Judge — February 22, 1902 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

tude PUBLISHED WREELY AT THE JUDGE BUILDING. 110 FIVTH AVENUE, NEW YORK. Terms to Subscribers UNITED STATES AND CANADA ne copy, one year, or 52 numbers = = § One copy. sie months of a6 mambers | "8 One copy, for thirteen weeks "Pictuding the Cmistias Jvoce FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS—To all foreign countries inthe postal union, $6.00 a yeas Wesraxn Orrice—Henry Bright, manager, Beyce Building, Chicago, EUnornan sAtis-acescrs—lafernational mews company, Bream's building, Chancery Cy London Saarbach's mews exchange, Marne z Br it, atwnue de (Opera, Paris: Germany. contents of JUDGE are protected by cenmigt ! both the United States and Great Britain. ously prosecuted. \ddressed envelope with all manuscripts, ot inavailable cannot be guaranteed. DRAWINGS and all contributions sent fo the Art Department should have the sender's full name and address The accompanying joke or its individual picture, and NOT re of stamps to the ful postage is also required, aerial not accepted. EVEN AS MONEY makes the automobile go, so does the automobile make money go. tee THE SNOW falls on the land of the just and the unjust alike. But the man who cannot afford the luxury of having the snow shoveled off his walk, but must do the shoveling himself, is usually the one to whom fate sends the highest drifts. HE LAPIDARY gazes long and fondly upon the six-sided:conceits with which nature has so richly dec- orated the roof of the terrapin, and says that he is diamond- backed. The dealer in vegetables, realiz+ ing the unusual in- trinsic value that is putting the laurel on the brow of the Hibernian tuber, re- gards the terrapin through the goklen spectacles of fi- nance, and declares in a tone of deep commercial rever- ence that the charmed denizen of the Chesapeake which is the cyno- sure of all epicurean eyes is potato- backed. LARGE sum of money has just been given by a well-known philanthropist for the protection of the wild flowers and the wild birds. We most sincerely and earnestly trust that the wild flowers and the wild birds may have such protection as to make it im- possible for the golden-rod to get into our books and our smoking tobacco, and to prevent the woodcock, standing in the heroic attitude of a gladiator, from finding an abiding-place on the mantelpiece under gl This would be the right kind of protection, as it would be as keenly appreciated by the birds and flor s by the lover of nature who loves the birds and the flowers most in the woods, although he may not be dead to the charms of the former on toast, or to the beauties of the latter as they undulate rhyth- mically on the fair and fragile wish-bone of the haughty society belle. NCE MORE the melancholy fact is announced by torial authority that the real and most precious lobster, is vanishing. If the lobster is really vanishing from the s means that the sea will be sadder both in spirit and in the music with which it tumbles and booms on the shining sands. And man will be sadder, too, for the reason that he loves the lobster in an epicurean way with so intense passion that he thinks Aphrodite would have shown a keener appreciation of everything if she had discarded the now historic dove and substituted the lobster when she rose in triumph from the sea. We do not know at just how great a rate of speed the lobster is vanishing, but we trust that its rate of vanishing from the sea is so much slower than that of its vanishing from the table that we may long have this king of shellfish to gild our post- prandial dreams with chaste, ineffable joy and to fill our souls with the mysterious music of the waves. AN OLD-TIMER. Watrer—"Anything the matter with that egg. sir? Mr. Daniets—" Well, it isn’t what it was cracked up to be." A SPECIAL POISON-CORK BILL has just been introduced by Senator Marshall. This bill, which is a thoroughly unique one,'pro- vides that no one dealing in poisonous drugs shall sell the same unless the corks of the bottles into which they are put are made of a material that will cause the person uncorking them to know by the sense of touch that they contain poison. No one knows just how such a cork can be made, and the senator himself is a bit dubious on the subject, as he says that he asked that very question of the person who gave him the bill. In other words the stopper must indicate what is in the bottle by touch. This kind of safety cork would doubtless be a great blessing, especially for the great careless, didn’t-know-it-was: loaded class of people that always takes chances and never fails to laugh at them that are cautious. The only trouble about the introduction of the safety-cork is that its success would only lead to the introduction of other corks of warning. And it is quite likely that these would include a cork of so sensitive a make as to enable the groper in the dark, whether a Kentuckian or not, to know at a glance, or rather at a touch if a bottle contained whiskey, gin, rum, cocktails or lithia water. And this might be followed by \d ayricultural triumph, for it could only be con- sidered as such, of producin; ‘orn-cob, which, when forced down into the thorax of a stone jug, would instantly tell him that touches it whether it contains cider, molasses, vinegar, or whiskey. Careful, far-sighted men might then gain immunity from uxorial suspicion by stoppering their cod- liver oil bottles containining whiskey with molasses corks. And it may come to pass that a mouthpiece will be invented for nursing-bottles that will enable all-wise babies, including those whose bright sayings go the rounds of the press, to decide immediately whether or not the milk in their bottles is pure or adulterated, and if in the depths of its opalescent bosom a battle royal is going on between two armies composed of typhoid and tuberculosis germs. wee HEN THE STATE ENTOMO- LOGIST of New Jersey sug- gested that ten thousand dollars be raised for the extermination of the mosquito from his na- tive heath of red mud and al- coholic lightning, he certainly gave the student of finance a new idea of the far-reach- ing influence and power of the mighty dollar. Any man who has ever at- tempted to sleep in an odrinary Jersey bedroom with these buzzards, discours- ing their own moon- light melodies with Liszt variations, will agree with us that ten thousand dollars would not begin to drive them out of a single township. They have usually been destroyed with ker- osene oil, and the people who have endeavored to kill two of these birds with one stone by putting oil on their heads at night to kill them and to cause their enfeebled hirsute to take a fresh flying start have discovered that they thrive on the kerosene much better than does their hair. This statement should in itself be a denial of the story that the Standard Oil Company is secretly cultivating the mos- quito with a view to creating an unusual demand for oil to be used in the lubrication of swamps and pond-bosoms. It has been discovered that the mosquito is a cure for rheumatism, and that when he lights on his victim for the purpose of quenching his thirst that he really luxuriates in a rheu- matism cocktail and relieves the aforesaid victim of his pain, which, how- ever, is not transferred to his (the mosquito’s) wings. It has been said that many ponds have been salted with lithia by a certain medical expert, with the idea of producing a lithiated mosquito that would cause gout and rheu- matism to fly from the bitten victim at a record-breaking gait. This will account, perhaps, for the discovery that the mosquito is a cure for rheuma- tism, and that instead of being a pest he is really a therapeutic blessing. Students will observe that his buzz is now identical with the fizz that is caused when a lithia tablet is being dissolved in a glassful of water. Hence he should be called the effervescent mosquito, and not only ten thousand, but tens of thousands of dollars, should be raised for his preservation, that New Jersey may become a uric-acid sanitarium. Then any one caught killing a mosquito should be punished by a fine, like so-called sportsmen who shoot bobolinks in the nest and kill moose out of season, And then the state should have a new Seal—a mosquito rampant on a five-grain lithia tablet—to induce all patriotic Jerseymen to regard this moonlight minstrel ats second only to the American eagle. comicbooks.com