Judge — March 28, 1903 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AT THE JUDGE BUILDING, 110 FIYTH AVENUE, NEW YORE. itclading the Cinistatas Juoce. FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS—To all foreign countries in the postal union, $4.00. year. Westaxn Urrice—$28-829 Marquette Building, Chicas’ ompany, Bream's building, Chancery Turis; Suarbach's mews exchange, 3 ‘Brentana's, avenue de ¢ Opera tents of JUDGE are protected by copyri Infringement of this copyright will be promptly and vigorously prosecuted. CONTRIBUTORS must inclose a stamped and self-addressed envelope with all manuscripts, otherwise retura of the latter when found unavailable cannot be guaranteed. DRAWINGS and all contributions sent fo the Art Department should have the sender's ui: ress written plainly every separate sketch. The accompanying joke ot descriptive letterpress should sad NOT pon a separate slip of pai it of postage is also required. to insure sate and proms! bt in both the United States and Great Britain. Inclosure of stamps to the full 14 of material not accepted. NE BLUEBIRD does not make a spring hat. ILENCE may be golden, but it is of a different material that the golden lo liness of woman is usually composed. THE FOREIGNERS who fancy that this country should be the land of free trade are about on an intellectual level, as guessers, with that wild horde of native socialists that once considered it a land of free silver. N CONSIDERATION of the sums of matrimonial money that are carried out of this country by indigent lords, it might not be a bad idea to have a special tariff-rate put on these scions of nobility, whether they be grand dukes or mere two-spots, and also to compel the well-shekeled maidens of the land to pay an internal-revenue tax and to wear government stamps, like bits of court-plaster, the same to be canceled only when they are taken out of the, to them, galling bonds of celibacy by the said nobles. F THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY were only supplied with the right '« kind of principles it would be longer on the right kind of men and shorter on human chestnuts than it is to-day. As it is a party that does not know enough to come in out of the rain of free silver, it should not be too harshly criticised on the score of not being too top-heavy with the knowledge that is essential to victory. At present it looks very much to the contingent that knows, as if the Democrats are now re-roasting their ancient, threadbare chestnuts, Cleveland and Bryan, for 1904. They should know that a re-roasted chestnut, like a warmed-over pancake, is not easily swallowed and digested, for the simple reason that the chestnut, like the pancake, when once cold, is cold forever. These two paragons of up-to- date Democracy have been cooked so often that they are almost synony- mous with the crow which, served on the toast of defeat, has been from time immemorial so familiar a dish on the table of their party. Both of these chestnuts are unsound, and so wormy that they should be operated on im- mediately for appendicitis. It is even betting that one of them will be chosen, though many others may be called. The party standard-bearer may be the lesser of the two chestnuts, and even after he has barked himself out and gone the way he went before it is not at all certain that he will not bob up later on. It might be a good idea for the Democrats to run Cleveland and Bryan alternately, if for no other reason than that they could economize by laying in a great stock of banners that could be used over and over, like circus-posters and the music of the barrel-organ. And these faces, carved on chestnuts, might prove campaign cameos and intagl- jos that, for all-round at ic feeling, would put the well-known buttons forever in the shade that will not scatter and depart. eee HE TOBACCO HOG is again on the rampage and full of the activity inseparable from his idea that the earth is his. He is so full of the ginger of swiftness that no lightning calculator could count his spots. At present he is a stumbling-block that stands in the way of legitimate compe- tition with a firmness that would make it appear that he is nailed down and will be raised and scattered by nothing less than the dynamite of legisla- tion. The small dealer has about as much chance of success against the tobacco hog as a gosling would have against an alligator in a fight on water. what is vernacularly known as a“ grafter,”” and his voracity makes that of the ostrich and the wolf look small and insignificant. The man who eats a pair of quail daily fora given length of time on a wager would not shine long as a champion agairist the tobacco hog that simply wanders along the pasture-lands of business and devours the small dealers in very much the same manner that the ant-eater employs in devouring ants when his appetite is so sharp that, equipped with a handle, it would serve the purpose of a razor. There will be no legitimate competition in the tobacco business so long as the tobacco hog is alive and alert; and he will be both as long as he can chew and swallow and yearn for more. He can never bite off more than he can chew, but, on the contrary, will always. be able to chew more than he can bite off, which, so to speak, shows a sur- plus of energy on the side that’s unfavorable to the welfare of the small dealer; for so long as the latter holds out to burn so long will the tobacco hog hold out to chew. The tobacco hog now occupies the entire middle of the road and grunts ‘* No thoroughfare !”” whenever a small dealer heaves into view. He rolls and wallows in the prosperity in which he will not allow others to participate, and is therefore a hog pure and simple, from the point of view of the lover of fair play and general all-round commercial decency, As a moral monstrosity the tobacco porker has not an equal in all the length ard breadth of the business land, and when his hide is on the fence it will be better for all and for everything generally, with the exception of the said fence. LIKE A BIRD-DOG. Yes, poor Ike got shot by a tenderfoot hunter that was out after prairle-chickens.”” Gosh!’ I heard he died like a dog. but I didn’t hear the detalls."” comicbooks.com