Judge — February 6, 1897 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Suage UPID—A LA MODE. Ob, ye bachelors a-wooing maidens fair and fort-~ une’s maid, After dance and dim flirtation and the proper promenade, If her heart you fain would capture and secure your dearest wish, lay your lordly knowledge of the mystic afing dish. Gently hint that you're a gourmet of a palate hard to suit, ‘And disparage old Lucullus and some other ‘chaps to boot ; Then prepare a dainty rarebit with an air of un- concern, And there may be millions in it—if you've done it toa turn, Love hath naught of sweet persuasion that can beat the art of dining. And the maiden will surrender to your epicure designing ; And T'll intimate a motto when you've caught this gentle fish, - Quite an up-to-date escutcheon—"* Heaven bless ‘our chafing-dish.” MARY €. FRANCIS. AN ARGUMENT FOR TOBACCO. s+ NOW you needn't talk to me, Jack Kilduff,” said Mrs. Kilduff in a decided tone. ‘I know very well that tobacco is injurious to the system, and I therefore intend that you shall keep your promise that you made before I consented to marry you, and refrain from smok- ing. Besides being unhealthy, tobacco is bad for the parlor-curtains.” “I don’t intend to break my prom- ise, my dear,” replied Mr. Kilduff, “ but I thought it possible that in the generosity of your heart you would release me from it, especially when you remember that it was made under pressure.” PRESENCE OF MIND. Here, here, woman! what are you doing? Get out of here, or Shure, but Oi jist phwant t' lock me trunk.”* Blanche Kilduff tossed her pretty head, but did not reply. “Twill merely add," Mr. Kilduff went on, “ that it has been proved by investigations into the ravages of cholera at Hamburg that tobacco is a most use- ful article—in fact, cholera-germs cannot exist in the mouths of smokers. There were no living bac- teria after twenty-four hours in cigars made up with water containing one million five hundred thousand cholera-germs to the cubic inch. The microbes die after an exposure of less than an hour to the smoke of tobacco. Experiments showed that a man with cholera-germs in his mouth could kill them all in five minutes by beginning to smoke. So you see, my “ What is that, love—that I may smoke two cigars a day?” “No; the compromise I suggest is this: In view of the excel- lent effects of tobacco in neutralizing cholera-germs I will give my consent to your smoking just as soon as the next cholera-ship reaches the port of New York.” WILLIAM ENRY SIVITER, ANOTHER CABLE-CAR ACCIDENT, HE. agile but inexperienced man jumped from the cable-car as it was going at full speed. He keeled over, rolled rapidly in cir- cular somersaults, and brought up against a pile of paving-stones. The car stopped, passengers stampeded, and the helpful man rang an ambulance-call. The object of consternation picked himself up, clapped his hands to his sides, and exclaimed with deep annoyance, “Confound it! I've lost my glasses.” dear, that if I were a smoker now, as I was before I became engaged to you, there would be no danger of your husband dying of cholera. He would be absolutely immune from that deadly disease, He would be more am- ply protected than he is by vaccination from small-pox. It might be worth while to add, my dear, that the amount of life-in- surance I carry is so small that you would be left prac tically penniless in case I should die of cholera, You will see that it is for your sake I ask to be allowed to smoke, and not at all on my own ac- count.” ™ Well, dear, you make out a very strong case, and I am moved to offer a compromise.” ONE WHO FINDS BUSINESS RECOVERING, HONEST BABBLING Brooxs—"*See here, Dobbs; aldough dere may be a feud in yer fambly agin soap I wisht yer'd drop de subjec’. I onc’t lived a teeeé on a bar uv soap wen I wuz honest.” Dusty Donns (incredulous)—"* D'ye mean ter say yer eat it?” Banpiixc Brooxs—" Nit! I cut it up in little squares an’ sold it ter farmers’ wives as de ‘ Sure-cure corn-salve."" AN UNPROFITABLE HOLD-UP. Foorrap—"* Yer money or yer life Tue DUKE—"* Money? Good gad! how widiculous, me good fel- lah! Why, I'm an English dake-” "(Footpad faints ) ‘Comicbooks.com