Judge — August 9, 1902 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

COUNTRY COMPETITION. SOYES, sir,"” said the proprietor of the Two-miles-off-the-pike sum- mer resort, ‘‘a feller has to be up an’ comin’ in this year o’ grace if he keeps in line an’ collars the city trade."” Here he selected a wisp of hay and chewed it reflectively. “It’s got so,” he resumed, “that the city boarders ain't content with mosquitoes an’ sunburn an’ freckles an’ buttermilk an’ all the other un- comfortable things that used to be considered the proper features of a farm vacation. For a while croquet was thought to be about as excitin’ as anything, an’ a farm that offered a good croquet-ground was sure to have arush, Then come tennis, an’ mother an’ the girls had to take to hangin’ the washin’ out on the blackberrie: instead o’ in the front yard, to dry. Next it was golf. Well, sir, it took up so much ground that I didn’t make hardly a cent last year, because I had to buy all my fresh vegetables in the cans instead o’ rai part o’ them myself. Now it’s ping-pong. That makes the business some better, be- cause the boarders is in such a big hurry to get to playin’ again that they don’t care to have the table used very long to eat on.” “You seem to have a good crowd of boarders,” suggested the other man. “Yes. An’ it's just through keepin’ my eyes open, an’ always goin’ my competitors one better. Now, there was Reub Spiker, down the road about four mile. He ad- vertised city comforts an’ all that sort of thing, just because he'd had two CONCERNING THE SUMMER BOARDER. + AIR you folks reckonin’ on takin’ boarders this summer, Luke?” inquired Seth Turniptop of Luke Leatherbottom when the two met the other Saturday at the post-office. “Hey—boarders, did you say? Humph! Wa-al, I should reckon not! I d'want none of them city folks _ ‘round me agin, arter las’ summer. If they warn’t the peskiest lot of crit- ters I ever did see! They cum all chuck full of highfalutin’ notions, but I guess they got some of ’em tuk out of ‘em ‘fore they went back. They bothered ma to death, an’ made her that narvous—my! They wanted a separate spoon fer the sugar bowl, b'gosh! Tew high-toned to stick their own spoons in! Ever hear the like of it? No, I reckon not! Then the table cloth had to be taken off right in the middle of the week—turnin’ so "s to hev the spots on the under side warn’t enough. Ma mus’ hustle it off an lay a bran’clean one. An’ the napkins! One spot on a napkin made ‘em sick, an that napkin had to go. Sunday cleanin’ warn’t often enough. What else? Plenty. They wanted me to give ’em helpin's, ‘stead of passin’ the platter an lettin’ each Dolly—" There is only one fault I ha‘ to find with this season's bathing- dresses.” Madge—" What's that. dear?”* Dolly—"It. doesn't matter where girl got vaccinated, the mark is sure to show.” screen doors put on his house. But I got a couple o’ boxeso’ fly paper an’ discounted his business right off. I was down by Spiker’s to-day, an’ what do ye s'pose he’s doin’? Got a gang o’ men diggin’ trenches through the front yard, an’ puttin’ up ‘Dan- ger’ signs here an’ there. Says it'll look just like these here subway dig- gin’s in New York. Huh! Know what I’m goin’ to do?” “I'd like to know,” acknowledged the other man. “I'm goin’ to make his old sub- way look like a ditch! See that big hill up there back 0’ the house? I've sent to town for ten kegs o’ powder an’ a lot o’ red fire, an’ I'm goin’ to excavate that hill, an’ plant them explosives, an’ then I'm goin’ to git it put in the papers that they’s a extinct volcano on my place that has been a-rumblin’ all spring. An’ then some night when they’s several news- No better Turkish Cigarette can be made Egyptian Deities Cork Tips as well paper men out here on my pussonal invitation, an’ we've used up about half that barrel o’ hard cider I've had in the cellar for several years, I'm goin’ to have that powder an’ red fire touched off. An’ then you'll see!” “Great idea,” commented the listener, “Great? Well, I should snicker Why, say, I've already got a man paintin’ my new sign. I’m goin’ to call this place ‘Volcano Villa,’ an’ I'll guarantee a eruption every two weeks, | rain or shine, an’ unless Spiker can get up a earthquake I’ve got him beat so far that he'll never see the color o° another boarder’s money.” wD, NESOrT. feller dish his own mess. Waz-al, I kicked on that. / was there to eat, not to scrape fer other people. An’ I didn’t put a collar on, neither, week- day meals, tho’ one of the boarders —a man, b'gosh!—was that finicky he hinted to ma to ask me to. I had something else to do besides dressin’ an’ undressin’. They wouldn’t wash in the basin where the res’ of us did. Sh’ say not! They made ma lug water clean up stairs, fer their private use, by jinks! An’ each room used three or four towels a week! Poor ma ‘bout broke her back washin’ things. Sundays they wanted risin’ bell at seven, ‘stead of five, tho’ how a body kin lay abed till near noon is more 'n we kin figger. Durned if some of them people didn’t try to eat peas with a fork! Shelled peas, mind ye! An’ the fool talk, an’ the way they thought they knowed every- thing. But not a one could tell which end of a horse or of a cow riz first from the ground, gittin’ up. Wa-al, they "bout wore out our forks an’ feelin’s, an’ didn’t go any tew soon. No more city folks fer us—no, sir! They're more bother than they’re wuth.” DWE L. SABIx. Two Indiana men are pointed to with pride because they went to New York and became multi-millionaires., And yct |they are not heard of so much as they would have been had they. stayed at home and composed dialect poetry.— Baltimore American. Benedict—"Do you biles are dangerous?” Bachelor—" Yes; 1 knew a fellow who he misses the ba’? First caddie— Second caddi Every bottle of Evans’ Ale is an object lesson in the science of brewing and bottling a perfect ale, and its history is the history of the progress of the ale brewing’ industry up to date. The finished, smcoth, mellow flavor, ‘sparkling brillianey, and froth of cream, together with Gagrance of a feld of blossoming hops, are a revelation to ale-drinkers. | think automo- what does he say?" — (disgustedly)— "Tut! Tut!"—Glasgow Evening Times. + took a girl out in one and he’s going to marry her."—Yonkers. Statesman | PANEL ELAS. — | Yh amoderate price, Hand First caddie—"1 saw ye cairrying for made. Best selec he minister yesterday, Donald; what tobacco, Pull size, 6 in. in’ o' player is he gee deer deat Second caddie—" Man, he'll never mak’| [91 you tunrit vox ov to a gowffer. D'ye ken what he says when rered Pre. State cto, Tighe edo, W.1. 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