Judge, 1903-07-11 · page 5 of 16
Judge — July 11, 1903 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains five brief humorous pieces typical of early 20th-century American magazine satire: **"The Wonders of Science"**: A newlywed couple on a ship. The bride romantically ponders the stars and Milky Way; her practical husband suggests they're preserved with "formaldehyde"—a darkly absurd joke mocking the gap between romantic idealism and scientific materialism. **"Precedence" and "Invidious"**: Quick one-liners about social hierarchies. A woman prioritizes photographing her baby over christening it (vanity over tradition). A man's kiss attempt is attributed to habit from calling on someone else. **"The Gong Was Gone"**: A farmhouse keeper explains his dinner gong disappeared when a circus ostrich ate it—obvious nonsense humor playing on rural gullibility. **"The Fount of Information"**: A theater reporter asks where a comic-opera actress will summer; she deflects all personal questions to her press agent, satirizing celebrity publicity machinery. All rely on period-specific social attitudes and simple wordplay rather than complex political commentary. The satire targets romantic pretension, social climbing, and emerging celebrity culture.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE. It WAS a beau- teous summer night. The bride and groom sat on the deck of the ship, afar on the bosom of the blue Atlantic, on their way to the Riviera, or some other place with an un- pronounceable name. Tenderly she gazed at the brilliant stars that blazed through the entrancing hue of the night sky. «Is it not won- derful ?” she mus- ed. "Just to think, all those stars shin- ing and shining and shining there through all the ages.” “It's very fine,” agreed the practi- cal bridegroom. “And that gauzy band across the heavens,” she murmured in girl- graduatish ace cents ; “that filmy fleece of star-dust which we mortals know as the milky way! I wonder how it has been preserved in all its gossamer purity through all the centuries that have gone?” Knowing that this was a time for him to show his complete knowl- edge, the young husband ventured, “Maybe they use formaldehyde.” PRECEDENCE. Madge—" Has she had the baby christened 2” Marjorie— “Good gracious, no! She hasn't had its photograph taken yet.” INVIDIOUS. Madge —“ He tried to kiss me, although we are not engaged.” Dolly—" What made him think he could do it?” Madge—“1 suppose it was be- cause he has been in the habit of call- ing on you.” A REALISTIC DREAM. Ator—"'I had a most wealistic dweam lawst night. | dweamt that my ancestors had come back to earth and were dining with me.” Eorru—" Realistic, you say?” Atcy—"'Oh, natuwal as life. 1 wemembaw one old ‘ bawon’ grew highly indignant at the butlaw because there was only one fawk at his plate.”” ‘THE GONG WAS GONE. AT THE farm the boarders are summoned to dinner by a long blast on a big horn. “How's this, Mr. Medder- grass?” asks a boarder who has just arrived, but who was a guest of the place last year. «How's what?” “Why, you blow a horn for dinner now, but last year you had a big brass gong that made a cheer- ful, railway - res- taurant racket at eating-time.” “That gong? Oh, yes ; I remem- ber now. You see, jest after you went away last summer along comes a cir- cus feller with his show on wagons an’ on foot, an’ he dickered with me fer dinner fer the hull outfit, an’ I'm blamed ef his os- trich didn’t sneak up to the house an’ eat that gong whilst the rest of ‘em was in the din- in'-room.”. ‘THE FOUNT OF INFORMATION, oe HERE will you spend the summer, Miss Lightfeet 2" asked the reporter of the comic-opera star- ess. “Con fidential- ly, my boy,” she told him, “I am going to papa’s lit- tle old shack in Jersey ; but if it’s information . you want for the paper go ask my press- agent. I don't know whether he has decided be- tween a tour of the Yosemite or Aix- les-bains for me.” Alice—“He was writing her name on the sand.” Edith—o Well, that's a good place to write it. He won't be embar- rassed by finding it there next sum- mer.” comicbooks.com