Judge — December 21, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘PUBLISHED THIS WEEK. The Christmas Judge =—]| HRISTMAS JUDGE isa combination of Christmas stocking f)}|| and Christmas-tree that fills alike the heart of the hosier and the heart of the forestry sharp with joy. It is a Chris: mas stocking warranted not to shrink or wear out at the heel, and a Christmas-tree that casts no shadow, but one in whose boughs shines golden fruit, while the bird of merriment sings its choicest melody. There is more Christmas atmosphere to the square inch in CHRISTMAS JUDGE than in a thousand department stores com- bined. In every joke you smell the luscious turkey; between the lines of every poem you hear Christmas chimes; in every story you see Santa Claus gliding along -in his deerless sleigh; in every picture you taste plum pudding, and in every artistic “ad ‘—and they are all artistic— you feel like a millionaire. It will thus be realized by the most obtuse that it appeals to all the senses at once, which results, naturally, in a great, big, composite thrill of pleasure that should cause people who have never experienced this kind of all-absorbing, joyful thrill, to pur- chase a copy, if only to know this novel experience. CHRISTMAS JUDGE contains many pictures of pretty girls that are enough to rejuvenate the man whose face wears the alligator skin of time, and whose teeth have gone forth in search of the hair that tarries with the snowflakes of the winter before the war. There are many other pictures that are candy for the child, angel-cake for the society girl, terrapin for the gourmet, and the grand combination of spring chicken and water- melon for the ever-frisky African. In saying that CHRISTMAS JUDGE covers the ground, we mean that it covers the land from sea to sea, from mountain to mountain, and takes in every lake, gulf, and golf district. It goes everywhere, just as Santa Claus goes everywhere, and wherever it goes it goes to stay and nail its effects down and become permanent. It is a choice nosegay culled from the sunniest corner of the choicest flower-garden of art, and every flower is fit to shine in the ringlets of the Stanlaws girl, whose beauty lights and shimmers over the pages in ripples of finest gold. The roses of fancy and the goats of the artistic imagination constitute a large part of the flora and fauna of CHRISTMAS JUDGE. But there are many other things that baffle all verbal power of description. The gems that are scattered throughout it are too numerous to mention. Fancy, if you can, a raw-oyster feast stretching around a circus ring three deep, and each bivalve containing a smoked pearl the size of a pea. This would give the lapidary a faint idea of the jewels which sparkle in) JUDGE'S Christmas crown of triumph. Turn the paper around this way and that, and you have a kaleid- oscopic effect in humor that will cause you to declare CHRISTMAS JUDGE to be an Arabian night, or rather an Arabian Christmas eve. It is light and cheery and will make you shake off all your superfluous overcoat of fat while you dance for joy. It is the biggest kind of a lit erary Christmas plum pudding which is pretty much all plums and which makes you forget your coal and gas bills, together with all the other troubles that flesh is heir to. It makes you satisified with yourself; it prevents strained relations with the cook, whom it also causes to remain with you for at least three weeks. It is a grand chromatic panacea that also fills you with hilarity, until you gladly forgive your creditors, as they may not forgive you. It is a mental, sofa-pillow of silk, stuffed with balsam that fills you with pleasant day dreams and gilt-edged reveries as you lounge before the blazing logs and gaze at the smoke-rings as they rise from your cigar, and watch the snowflakes flurry without, and give three cheers for the greatest cheer of all cheers extant—the Christmas cheer, which is only another name for CHRISTMAS JUDGE. Make the whole family happy by ordering a copy from your news- dealer. WORTH ITS WEIGHT 33 IN GOLD 3 25 cents a copy | DOCTORS. 66 P)OCTOR ™ means learned man. It is a simple, modest title to assume, is it not? Itis, indeed, for a doctor. It would not do for a carpenter, or a banker, or a lawyer, or a venerable sage ; it would be too vain, but it is a modest name for a |doctor. A doctor, rightfully, should call | himself doctissimus. Doctors have whiskers—red, black, pink, or brindle. They wear them in a beautiful Vandyke cut. If they would turn their rich gifts of hirsuteness to mortar- | making they would gain an honest | hood; but they will not do this, They insist. on being doctors. Some people, observing the bearded nature of doctors, have thought it strange there should be this relation between whiskers and physi- cians. But logically there is no relation, for doctors and whiskers are the same thing. Whiskers and doctors—doctors and whiskers. When you have said them a few times you don’t know which you are talking about; and there is no harm in this, for it is immaterial whether you con- sult a doctor or a set of whiskers. Doctors have also red rosebud mouths. Pedants say it was Moliére who first cast doctors into ridicule ; but this is not so—it was the doctors themselves. It will be seen that Lam not speaking of all doctors, but only of those of whom Lam speaking. T admire a doctor—I cannot help it. Upbraid me, if you will, for hero-worship, |and seek to persuade me to carry my ob- ligations to your own joss, but it will be in vain, his studi I admire a doctor. two, or even thre does this by sitting in raised He pursues years. He ats at lec- jtures and indulging in ancient Assyrian asinine jokes. He then goes into active | practice for three or four years by not having any patients, and thereupon he is a doctor with a full beard—a Vandy beard, red, black, yellow, pink, or brindle. ays and manners of doctors are magnificent, but as they are always the same and consist of about two ways, they may be comprehended. A fairly good ham-actor could learn the ways of doctors—which would include their professional learning—in about a week, and occupy so few hours each day | as to be the envy of honest labor. Doctors, after they are fledged, so to speak, associate together in flocks and take offices in a tall building down town, The idea is that when people find them in the very centre of the metropolis and with Vandyke beards no questions will be asked. There is also, here and there, a large and impressive waiting-room equip- ped with some magazines and a young lady of noble and unsympathetic manner While the patients sit about the wait ing-room the young woman eyes them coldly. One can readily perceive that she knows the patients are reading the magazines only to conceal their shamefu nervousness. As for herself, she is noi subject to disease or accident, It is par: of her work to answer the telephone ani! affect to take messages of pressing im port to the different doctors. After a doctor's hour has begun he takes possession of his office and remains for a long while alone, so as to give his patients outside a fixed opinion that he is sawing off a man’s leg. A prime sight is when he appears a: one of the doors of the waiting-room and appears to look about for his next victim First you see his whiskers. Then you notice his beard. You observe his wonderful opinion of himself. He has large white hands, which he regards as marvels of strength and suppleness. He has always had children and invalids to deal with, and even they were usually fettered or chloroformed, so that his strength tests have not been very decisive If he should enter a ring he would think his strong, white hands were a couple of oysters. He is also proud of his strong, supple brain, but sometimes he goes into court and finds that is an oyster, too. s before stated in this scien- i the effect will be best, he comes to his door opening into « the waiting-room, opens it with monstrous vigor, and looks upon the timid people waiting to be healed. He glares in upon them, using a clairvoyant disease-descry- ing gaze. He affects to believe that all the throng are about to rush upon him at once, He then bawls out, “ Mr. Throop, as if Mr. Throop’s time had now come and no power could save him. To the lowly and mortal patients nervously read- ing their magazines, the doctor conveys * the impression that he is due at a con- ference on a railroad king in about ten minutes, Mr. Throop, who is probably a neu- rotic, and who has been lifted out of his chair with a start which would wreck the nervous system of a teamster, now goes in, and the vigorous doctor ‘closes the mysterious portal behind them. One after another, at different doors, the patients are yanked in, They do not re- turn to the waiting-room. After being treated they are let out at side exits or are buried in the building. 4 Pure Old Whiskey, that Tickles the Palate and Stimulates the Ambition. INSTROM 61 INSIST ON NOVENA RYE AND ENJOY YOURSELF and receive the handsome book “After - Dinner Stories?’ Free. betel by EAGLE LIQUEUR DISTILLERIES, RHI S. CINCINNATI, comicbooks.com