Judge, 1903-12-12 · page 10 of 16
Judge — December 12, 1903 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century humor: **"The Better Test"** mocks romantic courtship rituals. A girl claims apple seeds predict which suitor loves her; another girl cynically counters that the real test is whether a man will propose after being alone with her in dim parlor light—implying women strategically use seduction to secure marriage proposals. **"Remnants"** jokes about retail deception: a department store clerk struggles selling ribbon at fair price until his supervisor suggests repackaging it as discounted "remnants," fooling customers into thinking they're getting a bargain. **"Nothing to What He Would Be"** is a fisherman/lobster pun: a lobster complains about traps, and another warns that if caught, he'll be "boiling"—a dark joke about his fate. The remaining pieces are brief gags about diary-keeping, cooking school, train station credit, and a drunk ("water-wagon") joke. Overall, the page satirizes commercialism, female marriage strategies, retail fraud, and working-class life with gentle, period-appropriate humor.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE BETTER TEST. 'VE just learned a new charm to tell whether or not a man loves you,” says the girl with the bulging pompadour. “ What is it?" asks the girl with the new diamond ring. “Why, you take four or five apple-seeds and name each of them for a particular man, and place them—the apple-seeds, [ mean -on the stove, and the first one that pops is the one that loves you.” “Humph !” mused the girl with the new diamond ring, absent-mindedly twisting that piece of jewelry about her finger. “I know a surer way than that.” “ You do?” “Yes, indeedy. You take one particular man and place him on the sofa in the parlor, and sit close to him, with the light a little low, and look up to him very atten- tively, and if he doesn't pop you know it's time to put another man on the sofa.” REMNANTS. Department-store ribbon-clerk— | simply cannot mesmerize people into buying this ribbon at six cents a yard.” Floor-walker—" Well, cut it up into two- and three-yard lengths and mark it * Remnants—only eleven cents a yard.’” NOTHING TO WHAT HE WOULD BE. Losster—“ That confounded fisherman is always laying traps for me, It makes me mad.” Turris— Mad? If he catches you you'll be bolling.”” ACCORDING TO THE CENTURY. M¥ BROTHER Jobo a diary keeps, In emulating Samuel Pepys. I tell him, though he shirks and skips, If he would make a hit like Pepys, Inevitably the first step is To have a name like Mr. Pepys. A POST-GRADUATE COURSE. Mrs. Rickmond—\s your daugh- ter going back to the cooking-school this year?" Mrs. Bronxborough +" No; I'm A QUESTION OF CREDIT. Hiraw N D thet stashun-agint will tr fer a ticket to Pikeville tl next Friday?" B0inE ‘0 Keep her home until she learns ram Newcomer—"* D'ye s’pose thet stashun-agint rust me fer a ticket to Pikeville till nex yy" % Lawyer Haroon (a gay wag)—"* Well, you kin try him; but I've lived here nigh on twenty year an'I never © Cook some dishes that we can afford ‘seen trains er tickets leave thet stashun ‘on time.’ '* to eat.” TOO SLIPPERY FOR HIM. +1 thought he was on the water-wagon ?”” “* He was, but the water froze and he slid off.” comicbooks.com