Judge — April 12, 1902 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AT THE JUDGE BUILDING, 110 FIFTH AVENUK, NEW YORK, Terms to Subscribers. UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE. ‘One copy. = $500 SURSCRIPTIONS—To all foreign countries in Westeex Orrice—Henry Fi Eunorean sa EC, Landon Cermany The contents of JUDGE are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this copyright will be promt Iv prosecuted. CONTRIBUTORS must inclose a stamped essed envelope with all manus otherwise return of the latter when found w be guaranteed. ORAWINGS and all contributions sent fo the Art Department should have the seader’s fall name and address written plainly on each and every separate sketch. The accompanying joke or descriptive letter-press should in every instance be written upon its individeal picture, and NOT upon a separate slip of paper. Inclosure of stamps to the full amovat of postage is also required, to insure safe and prompt retara of exaterial not accepted. WE ARE now told of the superiority of Boston ferns, which may in time become a term indicative of general all-round excellence similar to that of Boston beans, Philadelphia scrapple, Albany beef, Portland cement, Milwaukee beer, Chicago pork, New Orleans molasses, Scranton coal, and Newburg lobster. Long may the Boston ferns wave in triumph, and in time may they mingle their fragile fairy fronds with the Laurel leaves of the deathless crown that is the glory of the bean-pot of old St. Botolph’s town, HE MYLODON is neither a musical instrument nor a mathematical term, if we may judge by a paragraph that reports the discovery of askeleton of one recently in Terra del Fuego. The truth of this re- port, however, is gravely doubted by Professor Osborn, who says that there is no sedimentary deposit in Terra del Fuego in which such a skeleton would be found. As there are but three such skeletons in existence, the Possessors of them should be gratified in being made aware of this fact, a the monetary value of a mylodon’s skeleton, from the standpoint of the collector, is based entirely upon its rarity. Although the report of such discovery may be a matter of so grave and unusual importance 1 genuine flutter among paleontologists, it shoukl not necessarily cause uneasiness or loss of sleep among that great contingent of good peo ple that is now floundering ii the subtle intricacies of the great sartorial riddle which involves their ability or inability to doff the winter toggery within the next fleeting moon. Mylodon us no mylodons at a time when we require the assistance of the largest kind of mental safety-valve to blow off the steam of nimble rapture that is ours when we precipitate ourselves, upon the pyramid of strawberries that makes our thoughts shine and shim- met like the silver shingles on the sha jet, manager, beyce Building, Chic scante—/atermational meves company. Brean s building. Chancery lane, Virentano's, arwnue det Opera, Paris, Starhach's news exchange, Mains, as to [TIS SAID by an eminent authority that it requires fully five hours for the human stomach to dispose of an ordinary meal and be ready to fall into a state of blissful repose. Therefore is the human stomach altogether too slow for the age in which we pursue the slippery dollar and have our being, or else the age in which we pursue the slippery dollar and have our being is altogether too swift for the human stomach. If we could but slacken the pace of business or increase the swiftness of the action of the human stomach to such an extent that they could meet on even terms, all would be well; but science has not yet formulated a system by which a result so devoutly to be wished may be accomplished. What the hustling greedofgainiac of to-day needs is a five-minute stomach to match the five- minute buffet luncheon, that he may at once be re: ction and not be compelled to play second fiddle to his digestion during business hours and mope around in a dazed sort of way, like the emu, that staggers about while assimilating the marbles, suspender-buttons, and golf-balls that rattle weirdly within him. HE POCKET-FLASK, which is to Kentucky what the dimpled dough- nut is to Maine, is quite likely to join the mastodon and the dodo; for be it known th compressed drink—that is, a drink contained in a tab- let—is about to be put upon the market. One of these tablets, it is said, will be equal to an ordinary drink when dissolved in the mouth; so that a man at the theatre, while apparently taking a two-grain quinine pellet for his malaria, may in reality be indulging in a three-finger drink to add zest and sprightliness to his fane: These tablets will be such stuff as Ken- tucky colonels are made of; and it may come to pass that beverages of the finest quality will come within the reach of those unfortunates who now fancy they are superlatively happy when gazing upon the inferior snake of the imagination when rendered delirious by wood-alcohol. Men will be ex- horted not to look upon the tablet when it is white, and the temperance orator will denounce the demon tablet as the destroyer benedth whose ma- lign influence the happy home disintegrates and scatters in all directions. The odium that attaches to the black bottle will be transferred to the tab- let-box, and in time the tablet cure may become a lucrative specialty in the science of medicine. Men will of course take tablets for sociability as well as for business purposes, and they will «also bet tiblets on the slightest provocation in support of their opinions; and the governor of North Caro- lina may casually call the attention of the governor of South Carolina to the fact that it is a long time between tablets. let poker may become anew name for an old game, and the New Jersey farmer may harvest his orchard crops and translate them into the applejack tablets that uplift and cheer. The tablet habit, and under the influence of tablets, may become common sayings. If the revenue imposed by the government should be considered too high by the purveyors, we may have an illicit, or moonshine, tablet on the market to tax the vigilance of the o js. The policeman then absorb a tablet while on duty, and only betray his cloven foot by his cloven breath, for the reason that the tablet will in all probability be clove-flavored. If the whiskey tablet is to become a recognized institu- tion of joy and solace, let us trust that it may also be smooth, soothing, seductive, soul-satisfying and snakeless. TE ruaha a ee ae NO MORE HORSE-STEALING IN THE WEST. “* Hello, Ike! Aura Ike (the horse What are you doing so far away from home? ‘Well, | had to come east to pick pockets. Since they introduced automobiles in the west there's ‘nothin’ doin’* out thers comicbooks.com