Judge — August 10, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Highest Grade. Purest Beverage in the Wisi an Evidcased by bing ewrded the Gold Medal At the PARIS EXPOSITION of 1900 in Competition against the World, the Righest and only award. Better than Imported: “ AMERICAN PRODUCT gs On Salo at Cluds, Hotels, Cafes and by Leading Purvoyors. Made by THE VARTKAY WATER CO. Beffalea, N. Yq U. 8. Ae IP ONLY! If Care were not the waiter Behind a fellow's chair, When easy-going sinners Sit down to Martin dinners And life's swift stream flows straighter— By Jove! it would be rare If Care were not the waiter Behind a fellow's chair. If wit were always radiant ‘And wine were always iced, And bores were kicked out straightway Through a convenient gateway, ‘Then down the years’ long gradient "Twere sad to be enticed, If wit were always radiant ‘And wine were always iced. —Mortimer Collins, Abbott's, the Original Angostura Bitters, lighten work and lessen worry. At grocers and druggists. “* He's an egoist of the worst kind,” said the first actor, speaking of another, ‘ He's deter- | mined to be different from everyone else in his profession.” ‘*Considering that determin: tion,” remarked Pepprey, ‘* how can he be an egoist ?"—Catholic Standard and Times, **Daubs has painted a dreadfully bad pict- ure, What shall I say about it?” ‘You can safely say it is full of individuality."—Zondon Tit-Bits, ALL HE ASKED. Mr. Gotrox (severely)—"* There must be a check to this extravagance,” Cuou.y Gorrox—"* Exactly, pop. Make it for about a thousand.” “Quality” A New Society Magazine — Satirical and Witty Published Monthly Out August Ist Price 10 Cents AT ALL BOOKSELLERS Beautifully Printed and Illustrated The Route of the LEHIGH VALLEY RAILROAD is through the “Switzerland of America.” A STRIKING JOHN JOHNSON, to! a pious wight, Stood high with well-bred folk, And ne'er was struck by storm or blight Until he got a stroke. Oh, dreary day! oh, weary day! For wife and lass and lad, When Fortune called for diamonds And clubs were all they had. This is no silly golfing The truth unsullied EXAMPLE. They supped no more on tender quail ‘They sipped champagne no more; Unopened was the father’s mail, Closed fast his office-door. ‘The family grew white and lean, And blackly to him spoke And blew him up; but on the green ‘All day he tried his stroke. sell— is: That though Jobn Jobnson stayed quite well, It paralyzed his biz, MRS. JEPSON'S W EDWIN L. SARIN, EATHER NERVES. By BLK. Munbittrick, PERHAPS the queerest part of Mrs. Jep- son's make-up is her weather nerves. There are doubtless many people with} weather nerves, but I never knew anyone else with this trouble or ailment that was affected by it in quite the same way that Mrs. Jepson is. If I may so put it, Mrs. Jepson is a series of sets of weather nerves, and she has nerves for every kind of weath- er. There is the set of nerves that is put in action by the cloudy day, the rainy day, the gray day, and every other kind of day. She also has snow-storm nerves and nerves that are made active by humidity. Now, during a rainy day she becomes dissatisfied with the appointments of the house, no mat- ter what they may be, and then she makes a parlor and a library table change places, and takes the Carlo Dolci from the dining- room and puts it in the hall, and takes the Adirondack etching from the hall and hangs it in the living-room. And on the next rainy day she will change them all back. Mr. Jepson recently caused her great men- tal pain when he told her that a good spell of rainy weather would completely wear the furniture out; and when she told him what a horrid brute he was for making such a remark, he told her that one kind of weather right straight along would kill her because of the awful monotony of the work in which it would involve her, and this did not put her in a better humor. Only the endless variety of the American climate, he contin- ued, could save her from the lunatic-asylum, and she should therefore be thankful that once in a while there was a brisk east wind to cause her to let upon the furniture to give the dog a bath. How strange that she should want to give the dog a bath when- ever the wind blew from the east! and how much stranger that the dog should run out every morning to ascertain from which quar- ter the wind was blowing before he could know whether he might spend the day in peace on the Japanese-silk sofa-cushions or be compelled to seek safety under the barn! But most of all Mr. Jepson disliked the weather most that sent his wife forth on a shopping expedition, even if she remembered him generously in her purchases. And he also disliked the weather that so affected her nerves as to send her to the opera to seek the consoling influence of music that her depression might be overcome. Mr. Jepson made a great deal of fun of his wife's nerves. One day he asked her if she thought there could be a climatic combination that would cause her to tear the passementerie off her shirt-waist, give it to the kitten to play with, and then kill the parrot, stuff it with prunes, and perch it on the best hat of the servant-girl before she could “ give notice.” ‘This naturally upset Mrs. Jepson quite as much as could a Nile-green sky over a mouse-colored day lit by the old-gold draper- ies of a fading woodland and an ice-wagon joggling down the road. 1 will not attempt to give her reply, as I know that even the glish language has its limitations; but | say that Mrs. Jepson wanted to know if she hadn't a right to her weather nerves when she couldn't help having them, or be- ing a victim of them. Mr. Jepson, having a keen sense of humor, said that it was ex- tremely unfortunate that the weather nerves that set her at moving heavy furniture around did not appreciate his financial con- dition sufficiently to drive her to doing something more useful. He thought that, if she could be driven by a rainy day to do- ing the weekly washing, that rain would bz quite as desirable for his pocket as for the successful development of the crops; and he furthermore argued that, as she would then enjoy the washing, even as she enjoyed the changing about of the pictures and fur- niture, all would be well, He thought that the weather ought to drive her to doing the family mending instead of to the washing of the dog; and that instead of sending her off on an expensive and unnecessary shop- ping tour, it should have the salutary effect of opening her financial eyes and causing her to see how she could save money by staying home and going without a new gown, and by covering the straw hat with velvet for the winter and the velvet hat with straw for the summer. One day she became so exasperated that she could stand it no longer. “Why don't you,” she asked sarcastic- ally, as she drew herself up theatrically to her utmost inch, “find a climate that is al- ways such as affects my nerves in a way to suit your fancy, and take me there to live?” He remained silent, and she continued “ Perhaps you think that such a climate does not exist outside of Paradise.” “It exists right here, my dear—right here,” he finally said, * but it is misdirected.” “T don’t understand you.” And thus the brute replie “Twill explain, It is misdirected be- cause it inspires you to move the furniture around instead of to do the housework. You just use your will-power so that your nerves will be superior to the weather inso- much as you will be able to select the kind of work that will do us the most good. Then there will be no wear and tear on the houschold effects, and you will be able to do all the work, until the first thing you know we shall be able to get along without a servant at all, and that will mean we: and happiness beyond all doubt.” But Mrs. Jepson was in tears. wil comicbooks.com