Judge — July 4, 1896 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

40 Sudge REVEREND MOAKLEY MCKOON CATCHES ON. ¢¢ EMANCIPATED catterpillars—In my rema‘ks dis mawnin’ I alluded to de illustrious example ob Gawge Washin'ton w'en he crossed de Delaware on an ice-gorge to su’prise de Hessians, an’ I suppose dey was su’prised, but I fink I said dat it was a fedder in his cap. De snigsificant fac’ to which I wish toe call attention am dis. W’en I spoke ob de fedder in his cap I counted fo'teen men in dis awjence dat put up deir han’s toe see ef dey was fedders in deir wool. Now I doan’ suppose any on yo’ imagined yo’ had on er new Easter bunnit, er dat yo’ pompadour was out ob curl. Even if yo’ had fedders in yo" haid a piller might hev exploded in de night, er a fedder-bed busted; but de snigsificant fac’ remains, an’ I fink dat fo'teen pussons in dis room bettah drap in somefin moah dan pennies in dis collection, er I will hev ter make fo'teen pastorial calls on Monday, wich am liborious aftah de Sunday service. We will now sing.” ALT, WORDEN, MISS MARY ELLEN EASTSIDE AND THE FORTUNE- TELLER. MAME DARLING 's engaged again, an’ this time I guess it’s for keeps. He's a South American, interduced by letter from one of her old beaus, an’ he’s as black as an umbrella an’ looks like a sheeny an’ swears he isn't. Th’ very first week he was here she yanked him aroun’ to a fortune- teller’s (trust her for that !); so ’t he could pay th’ dollar. Th’ fortune-teller ups an’ tells her she was goin’ t* mary him an’ be very rich; so, as might have been expected, he perposed to her on th’ way home. Wasn't nothin’ else he could do, as I see. But I never see anybody so squshed with love as he is, in my life! He raves about her golden hair (it’s red) an’ calls her his red rose, She's red enough in all conscience ; ‘specially ‘bout th’ time she gits up our stairs after she’s been with him t’ one o” them messy tabble-dote din- ners. His big black eyes jest follow her all aroun’ th’ room; an’ he says he don’t think she’s a bit too fat. He's given her some beautiful diamon’s, an’ what does she do but git me U take ‘em, every one, to a pawnbroker an’ have ‘em tested—see how much I could git on ‘em. She's th’ downy puss! I'm th’ daisy that teok a “come-on” out of her forrune= A BATON note on it th’ hull arternoon.” POTATO-BUG SHOOTING IN THE WEST. A sketch by our special war- correspondent on the field. Uncie Gorswan —"' By gum, "Mandy! Ef I wuz th’ maniger o' this show I'd dock th’ wages o' that chap thar thet's wavin’ th’ flute ; fer, I swum! he hain't played a ONE CONSOLATION. ‘Axcept me sympathy fur th’ loss av yez little Dinnis.” Vis; bad lock t’ th’ mon thot invinted grane apples !" Grocan —"* Vis; but yez may t'ank hivin thot it wor not red wans thot carried aff th’ little saint !” teller, though. I dressed in black an’ snigged a mournin’ bonnet an’ veil of ma’s an’ went aroun’ there one evenin’ with a five-cent weddin’-ring on, an’ * Madam Vordoo, the Indian priestess,” went inter a trance an’ told me I'd soon be married for th’ second time to a very dark gentleman (George is a blonde) that I had never seen. While she was rigmarolin’ I took a look aroun’; every- thing in the room was cheap an’ old an’ pizen dirty; an’ so was the old dame herself, There was a lot of stomach-ache pict- ures on th’ walls, in straw frames mostly; an’ a parrot an’ a lot o' white rats. "Bout th’ time she got through I made up my mind I wasn't goin’ t’ pay her no dollar; so I just told her right out she was an old fraud an’ picked my dollar up off'n th’ table. She made a grab for it, but I was too sudden for her. Then she locked th’ door, an’ I made for th’ winder t’ holler “ Perlice !" so she changed her mind an’ unlocked th’ door. She called me a “tramp; but did she git my dollar? Oh, no; not on her tintype. BUNCO, MADRLINE ORVIS, HIGHER THAN THE THEATRE HAT. | THOUGHT her hat was high— In fact, I knew it ; For vainly had not 1 ‘Tried to look through it 2 By it my sight was masked, And to improve it T most politely asked Her to remove it. And did she doit? I Pause here to question The judgment that would try Unasked suggestion, I found that though her hat Rose like a spire, She had a temper that ‘Was ten times higher. W. J. LAMPTON, comicbooks.com