NEARING THE END. ETHUSELAH was in his nine hundred and sixty-eighth year. It was a long, dry sum- mer that year, too, and Abelgad the Beehemite, and Obadad the Dinnymit ting over the drought. “Yes,” quavered Methuselah, fidgeting with his stout cane, “it is pretty warm; but I”. Here Abelgad and Obadad winked knowingly at each other. “ But 1,” Methuselah continued, “can’t say that I recollect any year that ever has given us such a long, dry spell, Then Obadad were fret- nd Abelgad walked softly away, saying one to another that the old man was showing his first signs of breaking down, MODERN LITERARY BUSINESS. “Twill come in on the deal with you on on one condition.” Ty gentlemen,” says the first. promote: and help you to promote the combi * And that is?" asked the others, “That Ihave the privilege of writing the magazine exposé of our dealings with the public.” After forcing him to agree that all the rest shall have time to publish their articles on * How to succeed ” before he writes his article, the papers are signed. A GOOD REASON. “Why did you marry your divorced wife again? Old love come back ?"" “No. By the time | paid her alimony | had nothing to live on, and so | married her for her money.” 4 THE SQUIRREL’S SUBTERFUGE. Mamata Souikket—" We're caught napping, children! Huddle about me, quick!" 343 ‘THE GAGSTER’S CONFESSION. [ USED to try to make a hit By hurling out a jokelet new ; But laughter made no hy Which knocked my feelings all : rer spli The finest gag T could invent nd polish like a jewel rare Ne'er made my income swell a cent, Nor smoothed the trousers seat of care. So T went back unto the old White-whiskered jokes, and now they From wisdom’s 1 door" — ‘That is the way the And And all the crowd just shout nota door’ 's th al grins When I the answer homeward send, to the mark— an arro When it’ 1 they on high use the jest tas the walls of Troy, ast and south and west. ry hearts with joy. And north and T All all we: HEN you see some folks a-com- in’ pass the “ good-mornin'" an’ keep a-steppin’. 2. Hunrer—"'I'd stop and gather that handsome fern were | not after th comicbooks.com