Judge, 1902-02-15 · page 7 of 16
Judge — February 15, 1902 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces targeting turn-of-the-century American social issues: **"Sinews of War"** mocks wealthy criminals, showing an embezzler seeking legal help—the lawyer's joke is that bribery ("if you haven't spent the money") is the solution, satirizing corruption in the justice system. **"The Boys and the Ice"** is a moral fable: two boys fight over melting ice, and by the time one wins, the prize has disappeared. This appears to allegorize pointless conflict (possibly referencing prolonged wars with no real gains). **"A Woman with a Past"** satirizes nouveau riche anxieties. A woman from Higginsville, Ohio, newly wealthy through her father's trust, is mortified that her humble origins—childhood photos, village newspaper records of her youth—might become public knowledge. The satire targets both social climbing and the embarrassment of sudden wealth acquisition. **"The Same Old Habit"** and **"Like a Fish"** are brief domestic humor sketches about marital habits and drinking. The common thread: anxiety about social status and the consequences of one's history in a rapidly changing society.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
SINEWS OF WAR. Prisoner—"' I've embezzled one hundred thousand dollars. Can you get me out cf the scrape? Lawrer— ‘THE BOYS AND THEICE. WO boys once found a lump of ice on the sidewalk. The day was hot . and the ice was tempting. Both claimed ownership in the cooling substance, and naturally a clash followed. “The ice is mine, for I saw first," chimed the boys in unison and in excellent tempo. “It is mine,” said the boy with one suspen- der, “because I picked it up. But he did not pick it up. The other boy skillfully prevented that manceuvre. ‘Then they fell to fighting, disregarding all rules about not hitting in clinches, and resorting te gouging and the use ot their teeth. Mr. Citiman Yes. if you haven't spent the money.”” DISCHARGING HIS COOK. “Goodness! Look at the explosion over there!"* Kommurer (yowning)—" My! that's only Ketchatrain discharging his cook.” THE SAME OLD HABIT. Mr. Swettur few men can say that." Mas. Swetur—"'I guess there i Mr. Swettur—" What's that?” “+ Well, Julia. here it is the middie of February and | have kept all my New Years’ resolutions. Very one you forgot to make.” Mrs. Swettur—"To stop bragging.” For ten minutes the fight was fiercely con- tested, and when one boy was finally vanquished the conqueror discovered that the cause of the conflict had melted. Moral: When the war is too prolonged there are no spoils for the victors. W. B MOLLAND, A WOMAN WITH A PAST. S¢CCURSES on my fate !" The unhappy girl moaned sadly. “Curses on my fate!” she repeated. ‘Must my past ever pursue me like a phantom of evil?" She shuddered so that her clothes refused to fit her properly “Ah-h-h-h!" she groaned. “Just when I am getting a foothold in society, here comes some secret enemy who threat- ens to publish my picture as a baby, when I gained grief, her father slunk from the haggard look in his eye. thirty pounds in two months by eating infant food; and, as if that were not enough, he declares that he will scatter broad- cast. fac-simile pages of the village paper which tells of my having been voted the most popular young woman in Higgins- ville, Ohio!" Though her agonized parents endeavored to soothe her by telling her of the new trust her papa had formed thatvery day she still moaned and re- fused to be comforted, crying: “Oh, papa! why were you not my grand- father? Then we would not have had to bear this blightof having suddenly acquired wealth. Trembling with room with a (P. S—The unhaggard eye was glass.) Mrs, SHaD—"' Mr. Shad, you've been drinking again!"* comicbooks.com