Judge — July 23, 1898 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

: THE WAR FIANCEE. ‘A FABLE. YOUNG woman of the vintage of 1898 was one day taken to task by her conservative parent for the folly of her numerous matrimonial engagements to young war volunteers immedi- ately previous to their departure for Cuba. To his great sur- prise he was informed that all these engagements were made coldly and dispassionately from purely patriotic reasons rather than. the possession of a half-dozen or so diamond engage- ment-rings that now scintillated on her dimpled digits, she arguing that these young men would fight better for Uncle Sam while “ engaged,” attempting prodigious feats of valor in order to gain laurels to lay at her feet upon their return; that it was better to have their money invested in diamond rings than to let the whisky-ring appreciate its bulk, render- ing the investor hors de combat ere he was called on and needed for a charge; arguing that fifty per cent. would suc- cumb to yellow Jack, twenty-five per cent. would be engaged opening bottles with Schley (on the sly) and succumb to en- nui or delirium and its trimmin’s; fif- teen per cent. would fall crushed under an avalanche of bursted air-castles, “And the remaining ten per cent?” interrupted her father (from a purely dog- ged resolution to get a word in edgewise). “ How about them? They will come back to claim your hand or the diamonds when the war is over.” “Let them,” she cried. “By that time I shall have married Harold Yeast- cake of the home guard, and shall have sons old enough to cow down any of the remaining gray-haired fossil fiancés who might have the temerity to create a scene.” Moral—All's fair in love and war. WR, COOK. IN CLOSE QUARTERS. WHEN Polly's up in arms you'd deem My lot a lover's far from happy ; You'd quite expect her then to seem Most irritable, cross and snappy. Yet, when in arms against me I To love's behests my heart resign She pillows ‘gainst me, with a sigh, Her golden head—the arms are mine. a 41 S) a Sites yr NO LIE, CHARITABLE LADY—"' Poor fellow ! I suppose your eyes pain INDIRECT EFFECTS. Boozer Ben—" Goin’ ter sign de pledge? Is drink injurious to yer?” Desronpent DAN—" Naw ; it’s de constant worry uv mind figgerin’ how ter git de drink dat's breakin’ down me system.” IN THE SWIM. “Will you haye a bite with me, Bass, old boy? There is a party of ladies fish- ing up above. I've hooked a seven-course dinner from them, commencing with clams. We'll never strike another such snap.” THE GIRL IN THE COUNTRY. OF THE troubles that happen her joy to wreck And to fill her heart with woe, There is always the bug dropping down her neck, And the crab catching hold. of her toe. SEASONABLE STUDY. De Garry—" Why do you think the summer girl will be more attractive than ever this year?” Merritt—" Because she has had such fine practice in kissing the soldier-boys good-bye.” ABOUT MURPHIES. 66 RRAH, go ‘way wid yure little Long oiland p'ra- ties,” said the newly-arrived Mr. Murphy to his nephew. “Shure, thim we raise at home do be so big thot half a bushel o’ thim ‘ud fill a bushel bashket.” THE SOLDIER-BOY. NOW he's in camp and ready for the fray, He finds his hands and feet all fall of blisters. ‘War does not seem such ‘sport as on that day He kissed good-bye to other fellows’ sisters. THAT IS WHY. Fosdick—" What made Spain think she could deal the United States a ‘terrible, glori- ous blow’?” Keedick—" 1 suppose it was because she had so many terri- ble, glorious blowers.”