Judge, 1901-11-16 · page 6 of 16
Judge — November 16, 1901 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents a Western tall tale framed as salon storytelling. The Colonel, a taciturn prospector (photograph upper left), finally agrees to share a remarkable experience from his mining days. His narrative describes a harrowing Apache attack while prospecting with Bill Tweed: trapped against a cliff face with six mounted warriors closing in, certain death imminent—then abruptly ends: "They just sailed in and killed us!" The joke is the anticlimax. After building dramatic tension, the Colonel reveals his story has no resolution or escape—just death. This subverts the expected Western adventure narrative where the hero survives through wit or courage. The page's other content—"The Horsey Man" (satirizing know-it-alls who think horse knowledge equals understanding human nature) and comic vignettes—are unrelated filler typical of Judge's satirical magazine format. The overall effect mocks both frontier mythology and pompous storytelling conventions.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
‘THE COLONEL'S STORY. HEY had been telling stories, and when everyone had: told pretty near all the stories he knew, and the office of the little western hotel had grown rather quiet, one of the gentlemen’ suddenly wheeled around in his.chair and, addressing a vener- able-looking gentleman who had been a silent listener, said : “Colonel, during the ten years I have known you I've never heard you y, and yet-you must have had a good many experiences in your thirty years in this mining country. Come, now; open up for once and “RUNNING TO SEED." onel, “1 don't remember of ever having but one experience that was any way remarkable. If you would like to hear that I'd be glad to tell you. It was about ten years ago. Bill Tweed and I were prospecting THE “ HORSEY" MAN. Who knows more than the “‘ horsey” man? Nobody does, for nobody can. A “wise guy"—that is the horsey man; For, knowing a horse, my boy, he knows: All Auman nature, all its woes Wind in the stomach, hoof-bound feet, Jealousy, hatred and deceit: ove and fear and friendship true, Sunny natures, natures blue; Hobo natures, hustler, shirk. Those that will and will not work: These that kick and those that bite, Those that fondle, those that fight: Those you can “touch” and those you can't, Double natures like “Charley's aunt’: Those that will do" you without re- morse— He knows them all, for ho knows a THE CRUCIAL MOMENT. horse. Cuimmie—" Hurry up, Patsy! Take yer pick uv de straws ter see who goes In an’ gits licked first.” out here with no great success, and one day, when we o saw the tracks of a bear near our shanty, we con- 4 fe | cluded we would take a day off and have a shot i at him if possible, We tramped till nearly noon irene without any success. We then built a fire ) and munched our cold bread and meat in silence, We were presently startled out of our wits nearly by a blood-curdling war-whoop of six mounted Apaches com- ing toward us at full tilt. We started off at a speed I did not know [was capable of, The Indians were close up to us, and we could hear their exultent cries as they unslung their rifles. They began to slow upa little, evidently enjoying the sight, knowing they could shoot us down whenever they wished. ‘There must have seen something ahead which we in our terror had not no- ticed, for we presently found ourselves plump up against a rock whose smooth sides towered seventy-five feet above us. It was then the Indians let out a war-whoop that was truly blood- curdling, and, closing in on us and raising their rifles” For heaven's sake! what did you do, colonel 2" exclaimed a newcomer from the east. “Do ?" replied the colonel quiet EVIDENTLY DISTRAIT. y. “What could we do? They just Gtabrs— Did he act desperate when you refused him?" mei " ” Erne—~Awtul! Why, he dropped one of his golf-medals and never noticed It."" sailed in and killed us!” cay yaunav.