Judge, 1902-12-20 · page 22 of 52
Judge — December 20, 1902 — page 22: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple humorous pieces typical of early 20th-century American satire: **"The Horseheads Philosopher"** presents a rustic character contentedly celebrating winter provisions and community self-sufficiency, with the ironic punchline that despite praising his village, he has nothing worth selling—mocking rural boosterism. **"At the Christmas Ball"** is a flirtation joke: a suitor claims to love a woman "for herself alone," but her father sarcastically doubts he could lie so convincingly, suggesting the suitor is after money. **"Foolish Proceeding"** satirizes a new minister's poor judgment in taking up collections after Christmas festivities when parishioners have already spent their money. **"Young America's Thirst for Knowledge"** features a child's logical question about why February, supposedly the shortest month, can't also be the shortest in the year—innocently exposing faulty reasoning. **"A Christmas Prank"** is a whimsical poem-illustration about Father Christmas kissing Mother Earth under mistletoe, causing an earthquake—wordplay on "Mother Earth" personified. The tone is gentle, domestic humor aimed at middle-class readers.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
‘THE HORSEHEADS PHILOSOPHER. pt I listen to the zephyr across the snowdrift whine. you, here at Horseheads it's looking very fine ; I isten to that music that makes imy fancies drip Like syrup off the pancaked that dowriward gayly slip. It makes my jaws in jig time the sausage masticate. Until Isnap my fingers and loudly laugh at fate, And fancy that old Santy has sent us lots of things Like bacon, squashes, turnips, and other stuff with wings, That fly into our stomachs and cheer us as they fy, Though cooked with beef or rabbits, or twidted into pie. And I just w’sh all people from here to Kankakee Are fixed up for the winter like us in Horseheads be. Hurrah for dear old Horseheads ! that laughs at winter’s wail While plenty hurls the wolf from the front door by the tajl And though I sing its praises as loud as T cam yell, I've not in all my acres « blooming lot to sell. AT THE CHRISTMAS BALL. Cuorty—" Did you tell your father that I loved you for yourself alone 2” Miss Gorrox—""Yes: and he said you must be smarter than you locked if you could lie like that.”* FOOLISH PROCEEDING. 66 TTHAT new minister,” said Mr. Wunder, “is about the biggest fool that has ever come here.” «What has he v 2” asked ss. Wunder, in Uae peices: ele tas he doveinow:? asked Nex: Wat i istic Gece = 11 sae geld Tinlee wher wonh'tes hy, the idiot wanted to take up a collection after the Christmas-tree exer- i thousand dollars each, why did he sell them so cheap to you?” cises. Might have known there wouldn't be a cent left in the congregation.” Faruer Browne—" ‘Sh! He told me they were * drum- mers’ samples." YOUNG AMERICA'S THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE. «SAY. par” DESIRABLE. “Well, what 2" 3 of the year are in December how can February be the + Ge THERE'S one great improvement I wish that “If the shortest da said shortest month in the year 2 Santa Claus would make this year, Cumso. “ What's that ?” asked Cawker. “T wish hewould attach a receipted bill to each present.” A CHRISTMAS PRANK. LD Father Chiristmas shook with mirth, ‘And laughed aloud in glee: “T'll play a joke on Mother Earth This Christmas eve,” said he. ‘Across the arctic ice and snow In his swift sleigh he hied, And a great bunch of mistletoe To the north pole he tied. Next morning, silently he came, And, just as he had schemed, He kissed the rosy, blushing dame— «+ An earthquake !” people screamed. “Sir! have you no respect for me ? , aa Tl not be treated so!” ¢ ails ase a Cried Mother Earth. Tut, tut,” said he, RRR << “You're ‘neath the mistletoe !" \ S Qus-pians canouie wes Butrerrey—"' Gee! if they ain't using me as a parrot. and | never could swear very well.”” comicbooks.com