Judge — April 22, 1899 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHAUNCEY. _ Senator Depew has been house-hunting in Washington, and it is reported that he was not able to find a mansion that suited him. How would the white-house do? There may yet come a time when he can take up a four years residence there, — Sunday's American, On, Chauncey! if we'd only get you there, Seated snugly in the presidential chair, For a period thereafter We would shake our sides with laughter, And we'd bid farewell to trouble and despair. 0, Chauncey ! on inauguration day, If sou'd let your funny fancies have full sway, We would stand around there yelling At the jokes that you'd be telling, And some of us from joy would faint away. Ob, Chauncey! if you only were the boss, ‘Avda foreign nation “upped an’ give” sauce, With a jest or two you'd calm them, With an ancient gibe embalm them, And youd have on them what's sometimes called a ‘* hoss. Oh, Chauncey ! now suppose that you were it, And an office-seeker talked with you a bit, hough he wore a sadly-broke look, You could open up your joke-book, And he'd cultivate a swift conniption fit, Ob, Chauncey ! if you were our mainmost guy Vou could write to Aguinaldo on the sly, And with what you had indited Vou would get him so excited That from laughter he would go to work and die. Ob, Chauncey ! if we'll ever see that day Then will come to you the jokists, and they'll say, “ Dearest Chauncey, please, sir, tke me Yo your cabinet and make me Secretary of the joke department, eh?” —Hobart in Baltimore American, jans prescribe Abbott's, the ginal Angostura Bitters, to tone up the sys- tem—they know Abbott's will meet every re- quirement. All druggists. “Well, Geordie,” said the caller, “* what do you think of your new little baby sister?” ** Oh, 1 don’t know,’ replied the Prairie-avenue six- year-old with a yawn. ‘She's all right, T sup- pose She relieves the monotony.” —Chicago Tribune, PURE, REFRESHING, ANTISEPTIC. For all-round hygienic excellence no cleansing agent compares with Packer’s Tar Soap. SCOTLAND'S BEST. RODERICK DHU M. F. Frame, sole agent, il Broadway, N.Y. “HAVE YOU BEEN OVER THE LOOP?” lah question asked of every tourist returain Col-ssdo, Tole attractive trip is via “The Colorado ton made pleasantly and convenientiy it ‘y. [teouprehends the inost sublime and beautl ul ‘the route belng through beautiful jove massive walla tower hundreds of fet above the train. Ia addition to the Loop trip, Toa should by all means go throvch pletaresque Platte Canon, than whic bo grander scenery {a the world. "For descrip ter pivaae write, Inclosing two-cent stamp, to. T. ¥, FISHER, General Passenger Agent, ‘THE COLORADO ROAD” (Colorado and Southern Railway), Denver, Col. us | travelers starving on a snowbound train. “These verses make no sense,” said she; “*Tcan’t tell what they mean.” “Good! They'll make dollars, then,” cried he, “In any magazine.” — Catholic Standard, ‘The word “parlors” is being overworked. ‘There are “*hair-cutting parlors" and “* hat- cleaning parlors” and, worst of all, “dining parlors.” Think of the abuse of language, the contradiction of terms, involved in the phrase “dining parlors"! Presently there may even be" horse-shoeing parlors."— Buffalo Express, Dr. Ball's Cough Sy and sure cure for croup. dren are attacked with that dreadful disease you can depend on this marvelous remedy. It never fails to cure at once. Price, 25 cents. The really up-to-date romance must depict Per- ishing on a waterless desert is distinctly old style.— Philadelphia Ledger. A woman will scold her cook from breakfast to bed-time, but if her husband finds fault with the poor domestic the wife will take side against him every time.—Princefon Tiger. Friend—* So you were one of the guests of the Skyscrape hotel when it burned down? Were any lives lost?” 7raveler—"* Only one. He, poor fellow! lost his head and tried to de- scend by the fire-escape.""—WNew York Weekly. “Is that a new prospectus?” asked the caller who found the business man reading a book with highly-colored covers. *‘*No,” was the answer; “this is a fairy-tale about Merlin the magician. I like to read of a man who got a reputation as a wizard without keeping a lot of stockholders guessing about where their money had gone."— Washington Star. BETWEEN THE ACTS is the name of the orig- inal to for roc. little cigars. They were an instant success when first offered to the pub- lic 21 years ago, and notwithstanding the many imitations and substitutes that have been made, Between the Acts (or ‘Acts” as every- body calls them now) are more popular and sell more than ever be- fore. All stores have them, 1o for toc.; butwe would prefer—if you have never tried them —to send you 50 for 50c. (delivered free). American Tobacco Co, — * P.S— sen tifally-colored LES Send § cente im postage for a beaattfally 507-529 W. 22d St., New-York City. folks-on-parade “It's for Kipling gettin’ better, sir,” the col- ored sergeant said ; “* An’ when he's up an’ out again they'll paint the town in red— They're shoutin’, sir, for Rudyard in the ‘mornin’! —Atlanta Constitution, ‘The most efficacious stimulant to sharpen the appetite is Dr, Siegert’s Angostura Bitters. See that you get the genuine. ** Johnny, groceryman's year-old, * a lie and doing very wrong.” State Journal. ‘Pa, what is a lineal descendant?" “A line eal descendant is a person who has to fall back ‘on some praiseworthy ancestor for his own im- portance." —Detroit Free Press. An Alton (Illinois) woman, whose husband . deliberately allowed herself t0 be caught in the act of committing theft, so that she could be sent to prison and thus be with Some meu's wives can't trust them alone, even in prison.—A /bany was in her, matrimonial partner. Argus. ‘What are the people shouting for?" said id a teacher to a south-side lie can be acted as well as told. Now if your father would put sand in his sugar and sell it he would be acting “That s what mother told him.” said Johnny impetuously, *and he said he didn't care." — Columbus (Ohio) Don't try to keep track of the seasons, For really you couldn't begin ter. With a spring day between it will quickly be seen That.we've jumped right from this to next winter. —Philadelphia Record, 'm going to quit; our boss is too tyran- nical,” What's the matter now?" ‘He's made a rule that no clerk shall wear a mustache during business hours,"—Chicayo Record. “T don't know where my next load of coal will come from.” "* Well, you are hard up. I know where my next load witl come from, but T don’t know how it is to be paid for."—Chi- cago N ed to stay on your Yes. I've made up my mind it’s useless for me to try to learn to fall off gracefully."— Detroit Journal, Hicks—" There's Grility. What a pity so fine a looking fellow should be deaf and dumb.” Wicks—"'Vhe dumb is all right; but if he wasn’t deaf what an agreeable person he would be to converse with !"— Boston Transcript. Tillie—"* Have you any war-souvenits?” Millie —" Ob, yes See this curious collar eorge brought Ie said he captured it from a Spanish captain at the risk of his life." 71l- fie—" What? ‘The wretch! Why, I sent him | that when he was in Tampa.” land Plain 2. | the déshabille \ But notice the Sus- uM pender. It has more available stretch than the ordinary Suspender and IT DOES NOT GRAD- UALLY PLAY OUT. Con- sequently trousers do not sag and buttons are safe. Careful dressers appreciate the perfection of fel. SDaspencets Its the gradvated cord end used only In the Chester ‘that makes It better than any other Suspender. acTRes Rndarell” model at 90 eta. The C.8 C, ‘ta. ‘Sample paite postpaid on receipe 9 Brice. Scart-fusuener tree to, purchasers who leo send name of thelr farnisher who docs Dot Keep them CHESTER SUSPENDER CO., SDacatum Ave, Horbary Cromiog, Masa i Dealer, \F You’RE A NSCEDTRE PERFECTION. We will send on receipt of t0c. a sample to any address. Catalog free. In beauty of design and elegance Jd beauty of de nothing to equal the Waverl ayete 40 Waverley Catalogue tells of a—Free. |) indiana Bicycle Co., Indianapolis, Ind. THE CELEBRATED SOHMER HEADS THE LIST oF THE HIGHEST GRADE PIANOS. It is the favorite of the artists and the refined musical public. SOHMER & CO., Piano Manufacturers New York Warerooms, SOHMER BUILDING FIFTH AVENUE. COR. 220 STREET. Established 1823. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! LAKE SHORE LIMITED: Leaves New York 5.30 every afternoon via New York Central. Arrives Chicago 4.30 next afternoon via Lake Shore. comicbooks.com