Judge — April 30, 1904 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE BONNET SONNET. IMES L think PIL write 4 sonnet on The way my lady preens before her glass We she has to put her bonnet « Her bonnet, which is such a fihny mass ‘¢ and flowers and such foolistness That I would fain be gibing of the Were't not she'd say I showed my mulishness And lack of taste for what is new and nice. Sometimes, Tsay, [think of writing it When she before the mirror holds her place Ttake my pencil up and, biting it, ‘The sonnet on the bonnet try to trac And then, before I've fairly struck my g She turns to beg, Tell me; is it POLITICS AND PIE, APTAIN IDDIO SLOON of Cranes Neck, Massachusetts, is said to be able to tell a man’s politics from the way he eats pie. The captain started life as the commander of a military company from the Bay state in the civil war, and has steadily risen from one position of influence and honor until he is now the keeper of a restaurant in the principal street of Cranes Neck. From this emi- nence he has had unusual opportunities to note the sinuosities of human nature and to catch the finest shades of mean- ing indicated by the various ways of his fellow-man with pie. It is declared that the captain has demonstrated his ability in this respect time and again; but, unfortunately, he has not yet been generous enough to give to the world the particular manner of dealing with a pie that indicates a Republican, a Democrat, a populist, a mugwump, and so on, Yet so unerring is his system that he can not only point out a Democrat by the peculiarly dex- terous nipulation of his knife over a pie, but he can tell just what kind of Democrat’ he is—silver, gold, old-line, Jacksonian, Clevelandite —and if free silver, precisely how frail or strong is his attachment to true Bryanism, It seems, too, that all sorts and conditions of pie are equally indicative to Captain lddio's Sherlock Holmes perception — blackberry, lemon meringue, milk and cocoanut custard, chicken potpie, cran- berry tart, down through the list to the historic pie which, as is well known, de- rived its name from the celebrated oc- casion when Eve, in printer's phrase, “pied” the whole future of mankind with an apple. Visitors to Cranes Neck have not yet discovered whether the dumpling family bears the same blood- relation to politics that pie does, but later returns will be forthcoming. The system might be followed to profound possibilities. It would be of vast service to mankind if Captain Sloon would enlighten it as to the real affinity of politics to pie. We should know whether politics is inherent in the man’s true nature and his manner of industry over a pie follows as an absolute se- quence, or whether a man is born with an inalienable trick, or gift, or genius of dexterity of fork or knife in manipulating a goodly quarter of rhubarb or other combination of crust and contents, and IN THE PREHISTORIC DAYS. roader, or Republican, and cannot es- cape it any more than he can add one cubit to his stature or take one away. The vast utility of the system can scarcely be measured if it should prove to be true that, no matter to what party a man ¢hinks he belongs, if his knife, fork, or spoon handicraft with a pie in- dicates otherwise, he is not at all what he believes himself to be, but an original Whig, populist, greenbacker, Bryanite, silverite, goldite, or Republican, as is inevitably pointed out by the pie. It would revolutionize our present system of voting. By simply passing a law re- quiring a voter to eat pie in the presence of the election-officers all deceit would be prevented. He would be compelled to vote as nature meant he should, and not according te the vagaries of human belief, In the interest of pure politics and genuine reform Captain Iddio Sloon should be persuaded to reveal the mys- tery of his system, so that, instead of a meaningless blanket-sheet of paper, the voter will be handed a beautifully-deco- rated sévres plate, bearing upon its shin- ing surface a quarter of pie then in sea- son, and thus show to all observers the genuine politics that runs in his blood and not in his mind. THE MODERN BOGEYMAN. [ AM the latest, uptondatest, neatest and completest new-century edition of The bogeyman You're my game; it is my aim to kill or maim you if 1 can— Yes, that’s my plan. ‘To make you shake and quake, your nerve to break, fills me with glee, When T come round. If a “geesgee” sees me then he goes up a tree, Or tries to. Ile gets upon his hinder legs, exhausts his emotions to the dregs, Does all the stunts he knows at once, and straightway hunts for other stunts Todo. | He fills the atmosphere with thrills, cold chills, and carriage-maker’s bills ; like- wise he spills and maybe kills A man or two. Lown the road, I'm A la mode, I'm the great Tam-and-you-be-blowed ! You must just be content to take my dust and the able-ludied smell of oil and gasoline T leave behind. Whiff! sniff! Diff! I scare old ladies stiff. It is my pride rough-shod to ride o'er others As I please, For I'm the patent, nickel-plated, A-t-rated, limited-liability, kil king-pin miewith-facil And main squeeze. I pray some day, when I am dead, my ep taph shall be, for all to see, “He was ahead; in sheer red-deviltry he led— He was the star. He can't complain of having lived in v What more could one expect? Un- aided and alone he wrecked A trolley-car.”* that, therefore, from his first peep he is E man who is his own worst enemy a foreordained Bryanite, middle-of-the- wi g . bY ke don't do showing your affection for me, but for goodness sake don’ Upsuldaaclave Waval Ones: Mr. Rockrront—" Say, Boa, old boy! I don't mind you TH it'so sudden. You scared the life out of me.” comicbooks.com