Judge — January 11, 1902 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AT THE JUDGE BUILDING, 110 VIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK. Terms to Subscribers. UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE. One copy, one year, or 52 numbers - - $5.00 Qve copy, six months of # numbers - 230 One copy, for thirteen weeks ss > 138 "Pctading the Crnisraeas Joc FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS—To all foreign countries in the postal union, $6.00 a year. Wesraen Orrice—Henry Bright, manager, Beyce Building, Chicago. International mcves company, Bream's build mcery lane, F.C, London; Brentano's, avenue de Opera, Paris; Saarbach's mews exchange, Marms, Germany. The contents of JUDGE are protected by « in both the United States and Great Brit DRAWINGS and all contributions seal fo the Art address writen pl each and every separate s descriptive letter. press 4 Ye written upon its Individeal pict Slip of paper. Iaclosure of stamps fo the full amount of postage is also required, to insare safe and pr rn of material net accepted. HE snowbird twitters when no flake of snow Is in the air, his heart to set aglow, Unlike proud he’s builded, don’t you know. HE AMERICAN ARMY- MULE is making himself felt in South Africa, where he is now fighting under the Briti It is safe to say that the American mule has proved a great acquisi- tion to the British cause, and that the British lion feels quite serene and happy in looking over the situa- tion with his new ally and partner, whose heels, though often felt, are never seen in flight. Under ordinary condi- tions the American mule can fight as hard as the American eagle can scream or the British lion can roar. And when it comes to twisting the British lion’s caudal appendage or pulling feathers out of the American eagle’s tail, the mule may be depended upon, when called, to join in the fight and win hoofs down, The American mule is certain to give a good account of him- self, and show by his Americanism on the African battle-field that he is in every way worthy of immortality on a flag, a coin, a crest, or a postage-stamp. Long may he flourish and kick his way to victory, and satisfy the Briton and the American alike that he is a military animal as well as the logical quad- ruped to make a horseless cavalry and keep the stars and stripes and the union jack waving at the top. WHAT RUINED HIM. Mr. Recks—" You say you were formerly a western millionaire. gambled your fortune away?” Fuzzie Freppie—"* No, sir. oe VARIOUS THINGS have been tried on the proverbial dog, with more or less success, from time immemorial; but up to the hour of going to press we heard for the first time that Christian science had been tried on a Chicago jaguar suffering with rheumatism. If the jaguar had been bene- fited—which it appears he was not—it would be patent to the most obtuse reasoner that after all Christian science is good for something, and is, moreover, more than a mere business proposition on the part of the high priests and other dignitaries of the cult. It begins to look as if this cure-all is, in point of fact, for man and beast a cure-nothing, and this belief should cheer the veterinary and gild his trusting soul with the hope that the cow may never be cured of garget, nor the horse of botts, by playing on their imagination in such a way as to make them believe they are sound in wind and limb. Christian science will never cause the leopard to fancy that he is spotless, nor the tiger to believe that his stripes are checks, any more than it will prove instrumental in making the average mortal cocksure that he isa millionaire. Thus is another popular idol torn down and shattered by the Chicago jaguar, whose rheumatism is Christian-science proof, and who probably sneers at this visionary panacea while he twinges with pain and yearns and yearns fora good substantial cocktail of lithiated hydrangea, lived in Utah, an’ as all me friends got married ‘bout three dozen times apiece | went broke buyin’ cut-glass an’ silverware fer weddin'-presents.”" ALTHOUGH you grease the snow-plow for the fray, Don’t pack the ancient lawn-mower away. The weather ’s now so twisted and so mixed You may need both before the close of day. T NOW TRANSPIRES that most of the eighteen-| diamond-back terrapin that gilds the fleeting moments of the feast is not in reality te rapin at all, but musquash, which, freely translated from the Choctaw, plain, old-fashioned, democratic muskrat. In other words, the muskrat is the understudy of the terrapin, and the more scarce the terrapin makes itself the more conspicuous does the muskrat become on the flowered dam- ask of the festal board. The question which naturally rises in the mind of the student of irs is, what shall we do for terrapin when the muskrat joins the dodo and becomes an empty memory? And it is then we realize that our old friend the lobster is waxing scarcer and scarcer all the time. He is now almost as expensive as is the po id we cannot refrain from wondering who or what will be his gastronomic proxy when he is not and the cold winds whistle through his fabled shell. There are many people who are euphemistically known as lobsters, though we do not know why these unworthy persons should have their unworthiness emphasized by a n with the toothsome shell-fish that a great French poet called a. If the human lobster would only become more con- old way would increase in numbers, it would have a most salutary effect on civilization and the bill-of-fare. Let us trust that the lobster may never st, that its light may never go out, that its shadow may never s, and also that the report to the effect that when we pay for ter- rapin we eat muskrat, is entirely without foundation in fact. Let us fancy that it is a fabrication unworthy of serious consideration, and that the muskrat may not be puffed up and swollen with pride over his imaginary accession to the throne held down so well and so firmly by the gay and festive amphibian that drifts about the Chesapeake like a lotos-eater and dream- ily warbles, “ Mary- land, my Maryland!” T° PUT IT PARA- DOXICALLY, baseball is now both in and out of season. Baseball is played dur- ing the summer, but during the winter the baseball war is carried ‘on within-doors. It is a pity that the anni lation of the umpire is not a specialty of the winter session, at which the hardest fighting is done. If the scrimmage in question were but open to all lov- ers and followers of the game the latter would see a mélée that in their eyes would cause a fight on the diamond to dwindle into insignificance and to look, in comparison, as mild and harmless as a game of checkers as played on the Wayback farm. If the patrons of this sport could attend one of these commercial wars and view the lively scene through the spectacles of baseball enthusiasm, those of them that belong to the bleacher contin- gent and love dissension and sanguinary excitement would no longer sur- render the shekels of the realm to see the game as played on the diamond. Many of the magnates and officials of the league were once ball-tossers themselves, and may therefore be regarded as post-graduates in the gentle art of scrapping. That they are unbelted champions in this field there can be no doubt, if we may base our conclusions on the newspaper stories of the proceedings, which, in all probability, are so toned down and mellowed by the reporters as to really give nothing like a true picture of the scene, which in the matter of liveliness and vim must be quite equal to the aver- age six-day South-American revolution, We think that all the s pugnacity should be confined to and reserved for the diamond itself, where it may be enjoyed to the full by appreciative thousands who do not object to having their recreation embroidered with carnage, and to whom the ele- ment of danger is always stimulating and refreshing. The people whose enthusiasm and dollars keep the game in a flourishing condition are the ones that should enjoy all the excitement that there is in it. And when they can only read of the war of the officials they are enveloped in the same darkness that surrounds them when they peruse in a paper the description of a baseball game that they have not seen. Or the winter warriors might permit the public to attend their sessions, which would be all the better and more exciting if not held under police protection. | suppose, like the rest, you books-com