Judge — 1903 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a nhattan, mouth, Whiskey, Holland Gin, Tom Gin aod York. G. F. HEUBLEIN & BRO., Sole Propnetors, Harrop Naw Yous Loxbox LOOK FOR THE NAME CARL H. SCHULTZ His mother. strange that you smell so fishy. Bobby —"1 guess that’s because the| lesson was about Jonah and the whale.” —New York Mail and Express. “If you really were at Sunday-school, as you say, it is very ‘A MELANCHOLY PLIGHT. This old world seems a cozy place Until some scientist Describes the various microbes which On wicked pranks insist. My full approval I'd express In unrestricted terms, Excepting for one little fact— I'm worried by the germs. And now I cannot be content To breathe or eat or drink ; These base bacteria have brought Me to starvation’s brink. I know that I shall pine away And sink into despair, Unless I get a house of giass With antiseptic air. —Washington Star. + If you are going hunting, you should provide yourself with’ Cook's Imperial Extra Dry Champagne. * You seem to have a great liking for large words.” “Well, suh,” answered Mr. Erastus Pinkley, “1 once knowed a’ man whose life were saved by a big word, He once told me dat I prevaricated, an’ by de time I foun’ out what dat word’ meant it were too late foh me to hit him."—Mew Yorker. Fudge— Why do you wish to be re- lieved from jury duty ? Gitizen—" | wear a gold watch, and I don't like the looks of three or four of the fellows you have already accepted."—NVew York Weekly. A LITTLE TONIC NOW AND THEN is required by some and relished by all. Dr. Siegert’s Angostura Bitters. His business sense was very dense— He could not rise above it ; For every blessed time he failed, He made a failure of it. —Philadelphia Ledger. Try The lady— But why did you ride a hundred miles in the refrigerator-car ?” Gritty George—“To prepare for de cold reception I expect to git along de road, mum."—Philadelphia Record. Employer—" Mr. Redink, you got off yesterday afternoon under the plea of HENUY LINDENMEYR & 80NS PAPER WAREHOUSE om #2. 94 nd leecher Rireet New York pe fo cance ranch being ill. I saw you afterward going to the races, and you didn’t appear at all ill.” Clerk—" You ought to have seen me after the second race, sir, I was bad enough then."—San Francisco Wasp. Well! Well!! Have you seen ‘em? DIM! ach, but worth a dollar Jim Joneses Joke Book What Si Perkins Saw Joel Jarvis’ s Jay Jokes Sis Hopkins’ Own Book Ten cents each or forty cents for the greatest bunch of side- splitting joke books you ever saw. your newsdealer or newsboy They all have ‘em! Ask on the train, or send direct to JUDGE COMPANY, 225 Fourth Avenue, New York ONLY A| ;» DIAMONDS ON CREDIT TH our Beautiful Christmas Catalogue before you, ‘you can, with a very little ready money, make a CHRISTMAS GIFT of a ‘splendid Diamond ring, brooch, stud, locket, earrings, or a Diamond stud- ded Watch. You have onty will be handed to you at your own door. to make a selection from our Catalogue and it If your selection is all that you anticipated and satisfactory in every way, pay one-Afth of the price and it. The balance you can cend us in eight equal monthly paymenta, k Should it in any way fall short of your expectations, simply return it at our expense, ‘We submit our goods on approval without cost to you and with absolute confidence that their quali favor, We eall only gensine DI jaarantee Certificate with ev sive the broad gus ty, low price and our easy terms of payment nd high-grade goods, giving very Diamond that responsible house ever of complete satisfaction to every patron. rn Confidential ‘Charge Account with us and all the LOFTIS sytem, prices and terme if an concerns cannot makes similar offer, f. sales Ocala Our Is BRO DIAMONDS WATCHES JEWELR’ - ‘are at your command. You will certainly lose ou undertake your Christmas sbopping fay cal Tost unusual offer tomaketoyou. It ie noth- ten percent. Smaller ‘permit them wt EHEISTHAS CATALOGUE to up ie the minata |. Write for it to-day. Ss. @ CO. Dept. L-40, 92 to 98 State Street CHICAGO, ILL. YY. mercial Haak of Chicago Capital @2,900,000 ‘THE SEVEN GAMES OF MAN. Man has seven ages, Just as Shakespeare wrote ; Here we give divisions He forgot to note, First is tag ; then leapfrog Fills his youthful time, While the third age, football, Finds him in his prime. Fourth, he fools with poker While his cash he burns ; Growing sedentary, Fifth, to golf he turns. Sixth age, staid and sober Bridge will fill his list ; Seventh, lean and slippered, Finds him playing whi ‘ew Yor Lawson—" What did the convention of barbers say when you addressed them ?” Dawson—" Why, do you know, I hadn't been talking three minutes before they all began shouting, * Next ‘Journal. “Do you have any trouble supporting your family, Sambo ?” “No, indeedy. Why, boss, I’s got one ob de best wifes in dis ‘ere town.”— Yonkers Statesman, “ Dis jar o' mustard, tic hobo, “ wuz de on'y outer dat grocery-store.” “Huh !* snorted his pessimistic pal. « We can’t eat mustard,” “No; but mebbe if we kin show some kind lady dat we've got de mustard she might give us some ham-sandwiches to put it on."—Philadelphia Press. Mrs, Muggins—“My husband always takes a day off when he has a birthday.” Mrs, Buggins—* And when you have id the optimis- ing | could swipe one, I suppose you take a couple of years off." —Philadelphia Record. Somerville | “Rome wasn't built ina day, you re- member.” “Ah! twas put up under a govern ment contract, was it ?"— Chicago Record- Herald. Fun tor the Millions JUDGE'S LIBRARY MAGAZINE, Ten Cents a Copy SIS HOPKINS’ OWN BOOK Ten Cents a Copy JUDGE'S QUARTERLY Twenty-five Cents a Copy JOEL JARVIS'S JAY JOKES ‘Ten Cents a Copy Any of the above by mail from the publishers on receipt of price Address JUDGE, New York “"Tain't my fault I'm at the foot of me class. Whose fault, then ?” “It's Johnnie Sapphead’s !_ He's got sick an’ can't come to school no more.”—New York Fournat. comicbooks.com