Judge, 1904-03-12 · page 10 of 16
Judge — March 12, 1904 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* contains several humor pieces mocking early 20th-century American society: **"The Union Onion"** (top left): A poem satirizing labor unions by depicting a union organizer who manages his affairs "on a rigid union plan" but whose onion goes on strike anyway, refusing to work despite his efforts. The joke mocks unions as inflexible and absurd—even vegetables won't cooperate. **"A Scientific Diagnosis"**: Doctors discussing a patient with expensive possessions (marble stairway, gold furniture, automobiles) but minor symptoms. The younger doctor misses the point: the real ailment is "congestion of the bank-account"—satire on wealth-related anxiety among the affluent. **"Between Actors"**: Two actors discussing their roles, with an absurd romantic exchange below demonstrating how love declarations are merely mechanical physiological processes converted into words—mocking theatrical sentimentality. **"Why He Didn't Sign"**: A drunk Irishman (named Casey) intended to sign a temperance pledge on New Year's but got too drunk to remember his own name—satire on failed Prohibition-era pledges and Irish stereotypes.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
managed all of his affairs On a rigid union plan, He tended his union onion With But the onion went on strik To the union man’s despair. He asked of the ui If it wouldn't Hut he onion said it could not, for Its grievance was tuo great. + Well, [want a union chamberma ‘To be making up my bed.” A SCIENTIFIC DIAGNOSIS. SSYVHAT is your diagnosis ?" asks the older physician of his young confrére, who is earnest but inexperienced, and who has been BETWEEN -ACTORS. Wittam—" I say, Joseph; what's the good word ? . “Sh! Don't bother me. my boy. I'm getting my part for to-night.” called in consultation. “Well,” says the younger medico, “there sickness of Mr. Gum- purse? It has lots to do with it. The man has congestion of the bank- account, and the proper move for us to make is to relieve that as much as possible.” He— My sweet one, do you love me?” She— Ah, dearest, how can you ask that?” He —"Why, it’s a very simple physiological process. The impulse doubtless originates in the cerebellum, is accel- erated in the cerebrum, and, upon being trans- mitted by the proper nerves, is converted by the vocal organs into the THE REMEDY. words, ‘Do you love Dr. Monx—'*H'm! No appetite—can't eat a thing.eh? Diet on tacks and small nails and take a magnet before each meal.” me?" doesn't seem to be much the matter. The patient has a slight fever and some litle tightness of the chest. I should say there was nothing more than a cold both- ering him.” My boy,” said the older man kindly, + you have gone about it wrong. Note these symptoms: A_ white marble stairway in the entrance hall, gold furniture in the par- lar, cut glass and sil- ver galore in the din- ing-room, two auto- mobiles in the side yard, a’ solid mahog- any “— * But what has WHY HE DIDN'T SIGN. “+ Oi thought Casey was goin’ to sign th’ pledge on th’ first av January?" that to do with the “He was: but he got so droonk he couldn't remimber his name.” comicbooks.com