Judge — August 24, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ine clase oumoering eahibtiors PHE ‘The VARTRAY WATERCO, Bafralo, N.Y.. U-RA. 7 MEDAL tthe PAWIS EXPOSITION of 1900, PROVOKING! ‘A young man—a very charming young man —was engaged to be married, and he went down from London for the wedding to the place where his bride lived, full of the brightest hopes and expectations, and in his pocket he carried the ring with which he was going to marry his love. But, alas! when he reached his destination, his love had changed her mind, thought better of it—would not marry him at all, ‘So he came away very miserable, and he thought he would go and hide his sorrows in a little fishing-village, where he had often been in happier days ; he really could not face the world yet. And as soon as he arrived at the village, he went out in a boat, and took the ring from his pocket, and threw it far out to sea, Next day a remarkably fine fish was brought to table, and when it was opened what do you think they found? ‘* Why, the ring,” of course you will say, as I did. No, a fishbone, A most provoking story.—d ugustus J.C. Hare, There is but one dest, In bitters it is Ab- bott’s, the Original Angostura. Get the gen- ine. At druggists. Miss Wilkins the novelist may yet make up her mind to marry that Metuchen dentist, but it comes like pulling teeth.—A /bany Arg: EARL & WILSON'S fo COLLARS CUFFS&SHIRTS BEST IN THE WORLD. WHY THE ENGAGEMENT WAS BROKEN, fremous Astronomer. See thet the name “Flammarion” is on each glass 108 Baye ar Teter iis warwee Kear A CONFERENCE THE Rose held court one summer day. She tossed her regal head, And in her own majestic way Unto her courtiers said : “* The Lion 's the King of Beasts, I'm told, And I'm the Queen of Flowers, I think it meet that we should hold A Conference of the Powers, “+ The Queen of Sheba went to see King Solomon the wise, ‘They say her gorgeous pageantry Quite dazzled his old eyes. * And so King Lion, when I arrive, Shall be transfixed with awe. A hundred butterflies I'll drive My chariot to draw. “+ I've never seen the Lion yet; I know him but by name. But dandelions I've often met— Doubtless they're much the same.” And you may well OF THE POWERS. The Rose set off in wondrous state, And after a few hours Her herald, at the Lion's gate, Announced, * The Queen of Flowers ** Enter, madam !" the Lion roared (As gently as he could), * May I remark, I've long adored Your Majesty so good.” He laid his great paw on his breast, Then most politely bowed And broadly smiled upon his guest. The Rose just shrieked aloud. The awful beast she greatly feared ; In dire alarm she screamed, Her dignity all disappeared, Like a Wild Rose she seemed. ** I do not like you, sir, at all— Oh, go away!" she cried. And then she climbed the nearest wall And down the other side, believe, since then The timid Queen of Flowers Has never tried to A Conference of the Powers. hold again CAROLYN watts. MY GREAT IDEA, By Tom P. Morgan. SAW the statement in a newspaper, not long ago, that so rapid is the rise and fall of popular heroes in some of the South American countries that statues of presi- ‘dents, generals, and other illustrious men | are very often made with adjustable heads, so that when the volatile populace become weary of seeing one particular prominent citizen around all the time and are ready to exalt some other fellow, they can do so at merely nominal expense by simply taking off the statue's original head and putting ‘on another. In thinking the scheme over, it struck me that it was a praiseworthy as well as an economical plan, and also that it would be a great and appreciated blessing to the world at large if living beings were created and fashioned with adjustable heads. For instance, what a privilege it would be if a properly constructed committee could, ere it was too late, take the statesman who is prone to talk too much; or the young hero who evidences marked symptoms of oscu- lating himself into obscurity, and put upon each a new and improved head which would not repeat the indiscretions of its predeces- sor. I once knew of my own knowledge an osculatorially-inclined young man upon whom the thick-necked brother of a certain peach-cheeked maiden put a large and pain- ful head, and it worked like a charm. The young man couldn't have been bribed after that to even begin to think about kissing an unappreciative girl. If adjustable heads were in vogue any enterprising person who desired to get ahead could not only gratify his ambition to that extent, but could doubtless get sev- eral of them if he so desired. How nice it would be to have a good business head for week days and a piously bowed head for Sunday! A head for figures would be use- ful in the office, and it would be a positive boon to be able to don a fresh head of nor- mal dimensions some morning after we have been sitting up with a sick brother in the lodge on the previous night. And, ah me! how joyful it would be when, upon certain occasions, a willowy young woman, who was afflicted with elo- cutionary talent, was about to teeter forward and favor us with a few spasms, if some philanthropist were able to beg pardon and quickly supply her with an utterly dumb head, or each of us could pick up the grip- sack he had thoughtfully brought along and extract therefrom and don a stone-deaf head! Suppose the long-suffering husband could replace the loquacious head of his talkative wife with one that had absolutely no tongue—well, say, none of us would ever be resigned to quit this world of care! If, when the young and side-whiskered graduate comes forth from college with his little diploma in one hand and a tolerant superiority in the other, the proper party could substitute for the vastly inflated brain-box he was wearing a head of ordi- nary circumference with short hair on it, what a blessing it would be to his relatives and the rest of the community, and, inci- dentally, to himself. And it would be a good thing if the heads could be deftly snatched off from the average young actor, the ordi- nary young lawyer, and the common, or domestic, variety of young doctor, and re- placed with heads filled with horse-sense and experience and a little veneration for something besides themselves ; and it would be a still better thing if their heads were just simply snatched off and left off alto- gether. The head of the average young whiffet who is ashamed of the fact that his three- cornered old father was in honest trade, or knew how to plane a board or plow a fur- row, could be very cheaply replaced with a peanut, and nobody would ever detect the difference. Bicyclists could be very appro- priately equipped with heads from the near- est lunatic asylum, with wheels in ‘em, and golfers would find indestructible rubber- heads of much value. The poet should have a nice large putty head, with long. curly hair on it, and every inoffensive city man ought to be equipped with a head of solid granite for the police to break their clubs on—and so on and so forth. Yes, my dearly beloved, I say, without fear of successful contradiction, that it woul! be a veritable benison if humanity were on!) blessed with adjustable heads like those on the statues of South American patriots ani {heroes. comicbooks.com