Judge, 1904-07-23 · page 14 of 16
Judge — July 23, 1904 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page primarily contains **advertising with embedded satire** rather than standalone cartoons. The main satirical piece is "The Endless Serial Story," mocking W.T. Stead's announcement of a London daily newspaper featuring serials based on current events. The joke is that the serialized narrative becomes absurdly convoluted: protagonist Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins constantly abandons romantic scenes with Clarice Columnsworth to chase unrelated interruptions—fire engines, bank robberies—that he happens upon. Each interruption conveniently provides new "plot developments" to extend the story endlessly. The satire targets two things: (1) the artificial contrivance of serialized fiction, and (2) the attempt to build narratives from random daily news, creating implausible coincidences where one man continuously encounters major events. The rest of the page features period advertisements (Pears' Soap, Whitman's Chocolates, pocket maps, motor boats, champagne) typical of Judge magazine's revenue model.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
To sweetly wedge your way into her affections keep her well provided with Chocolates and Confections Sold everyhere. . WHITMAN & BON, ‘6 Onestaut Bt, Phila. was the first maker of sticks of soap for shaving. Sticks in 3 sizes; shaving cakes in 3 sizes. Pears’ Soap established ove. 100 years. THE ENDLESS SERIAL STORY. (W.T. Stead announces that he will soon issue a new daily paper in London, a feature of which will be "a se- rial on the basis of an endleys story which will be based (00 events in the day's news.” CONTINUED IN OUR NEXT, OR, TRUE LOVE HAS NO TERMINAL FACILIT By Annie Oted Boddy. CHAPTER CI. HEN you no longer love me, Cla- rice?” moaned Fitzgerald F biggins, our hero, as he cast a pleading glance toward the beauteous girl. « Listen, Fitzgerald of his affection, * You have no right to insinuate that I do not longer love you. Alas! it is I who must doubt you. Pray, who was that golden-haired female the newspapers describe you as pulling from the Thames yesterday ?” “Clarice,” answered Fitzgerald Fitz- biggins, “she wasa stranger to me. She fell off the bridge at four o'clock, but the bridge watchman heard her cries for aid, | and ran to her assistance. Luckily a passer-by who could swim had also heard her calls for help, and, tearing off his coat as he ran, with a bound he was over the railing of the bridge, and had leaped "—— “Spare yourself,” interrupted Clarice. | “ec hed the object “Lead that part of it in the papers this morning. But who was she 2?” “Ttell you” Clang! Clan rushing by. “1 must leave you, my own!” cried our hero, rushing’to the door and speed- ing after the fire department, The blaze was ina warehouse near Piccadilly circus. It was extinguished with but little dam- age, and the loss was fully covered by insurance. The fire-engines were CHAPTER CL. “ Again, my own, we meet !" exclaimed Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins, clasping the yield-| ing form of Clarice Columawidth to his) heaving bosom. “Yes,” she faltered. “+ Oh, Fitzy, these cruel, cruel separations! And worse even than the separations is the knowledge that you are constantly being seen with other women. Who was that handsome actress whose divorce trial you attended yester- day “If it comes to that,” he responded, re- ledsing her from his embrace and draw- ing up to his full height, “who was the wealthy American who called a hansom for you when you sprained your ankle last evening ?” “Ah!” she stammered. know. How could 1? merely an accident, and. 2” he frowned, striding to the win- dow and looking gloomily out upon the street, Of a sudden he drew in his breath with a start of surprise “Twill see you later “I do not I—I—he—it was and "—— he called, run- | ning from the house. The detectives had captured Andy Grippett, the famous bank robber. The man struggled violently, and drew a weapon, but it was torn from his grasp by Mr. Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins, who had | | been attracted to the scene by the com- motion. Grippett will doubtless receive a long sentence. CHAPTER XVMI. “There seems to be but little happen- ing to-lay,” quavered aged Ciarice Col umnwidth, as she rocked back and forth in her comfortable chair. Age had dealt kindly with her. True, she had grown stout, and her double chin could not be concealed even by the high ruffles of lace which formed a feature of all her attire ; but withal there lingered traces of the Pocket Maps Road Guide These maps are beautifully printed in colors and show on a large scale the streams, lakes, highways, trolley lines and railroads in New York, New beauty which had first attracted the eye! of Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins. Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins, our hero, white- haired and wrinkled, stood by the table, Dressed with scrupulous taste, he looked the part of the kindly old gentleman who played games and told stories for the chil- dren who took their airings in the parks, and who graced public meetings with his dignified presence. “Clarice,” he murmured, “don't you think that on a day like this, when there seems to be no news event of importance, we might get married ?" “Ah, Fit,” answered the old lady, peering at him roguishly through her spectacles, "I cannot tell you how many, many times I have hoped and prayed for a day when nothing would be going on.” “ Then come,” he said, assisting her to rise. “Let us go at once to a minister's and be "—— «Extra! Extra!" ‘The hoarse shoutings of the newsboys crashed through the silence. The two old people looked at each other in dumb desp: xtra! Allerbout the terrible um- um-mum-m-m-m !” Fiugerald Fitzbiggins reached for his hat instinctively. He did not see the appealing gaze of Clarice Columnwidth, No. Duty called him, He must be mentioned in the next extra as having opportunely appeared on the scene of the terrible um-um-| mum-m-m, As he fled from the room Clarice bowed her head in her hands and wept. CHAPTER XXXxMv. “And here is the missing will!" shouted Fitzgerald Fitzbiggins, holding aloft the yellowed parchment. The finding of the last will and testament of Clarice Columnwidth, the aged spinster who died some years ago, makes it pos- sible to dispose of her estate, which has been in the control of the courts since her death, and has increased to great propor- tions, By its terms, which are curious, indeed, but in keeping with the character of the kindly old lady who was always an object of interest because of her many odd notions, the bulk of her estate is to go to the first young couple who promise never, under any circumstances, to subscribe for or accept as a gift, or read, any daily paper. Continued to-morror. “ The chief of the secret service says that there is one hundred thousand dollars in good bills for every dollar that is bad. «Yes ; but we are much more likely to get the bad dollar than the we are to get one hundred thousand good ones.” Cleveland Plain Dealer. “Some folks,” said Uncle Ebe so partic'lar ‘bout givin’ de dev due dat dey fohgits dar is a heaj hones’ an’ well-meanin’ people a little encouragement." — Washington ee ORIGINAL BOTTLED COCKTAILS. Blended from the choicest liquors and brought to perfection by aging. No made-by-guess-work cocktail 1s ever so soft and mellow. Refuse all Substitutes. Insist upon having the Club’? brand, The name guar- antees the flavor and quality. SEVEN VARIETIES. G. F. HEUBLEIN & BRO., HARTFORD, NEW YORK, LONDON. “Some of the necessities of life are ex- orbitantly high these days.” “Yes, Lwish they'd raise the prices still higher. Yes; [wish they'd get high enough to scare ‘me, so I'd quit needing them.” —Philadelphia A SILENT PILOT. Nothing helps so much in the enjoy- ment of your vacation as a good map. It shows you the streams and’ lakes you can fish, the mountains you can climb, the places of interest you can visit and the roads you can wheel or t : Lackawanna Railroad has just issued a set of colored maps on a large scale, showing the territory reached by its lines in New York, New Jersey and Pennsyl- vania, ‘These maps give every highws post-office, trolley line veniently carried in the pocket ' are invaluable to automobile tourists and travelers, and should be owned by every one who wishes to be informed on the geography of these three states. The entire set in a neat cover may be had by sending ten cents in stamps to T. W. Lee, general passenger agent, Lacka- wanna Railroad, New York cit The edition is limited, Write to-day FOR _g MEN OF BRAINS IGARS “MADE AT KEY WEST— BROTHERHOOD CHAMPAGKE The Wine Says The Rest ANTAL theme fall, You will get more prompt | by mentioning JODGE when answering advertisements, and Pennsylvania, reached by the a ine ckawanna Railroad and its connections. Invaluable to Automobile Tourists, Fishermen and Travelers. A good map is a silent courier of out-door enjoyment. Each of the maps in this edition is 17x 28 inches, They are neatly bound in ‘one cover and may be had by sending 10 cents in stamps to T.W. LEE, eckawtnne Raittonds Now York City. Auto Launches, Steam and Sail Yachts, Row Boats, Canoes. fey Seto“ rugasuneausines aes a rn RACINE BOAT MFG. CO., (Box J), MUSKEGON, MICH. comicbooks.com