Judge — January 28, 1899 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A HOPELESS CASE. HEN a gay and attractive Klondike “widow” wagered chocolates over a golf-score with young Armour it was unfortunate for him that she conceived the larky idea of sending him sweets stuffed with soap and other use- ful but unappetizing substances. No doubt young Armour deserved all he got, since he was engaged to a very nice girl and had no business spending his off-times on the links with widows, Klon- dike or otherwise; but it was more unfortunate that the candies arrived as he was leaving his rooms to dine with his fiancée, and it was then that a fiend tempted hin and he fell. Nor did he explain—so swift is the down- ward path—when the girl admired the dainty contents, that the box had not been purchased for her. Instead he complacently, as one convicted of good taste, watch- ed her crunch her pretty teeth over a chocolate. Suddenly an agonized look came over her face. She burst into tears and fled from the room. Her bewildered fiancé seized a chocolate and tasted it. His first remarks must go unrecorded, likewise his subsequent comments on the Klondike “ wid- ow.” Then the irony of the situation dawned upon him. “If,” he reflected bitterly, “I do not ex- plain she condemns me as a cad—a low, prac- tical joker. If I do explain—oh, Lord!" He flung the box into the fire- place with vio- lence and stood staring gloomily after it a minute; then he flung himself out of the house also with violence. While up stairs a furious young woman wrote note after note in the third person, each more cutting than the last, and invariably breaking off “the engagement she Entered into with Mr. Armour under the mistaken impression that he was a gentleman.” WANTED TO SEE HOW IT WAS DONE. Fonp Mamata (tohose son Tommy is Uncle John's presumptive heir)— “Tommy, come; say good-night to Uncle Join and go to bed.” Tousy—*in a minute, mamma. Nursie says uncle drinks like a fish and I want to see how he does it.” PRAISE FROM A SISTER. Mr. Clubb-—" How were the papers at the meet- ing of your club to-day, my dear?” Mrs. Clubb —" Oh, perfectly lovely! were but two—Mrs. Bigg’s and Mrs. Little’s—but they were both writ- There NOTHING VERY SERIOUS. Mrs. Ketty—"' Och, Pat! whin th’ docther told yez ye hod some- thing wid a Latin name to it a yar-rd long didn’t it sheare yez?” Mr. Keity—" Shore, an’ it did, Norah. Bat whin he only charged me a dollar fer it | knew it didn’t amount to much.” A TRICK OF FATE, QN THE car got Pat Maloney, Fresh from Biddy’s fond embrace, ‘And upon his manly shoulder Lay a shining raven trace. Cholly Dudely brushed against him, And the hair was soon transferred. Cholly placed it in his wallet With a low, half-spoken word. Thus it was that haughty Dudely Treasured up with tender care, By a set of circumstances, Biddy Dugan's raven hair. MC LANDAURGH WILSON. A HARMLESS STIMULANT. Warwick—"| read that a French physician has been conducting some very elaborate investigations to discover the most healthful form of amusement or Wickwire—" Ab, and what did he finally conciude was the most conducive to longevity ?* ten on just the sweetest paper you ever saw, with the cunning- est. little monograms fon the corners.” Major BLugcKass (nervously)—"* Deah me! I knew suthin’ or other ailed me. ACCOUNTED FOR. Major Biusiup (/carnedly)—** Three-fourths of the human body, majah, is composed of watah.” That accounts faw the Warwick— Dueling.” strange taste I have in my mouth when I wake up mornings.” comicbooks.com