Judge, 1904-06-04 · page 7 of 16
Judge — June 4, 1904 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several separate satirical pieces typical of late-19th/early-20th century American humor: **"Millie's Boat"** is sentimental children's verse about a toy boat—straightforward, not political. **"Told It at Last"** satirizes the stereotype that women cannot keep secrets, with a witty retort about a woman keeping her age secret for decades. **"Marital Mathematics"** jokes that marriage arithmetic changes after divorce—"one and one" becomes "two again" when judges decree separation. **"Monotonous"** appears to reference the Russo-Japanese War, with a mikado (Japanese emperor) bored by military victories, finding novelty only in absurdist humor about a Russian boat compressed into a beer bottle. **Other sketches** include domestic humor ("His Object," "An Affront") and literary jokes mocking Sherlock Holmes author Arthur Conan Doyle. The Boston dialect piece at bottom uses exaggerated speech ("deviled crabs") for ethnic humor typical of the era. Overall: light social satire with no deep political content—mostly domestic, marital, and literary comedy.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MILLIE’S BOAT. WINKLING in the breezes, ‘Twinkling on the brine, « Robs that frail and dainty Little boat of mine. O'er the waves she scampers, Rocking all the while, And she'll soon be weary Sailing mile on mile. But she will be happy When the night is here, For then with my playthings, Bright and ever dear, I will lay her gently, And to dreams she'll dart With the pasteboard camel And the yellow cart. Pa TOLD IT AT LAST. WOMAN can't keep a secret,” declares the mere man, “Ob, I don’t know,” retorts the fluttery lady. “I've © kept my age a secret since I was twenty-four.” “Yes; but one of these days you will give it away. In time you will simply have to tell it.” “Well, I think that when a woman has kept a secret for twenty years she comes pretty near knowing how to keep it.” MARITAL MATHEMATICS. NE and one makes two Until one is won ; Is the worst half, then Judges soon decree ‘They are two again, MONOTONOUS, epee man,” said the mikado, “ who re- marked that there is nothing new under the sun was a wise man. I am al- most bored to death,” “But,” said the court chamberlain, “ we won another battle last night, and this morning the Russians are in full retreat be- fore our troops. I also have just had news that the last row-boat of the Russian navy had been put into a beer-bottle and tightly corked.” HIS OBJECT. « That, said the mikado sourly, «is Traun—" Could yer spare me a few doses uv patent medicine, mum?" just what 1 mean. What / am yearning Traur—* Oh, any kind will do. | only want ter git sick enough ter attract sympathy, mum.” for is novelty.” AN AFFRONT. «6]N RETURN for your courtesy in ask- ing me to lunch with you,” said the magnate, dipping his fingers into the fin- ger-bowl, “1 am going to give you a tip.” Honest Herbert, the struggling young man who was seeking to gain the favor of the great magnate, drew himself up indig- nantly. “Give the tip to the waiter, sir,” he replied. TRANSPOSED. N CLARIBEL'S soft, pensive face ‘The lily’s paleness finds a place. ‘The rose that once did it adorn Now decorates her husband's horn. SHERLOCK HOLMES was boasting of his ability. “But,” asked the boarders, “can you find the strawberry in a shortcake ?” Confessing his failure, the great detect- ive begged them not to tell Doyle. ‘Wartress—'' Two Mephistophelized decapod crustaceans!" IN B—ST—N. ‘Srrancer—" Gimme a brace of deviled crabs."* comicbooks.com