Judge — January 8, 1898 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LUNETED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE, ‘One copy, one year, or $2 numbers - $5.00 ‘One copy, six months, of 20 numbers - 3.80 One copy, fer thirteen weeks 135 facluding the Cusistmas Jcoce. FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS —To alt foreign countries in the postal union, $6.00 : ‘a year. THE JUDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY (Junce ButLninc) Corner Fifth Aveaue and Sixteenth Street, New York. EB-Circulation larger than any other cartoon weekly in the worl. E8™ NOTICE TO PUBLISHERS —The contents of Juoce are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this copyright will be promptly and vigorously prosecuted, $1,000.00 witt be given to the contestant in JUDGE'S prize- puzzle competitions who Is the first to solve correctly every one of the puzzles in three successive contests. EAVEN HELP the clients of the Pittsburg lawyer who had his pock- ets picked in court the other day. GARA BERNHARDT confesses to yo ee fifty-five years, but she does insist that some of them shall be accredited to some other woman. CHICAGO begins the new year with a hen that lays hard-boiled eggs. There must be a hot time in the old hen at any hour in the morning. GEORGE VANDERBILT sets an excellent example. Start the new year by giving your wife an insurance ‘on your life for a million dollars. MA8TIN THORN says he is con- vinced that the next world is bet- ter than this, It may be better for him, but heaven help the other angels! RIME DOES NOT PAY. Think of the sufferings of the murderer sentenced to death who has to leave behind him scores of women anxious to marry him. THE LADY of Kentucky who pro- poses to run for president on the prohibition ticket has misplaced her- self. Let her go to Kansas and grow down with the country. WE HEAR of a pension scheme in behalf of the great-great-grand- children of the soldiers of ‘seventy-six; but it seems to us better to consider that in behalf of the descendants of the Mayflower. Mr. Durry (reading) — ike t' git hoosbands.” THEY TELL of a tribe in central Africa which permits a debater to speak only as long as he can stand on one leg. In our senate men talk for weeks without a leg to stand on. THE STORY of Cassius M. Clay and his child-wife is too pathetic for any kind of fun. Let us rather recall the fact that the old man was an abolitionist before the war and when to advocate the holy principle in- volved was to invite danger to his own life. A PROFESSOR has discovered a battle-ground at least twenty thousand years old in Indian territory, and he believes seventy-five thousand warriors were killed in the battle. Which reminds again that figures are capable of the most extravagant of all falsehood. SAY. LOOK HERE! If you do not register you cannot vote; and pray do not forget the diary, the good resolution, and the new leaf. There are going to be lots of opportunities for reform this year, and you want to vote for them at the opening of the polls. A MISINTERPRETATION. Sivinteen more women goi Mas. Durry (indignantl)—* Faith, an’ Oi hope they'll belt th’ loife out av th’ faithliss divils whin they foind thim. seems t' be a rigular shtampin'-ground fer roonaway hoosbands.” THE DEMOCRACY OF OFFICE-HOLDING. THE SPEECH of Judge Grosvenor of Ohio against civil-service reform, in congress the other day, was received with applause. The senti- ment against that miserable humbug is growing every day, at Washington and in every state. To the victors belong the honors, the flags and the emoluments; and there must be no aristocracy of office-holders and no princes to inherit it. CONSERVATISM AND PROSPERITY. THE MESSAGE of the president is a document in behalf of business and prosperity. It advises that the nation attend to its own affairs and let those of other nations alone. It threatens no war and settles all appre- hension of one, Somebody says, it doesn't set fire to any river. Why should it? There is no glory in such disturbance of any body of water, and unnecessary conflagrations are fit only for small boys. THE ABSENT LORD. ORE WOMAN who was jealous of her husband put on trousers and went out to search for him, and presently found herself locked up. Another woman went out to look for her husband. and, falling into an air-shaft, had her leg broken and received other injuries. It is far better to trust to the honor of the absent man, What good would it do to find him in bad business? Why stir up trouble in the family in that way? Where ignorance is bliss is it not folly to discover something ? GREAT TROUBLE. i | HE KAISER in China forms the wedge which it is hoped will event- ually divide the flowery kingdom and give it up in pieces to Germany and the other powers. Austria in the sultan’s domain meant the same thing; but his majesty was too amiable and therefore a further postponement. The kaiser in Hayti? Ob, let us not be apprehensive; but must there be a war and must it result in the dismemberment of the governments of these two continents ? NESS MUST BEHAVE. SHIP is a great thing. It ought to mean safety to every citizen in every country. It is the glory of England that she has vindicated the citizenship she confers regardless of cost. It certainly is curious to see great Germany growling at little Hayti, and it ruptures the Monroe doctrine to a slight extent; but littleness doesn’t mean the right of injustice, and crip- ples who deem themselves safe from punishment because of their misfort- une must learn the value of good be- havior. PROTECTION AGAINST VILLAINY, THEY TELL of young women who marry veteran soldiers on their death-beds; not entirely out of pure affection or as a matter of good faith, but to take unto themselves the pen- sions which Uncle Sam is so anxious to confer on non-combatants. It does seem as if these proceedings were an insult to the morality of matrimony and to the good names of the veterans as well, and that there ought to be a certain kind of protection both for Uncle Sam and his best friend the old soldier. t' Klon- Thot Klondoike BY OUR AGED SOLOMON. WHY PEOPLE should make such a fuss over the advent of a new year is a something that grows in surprise as one grows old. Why joy? Why celebrating? Why cuttings-up and fulsome frolic when the truth is that it is merely an advance in time and everybody knows that the old times were better than these? It is vanity. It is the old wines in the new bottles, whereof the result is bad. Save the pieces as we may, the bouquet belongs to the better period long gone and the rest is ashes. Why whoop? Why exalt the tin horn? Why congregate about old Trinity to shoot shrieks into the music of its midnight bells, forgetting altogether the bones of Paul Jones and Aleck Hamilton? Youth is vain and thoughtless. Otherwise it would take this baby year and spank him at birth, that he might learn the meanness of this world at once and so save him the expe- rience that, coming later, is twice humiliating and three times tough. comicbooks.com