Judge — June 11, 1904 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN OLD SALT'S OB- SERVATIONS. THE. most unreasonable man I ever met was a golf-player who said: he couldn't abide sailors be- cause their marine slang was so hard to understand. Bowlin’ 's a nice game, but if we can't make a strike we're li'ble to think there ain't enough pins th’ other end th’alley. Jest th’ same with ev'rything. Rubber-soled shoes ‘Il keep you from slippin’ on th’ deck in dry weather; but you wait till a sea comes along an’ wets ‘em down, Then them shoes ‘Il make you think of skates. Same with resolutions, It’s plum’ funny how all humanity ‘Il turn in to help a feller that has had his un- important body hurt. Yet they won't do much of any- thing if he’s injured in his soul. Take the trolley-car victim and the unhappy mar- ried man as two examples. I know a sea-captain that was adrift in a vessel for forty days an’ forty nights, without nothin’ in th’ world to eat but canned sardines. After he got ashore all you had to do was to offer him a canned sardine, an’ either you or him would go right down, right then, right there, right badly hurt. divorced an’ married ag’in. “What fs the inscription on Hamfatter’s tombstone?” “* Here lies an actor. ON THE RIALTO. “What lies they do put on tombstones!" But that same man got lookin’-glass to him. there was jest six women. They all had calico dresses, but they wasn’t wearin’ ‘em. They was togged out in jest th’ best they had. Since then nobody can't tell me that it’s th’ men th’ women dress for. « Land sakes !" said the perfectly frank and truthful young wife of the very rich man who prided himself on understandin’ women, why shouldn't 1 put flowers on that woman's grave? She won my husband for me. “What was she—a match- makin’ society woman?" asked her new acquaint- ance. * No,” said the young wife of the very rich man; “she was a maker of hip- pads an’ corsets.” An’ then she laid th’ flowers upon th’ grave with lovin’ touch an’ reverent fingers. Feller come aboard one day an’ said that he wanted to make a hand-painted pic- ture of my ship. “All right,” says 1; “go ahead,” says I. He did, He brought it to me later. Didn't look no more like th’ Lyddy than it did like a canal-boat in dis- tress. But he had th’ law on me an’ made me pay for it, Then I was up an’ do- in’, Happened right there in th’ cabin, When [ got through I washed th’ blood off him an’ brought him to his senses. Then I handed th’ “Look in there, you darned, miserable, sneak- Irescued folks from two desert islands on one v'yage. On one in’ galoot!" I says, “an’ see a hand-painted picture of your face. island was one woman an’ sixteen men. saved from th’ wreck, but was wearin’ calico. She had lots of good clo'es “Well, borrowing money is truly borrowing trouble." “Huh. AT THE PESSIMISTS' CLUB. What's the trouble ?”” “Paying it back.”” I done th’ paintin’, On th’ other island though. But I didn’t make him pay me nothin’ for it, EDWARD MARSHALL, comicbooks.com