Judge — January 23, 1897 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Suage PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME. 10 A BOX of jewels was stolen from your store last month?" “Yes. It was a curious theft. Our washerwoman was scrubbing up the floor and saw a richly-dressed lady come in and steal the jewels out of a box. This gave the washerwoman an evil idea and she up and stole the box.” What did you do with the washerwoman?* “The judge gave her six months for theft.” “What did he do with the lady ?” “Let her off. Case of kleptomania.” A SUNDAY-SCHOOL DIALOGUE, Reverend Dr, Boneshake—"A painful rumor hab reached me dat Brudder Backslide done got tight yes- terday. An’ he had jes’ signed de pledge toe drink nuffin’ but watah.” Deacon Setback (dubiously)—" Mebbe he was watah-tight.” TOO TARDY. THE first time Stuart had a foot asleep he was not pleased. “I wish my foot would get up when I do,” he said. MATERNA. “*T feel for you, my son. “1 wish you wouldn't do it with a slipper, ma.” NOT SURPRISED. MAY as visiting her aunt Jane, and was very restless, Aunt Jane said, “ You must keep still or go home. I want you to understand I am an autocrat here.” May didn’t seem a bit surprised. “A naughty cat?” said the tired little girl, “I've known it al- ways.” NOT POSTED. Traveler (in the south, to aged negro)— “Do things seem to brighten, or does the cessation of business continue?” “Ah reckon, mistah, yo’ behin’ de times. Dat secession business done stop yeahs ago." THE MISSING ONE. Alkali: Ike—"" When they hauled Cop- perhead Bill up in court yesterday he sud- denly jerked out his gun an’ tured it loose permiscuss. The lawyers dived under the benches an’ the judge jumped out of the winder.” Dr. Slade—" Did Bill escape?” = Alkali Tke—" Nope; they captured him NOT A LINGUIST. right off, but the judge is still at large.” Doctor—" How are you feeling this morning?” pmateeets Farin Jones—" Pow'ful sick, doctor.” | Ae E woife do be more av a gintleman than Docrox—"* Did you use that external application I gave you last night? Farman Jones— My wife an’ I figgered whether externul meant big er little doses, an’ not understand- _some Oi'm a-knowin’, if Oi do say it in’ them Lating words I concluded tew swaller her all at once. Yew think I took tew much at one time?” mesilf. MR. MCGARVEY. T'S lucky it is fer some fel- lies’ woives thot they ain't married. It’s some min thot don’t talk wurds; they talk carpit- tacks. Th’ mon thot do know he ain't shmart is th’ shmart mon, me by. Whin Oi rade pooetry th’ shtuff goes in wan oye an’ out th’ other. Bejakers! it’s th’ dand- JUDGMENTS FROM | Shure, it’s mesilf thot do be thinkin’ some av th’ mon- keys evilooted from min. Six months day an’ six months noight! Me son do say they hov it thot way in some counthries. Will yez be afther tellin’ me which is labor-day wid thim fellies? DAVID HM. TALMADGE, WHETHER STOUT OR THIN, THE X-RAY MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD KIN, comicbooks.com