Judge — August 17, 1901 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge’s Funny Stories by Serious People, and Vice Versa. HOW THE “PIPE” WENT OUT. By J. Ed. Coffin. LTEGUTENANT TOM was comfortably adjusted in his hammock, one foot trailing be- neath. He was wondering why ‘on earth the Government found it necessary to establish a post in this hot place. “ Why, the country isn’t fit for white men,” he mused. ‘Nobody but a thieving Apache can stand it, anyway. Don't see the need of troops here now; haven't had any trouble for four years, since we rounded up old Red Dog's gang of cut-throats, Don’t think there'd been any trouble then if the Government's agents had used the Indians square. But old Red Dog's a bad lot, though, and I guess it's just as well that Manchester (N. H.) Daily Union. we've got him here where we can keep an eye on him. Phew! It’s hot! Wonder where Jo Pete is?” He glanced towards the Colonel's quarters. The Colonel was asleep in a camp chair with a handkerchief thrown across his face. The Colonel's daughter, a handsome girl, who had come down from the North to see what a soldier's life was like in the Indian country, reclined in a ham- mock, propped up to a proper and comfortable degree by sundry sofa pillows. She had been reading a novel. The methodically - pacing guard at head- quarters paused occasion- ally to mop the perspira- tion from his brow. “ Deuced pretty girl,” mused Lieutenant Tom. “ Wonder what could have induced her to leave God's country for this infernal place? Ten to one she'll tire of Arizona in a week. Gad, that hammock rope looks a little shaky. Hope if it's going to break it will postpone the event till the young lady goes in. A tumble would be awkward—Hullo! What the devil "—— Something shot through the air with a swish, settled down over the head of the guard and was drawn taut with a snap. It was a lasso and on the handle end of it a little brown boy danced about in great glee. The sentryman threw off the lasso, shook his fist good-naturedly at the boy and resumed his measured walk. “ Come here, Jo Pete, you rascal !" called Lieutenant Tom. “I'll have you put in the guard-house if you don’t stop playing your tricks.” Jo Pete coiled the lasso around his arm. “ Where ‘ve you been, Jo?” “ Down wid Injuns,” “ Where ‘d you get that rope?” “Red Dog. He show me how ketch um hoss. ‘Then the little fellow curled himself up on the piazza. Lieutenant Tom fell again to musing. His eyes rested fondly on the boy. “Queer little kid. Can't run wild around here much longer. Get- ting old enough to send away to school. Hope he'll turn out all right, but if there’s anything in heredity he's liable to make trouble for somebody one of these days. Old Bandylegs, his paternal relative, was one of the worst Indians in Arizona, and he died with his moccasins on, all right. Hullo! What's up at the Colonel's quarters?" ‘An orderly had just swung across the hot space with some mail and was on his way back to the company quarters. The Colonel came over to Lieutenant Tom with an open letter in his hand. “I wonder what's the matter with the old man now,” mused the Lieutenant. “I hope he doesn’t want me to hunt any more bucks to-day.” The Colonel stepped up on to the piazza. * Lieutenant, the paymaster is on the way here from Fort J. ED, COFFIN, . He “And —the rope broke. will have a guard as far as Red Sand ford. You will meet him at the ford and relieve the guard from Fort And, by the way, Lieutenant, take old Red Dog along with you and turn him over to the guard from Fort . He's causing uneasiness among the young bucks here.” Then the Colonel turned on his heel and returned to his comfortable camp chair, and, as he crossed to his quarters, little Jo Pete slid from the piazza and disappeared. “Well, I like that,” grumbled Lieutenant Tom to himself, as well have sent me into the hills. This means forty miles of torture to- morrow. Phew! Hope it will rain, but it won't.” That night old Red Dog and a band of young bucks left the fort, and some of the good Indians said the missing braves had gone on the war- path. Next morning Lieutenant Tom, Sergeant Bill and a squad of troop- ers started for Red Sand. It was a long, hot ride to Red Sand, and when they got there it was with a feeling of relief that they threw themselves from their saddles. Lieutenant Tom was not quite satisfied with things. He had been asking himself all kinds of questions while on the march." Now what ut it into old Red Dog's head to run away just at this time? Why didn’t Re wait till after to-morrow? He knew live beef rations were to be dis- tributed then, and he enjoys killing his own rations next to cutting the throats of white men.” An exclamation came from Sergeant Bill, who had been intently scanning the horizon in the direction of Fort . * They're coming, eh ?” exclaimed Lieutenant Tom, * Must be them, sir,” replied Sergeant Bill, Lieutenant Tom brought his field-glass to bear on the dark spot in the distance. He gazed long and earnestly. then turned and handed the glass to Sergeant Bill. “Take a look, Sergeant. and see what you can make out.” Sergeant Bill, who was an old’ and experienced plainsman, squinted through the glass. “Something wrong there, Lieutenant. "t just make it out. U: forms all right, but they must have ‘listed a queer lot of rookies at Fort lately. Hanged if they don’t look funny. ‘They ride hunched up like uaws. They're no soldiers.” Lieutenant Tom took the glass again, * Youre right, Ser- cant, they're not soldiers ! hey’re Indians, and the ard from Fort as been trapped and butchered! Call up the men. We'll give those red devils a surprise party.” And’as the troopers lay waiting Lieutenant Tom's mind was busily engaged in working out a few problems. “This accounts for old Red Dog’s exit with those young bucks last night,” he mused. A moment after he slapped his hand down hard on his leg. “Clear as crystal! Jo Pete! The little rascal heard the Colonel say the paymaster was coming and that old Red Dog was to be sent away !" ‘The Indians figured that their little masquerade party was workin; like a charm, and doubtless anticipated an easy job in paying off a few old scores with the troopers. They came slowly on until within a few hundred yards of Lieutenant Tom's men, when their horses suddenly broke into a run, and with foud yells the fiends swooped down upon the soldiers. Sure enough, there was old Red Dog, howling like a demon and riding like mad. And beside him astride a piebald bronco was little Jo Pete. But the swoop wasn't a howling success despite the savage war whoops, for the carbines of the troopers cracked spitefully, and there was business in thecracks. Back upon their haunches went the horses of the Indians who escaped the hail of lead. Then around the soldiers the howl- ing Apaches whifled in a circle, Suddenly old Red Dog and several of the braves-drapped from the circle and dashed straight at the troopers. It was a hand-to-hand scrap then, Lieutenant Tom closed his teeth hard. A bullet cut a furrow across his forehead and blood mingled with the perspiration which streamed from his face. Just then, old Red Dog, whose horse had been shot from under him, made a rush for Lieutenant Tom, and ~ the rope broke. Lieutenant Tom's “ pipe went out. Lieutenant Tom came down by the run, as the sailors say, and the Milky Way held a convention about his head as it came in contact with the hard flooring beneath the hammock. He picked himself up and glanced fartively across the way, but the Colonel's daughter had gove in. ‘He felt ” Might better. Turning towards the little grinning brown ball curled up beside , my boy, you're all right.” Aoi Be Cog the lasso he said, “ Jo Pe