Judge — March 21, 1896 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE WIDOW O’TROUT ON DRAMATIC MUSIC. WHIN me Cornay- lia graduatid from th’ grammary- school she was fer tak- in’ singin’- lessons ay Profissor Ragtaggio ; an’ no sooner did he xit howld av ber than he'd her head shtuffed full av goin’ on th’ shtage, “ D’ye cabl that singin’?” says Oi, “ Lettin’ a succeshin av scraches out av yersilf that sounds loike th’ brakin’ av crockery ! An’ garglin’ yer troat in th’ froont parlor ‘til Oi'm foorced t’ call out t' ye that ye'd betther shput it up! But divil a bit cud Oi shtop her; an’ whin one Sunda’ ther’ was an ad- vertoizemint in th’ pa- per fer one hundhred A FATED SQUAW-MAN. ALPALFA AL (swhose suicidal Leap has been checked by a jutting rock, mournfully) —"" 1 saw thet arter she'd Kot me conwalessent frum th’ rattler bite thet her intenshuns waren't hon- nerable an’ I managed ter git noomony; but she nussed me outer thet, an’ now thet this cussed rock hez spiled my leap-year program it's good bet thet she'll be roun’ hyar wi’ a lariat ter oun’ me up ter th’ matrermonial mare ket fer keeps,” FROM BAD TO WORSE. rr bachelor brother)—"* Bob, where's your diamond ring 2” you see, Sue—my—hem “— Same old story, of course; your uncle 's got it.” “Why, no, confound it, it's my little nephew this time ; I let him take it to play with, yesterday, Mas. Newtywen (¢o Brotuer Won —" Why—er— Mrs, NEwLywen (scorn/ully)— Brotuer Bow and he swallowed it. young an’ purty chorus-gurruls she'd me out av me bid an’ dhressed an’ down town av a Monda’ mornin’ wid her, lavin’ Mrs. O'Shaughnessy wid th’ washin’ an’ th’ shtoor, hersilf bein’ that bewilthered wid th ap givin’ out an’ th’ biler springin’ a lake, an’ th’ childther runnin’ ivery foive minutes askin’ fer shtuffed cats an’ glass marbles, thot she was foorced t' loy down on th’ dhurty clo‘es in th’ middle av th’ kitchin flure, lavin’ th’ hoydrant runnin’, afther dhrinkin’ nothin’ but tay an’ sody-wather, as she towld me hersilf, as is a respictable lady from th’ county Shligo. ; Whin mesilf an’ Cornaylia rached th’ tinimint where we was directhed we'd a crowd ahid av us rachin’ out oover th’ soidewalk, an’ insoide th’ dure was a man, blue wid th’ cowld, an’ havin’ a pair av russet shoes on himsilf, an’ a Faydora hat an’ a shpring overcoat. He was makin’ a spache half-way up th’ shtairs, tellin’ thot he hod only hired a room there timporary, an’ th’ landlady, as was a tailoress, hod thot minute locked him out av it, sayin’ she was a respictable woman, an’ didn’t want no such gang of faymales about. “Young ladies!" he says, fixin’ his oye on me, “Oi riprisint th’ Fay sisters burlesque com- pany. i've me_ twinty-foive principals ingaged; all Oi want is one hundhred beautiful young ladies fer th’Amazon march, Th’ costoom is helmits an’ blouses, an’ thim thot doesn’t wish t’ wear toights can wear bloomers ; all Oi want is one dollar aych for use av th’ costoom durin’ rehearsal ; an’ all av yez thot haven't th’ dollar can pay fifty cints on account an’ watch fer me advertoizemint on Wedensday, as Oi'm goin’ to hoire a hall.” Cornaylia was fer payin’ th’ money, but divil a cint wud Oi iv’ her till Wedensday (if Oi did thin); an’ whin we lift, himsilf was wroitin’ blue resayts, th’ soize av a post-stamp, on th’ windy-sill at the ind av th’ hall, ~ an’ th’ faymale ommothones was toomblin’ oover aych other t’ pay him their money. MaDsuing onvis CERTAIN EVIE * Do you know my wife 7" ** No, U have not that pleasure.” “Pleasure? Now I know that you don’t know her,”