Judge, 1897-10-30 · page 7 of 16
Judge — October 30, 1897 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple brief humorous sketches typical of early 1900s satirical magazines: **"Protected"** mocks upper-class pretension: Mrs. Dash boasts of firing at a burglar but couldn't shoot because he stood before her expensive new stained-glass window—implying material possessions matter more than safety. **"An Evident Fact"** is a classified ad joke: someone wants a flying machine, "price no object"—satirizing the absurdity of early aviation fantasies. **"Tricks of Hallow-Eve"** presents nostalgic folklore about divination customs (mirror rituals, wishing wells) before concluding modern girls only use mirrors for vanity—gentle social commentary on changing attitudes. **"Her Bad Aim"** is domestic humor: a wife misses her absent husband only because she can't throw a cup straight when he's home. **"Why He Kept Them"** presents rural dialect humor: a farmer keeps chickens "for appearances" only, implying they're too scrawny to eat—poking fun at rural poverty or pretense. The page is primarily light domestic and social satire without specific political content.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
PROTECTED. seAFTER all A your boasts, Mrs. Dash, you did not fire off your pistol at that burg- lar?” “How could I? He was standing right in front of my new stained-glass AN EVIDENT FACT. Ah aR Wanted, immediately, one flying-machine in good working order. Price window. no object. Address Scaredolopus Quitemucholus, Athens. TRICKS OF HALLOW-EVE. N HALLOW. EVE, in olden times, Her fate a maiden read From bowls of water in a row, And drops of molten lead. Or with a mirror in her hand, At midnight all alone, She saw her future husband's face Reflected with her own. In darkness, with a ball of yarn \ She sought the wishing-well, wut Vy And wound until he rose to view bs se oko tnee rune ry, M In answer to her spell. zrecting, Txven’s, Cos t 100% SSxaaCe, J “ig Or in the churchyard’s lonely bound, But listen and give me a chance. r é Between the graves a-row, She scattered hemp until his shade But simply’ William Wald s, ‘fad : Came after her to mow. A-journeying back from Klondike diggin’s. : ‘ I started there ; no step more brisk was. What's that you say—where are my whiskers? ’ But all these customs quaint and old Well, friends, 1 must confess, alas! & “: My mule ate them at Chilkoot pass ; Are laid upon the shelf ; And I, not being quite a fool, HER BAD AIM. She only takes the mirror now Why, 1 turned round and ate the mule; Hewrtt—" Does your wife miss you when you are To see her pretty self. And being round I journeyed back away?” A yard of ribbon and a rose And lived a month on that ere jack. + She misses me when I am at home.” : So back I've tramped that hungry beat, 7 What do you mean?” Are all abe ceeds te weave, A-looking round for things to eat. : She can’t throw a cup straight.” A stronger spell around his heart ‘Than tricks of Hallow-eve. MIKKA TRYING, THE SEASON ENDED. ++} {OW did you know that the base-ball season was over? You never attended the games.” “Twas in Lawyer Johnson's office yesterday and heard him tell his clerk to put the back-in-ten-minutes sign on the top shelf in the back room.” TROUBLE FOR BOTH. He —* Oh, of course, dear, it is all right for you to eat onions if you like them, and I'm not the one to stop you; but, I declare, it’s hard work to stand it.” She —* Well, 1 don’t blame you, Harry, for after I eat them I can hardly stay where I am myself.” A TECHNICAL MISINTERPRETATION, - WHY HE KEPT THEM. Uncie Pocus—"* Th’ wurst in th’city? Wa-al, STRANGRR—"' I see yo" keeps chickens. Does yo" keep dem fo" toe eat ?” by ginger! ef I wuz constable here it wouldn't take Mr. Ketcuum—'' No; on'y fo' appearances. Yo" doan’ s‘pose I'd eat sech chickens ez dem, do yo'?” me long t haul vp thet feller, b’gosh!” comicbooks.com