Judge — July 16, 1898 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE USES OF WAR. MBs: HEIGHTS of Brooklyn was reading aloud the war news in extra number four-eleven-forty-four of the Evening War Dog. The ex- citement was at its highest, and cities were being shelled like: green- pease in a prosperous restaurant. Our thin, blue line of heroes was being applauded in head-lines over a foot high, and from the blurred, indefinite printing of some of the pages it was evident that the great rapid-firing presses on Park row were getting hoarse with joy. Mrs. Heights was reading the Key West special from the Evening War Dog's own commissioner, Mr. Whopper Teller, author of “Lie in Haste and Retract at Leisure,” “ The Lie Circumstantial,” etc. The story he had burned the wires with read as follows: «Key West, June 'steenth,—Prodigies of red hero- ism! Admiral Goliath's fleet, engaged in the battle of Armageddon, is making Castilian blood flow like liquid bluing. Submarine mines are exploding every minute and torpedoes every second. The crimson roar of the cannon is incessant, and:it is expected that in ten min- utes Cuba will be blown off the map. For further particulars see special extra number four-eleven-forty- five.” APROPOS. “Isn't it awful?” commented Mrs. Heights. VAN SycK—'‘I've tried every known remedy for consumption.” Von Stick —* You must have quite 2 medicine-chest."” “ Well,” replied her hus- band, who was sitting on the ‘small of his back, waving his legs in the air in a vain at- tempt to amuse the baby, “I wish I had this child down “on the heights of Havana, where he could see it. If the battle is so terrible as all that 1 think it would entertain him to perfection.” REASONING WORTHY OF SHERLOCK HOLMES, MANS hineye woman First poaeper—"'I'll bet the new arrival is or has been an actor.” takes sin everything she SECOND BOARDER—'* What makes you think so?” tells her. She does, and in- First BoARDER—" Haven't you noticed the way he ducks his head when asked if he will have an egg?” cidentally takes him in too. ALAS! THE reason the patriot-editor "s blue Is easy enough to explain When he wishes that half of the poets he knew Mad never remembered the Maine. 4, u. rooney. EASILY RECOG- NIZED. +S YOU say,” inquired the Washington officer, “that you saw the runaway team coming down the street before it was within four blocks of you. Why didn’t you rua down some alley or Cross street ?”” “IT didn’t think of it,” moaned the injured man. “I had no map of the city with which to find the location of any alley or cross street.” The officer immediately became all attention, for he now knew that the victim was CUPAGTAERE: a, member, of the “strategy Mas, Javsox—"' W'ot wuz yew sayin’ ‘bout th’ starvin’ Cubians 7” Mr. Javson—"' Wy, ef they’s so hungry I don't see w'y they don't eat th’ hull beef. 1 see in'th’ papers how they’s allus board. hollerin’ fer Cuby liver.” Y paper 7 comicbooks.com