Judge, 1902-05-03 · page 10 of 16
Judge — May 3, 1902 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces from *Judge* magazine: **"Ye Sample-Bottle Manne"** is a mock-medieval tale mocking hypochondriacs who collect patent medicine samples. Phylemon Fadoogius obsessively drinks these throughout spring, claiming various ailments. His fed-up wife finally smashes his entire medicine collection, which paradoxically cures him—suggesting the medicines were placebos and his "diseases" imaginary. The satire targets both gullible consumers and the patent medicine industry's proliferation of bogus remedies. **"Just Suited Him"** (bottom) is a brief joke about a man planning to raise peaches in Delaware. His friend asks why, and he replies that his crop would fail there annually—implying Delaware's climate makes it unsuitable, so failure is guaranteed. The humor is dry: the man seems resigned to inevitable failure. The page reflects early 20th-century American skepticism toward unregulated patent medicines and their aggressive marketing to the worried well.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
YE SAMPLE-BOT TLE MANNE. (Reing @ proper true storie for ye enter taynemente of yonge & olde, wyth some sort of moralle sayinge at ye ende., HERE named as a certayne manne Phylemon Fadoo- ius, ye whych hadde a moste peculiar fancie to secure sample hotles or phyalles of different met ycines. ye that whene ye other- ¢ gladsome tyme of sprynge was at and ye lyttle birds were synginge in ye trees, and ye ycemenne were shouteing in ye hyghewayes and byewayes, he wolde fayne be consumeinge his medycine that he hadde stored alle ye yeare prevyous. Nowe, hys wyfe was a moste energet- ick and healthie womanne, who had noc sympathie nor feelynge for them that were but half-waye sick, and she was oftenne grievouslic angered at Phylemon whenne that he entered ye house about ye fyrste warme daye and sanke hym downe intoe achayre and held hys hande uponne hys browe or hys backe and made moche imeani sayeinge, “Verilie, | see darke specks before mine eyes, and am aware of an overcoate uponne my tongue, and my cares buzz wyth Surelie, | am aboute toc dye, unlesse that [take some of ye med- ycine wherewyth | have provyded myselfe through ye kyndnesse of ye generous man: ufacturers Sayeinge whych, he wolde go unto hys medycine-cheste and take therefrom a bot- tle of Lyttle’s liver lyvelier or Hyggyn’s stomack joggler and swallowe a large dose a fearefulle buzzinge Nowe, as ye trybe of makers of medy- cine increased, soe did ye number of ye diseases of Phylemon Fadoogus, until at ye laste he wolde begin on ye fyrste daye of Februarie and drynke medycine from sam- Van Bieser Van Dyxe own. Van Bisser yQ vy OWED TO HIS WIFE. Marriage was the making of that man. “He doesn't look as if he dared to call his soul his He doesn’t: so now the politicians are mentios ing him for the highest offices.” OLD Laoy— SHE HAD. * Oh, officer, officer! feel so funny!" Orricer—“* Have you vertigo, ma'am >" Otv Lapy—" Yes: about a mile.” ple bottles untille ye laste daye of June, ye whych was stretch- ing ye sprynge seasonne too moche. And soe ye woman, hys wyfe, hecame mightilie an- grie, and she toke ye axe where- wyth she was wont toe splitte ye woode when Phylemon was ylle, and she seized uponne hys medycine-cheste and she toke therefrom alle of hys specy- menne medycines, from ye bot- tle of Ball’s baldnesse bewylder- er toe ye lyttle box of Crone’s chyropodyst compounde, and she car- ryenatyoned them one and alle, soe that everie one was teetotallie smash- ed uponne ye grounde. And whenne next her husbande had dolefulle symptommes and went toe hys medycine-cheste, beholde! there was naught thereynne toe try. And he got soe madde thereat that he forgotte toe be sycke. And it made a newe manne of hym Nowe, ye morale toe be drawne That ye dystance of ye «ysease is proportionate toe ye dys- tance of ye doctor, and that we be happyer whenne we do not know of somethyng toe cure somethyng that we didde not knowe we hadde until we read ye symptommes on ye lay- belle. from this is: JOSH WYN. JUST SUITED HIM. Cobwigger—" Why do you think of going to Delaware to raise peaches ?” Goldstein frent, ef failure. * Pecause, mine ry year der crop vould pe a -