Judge — December 21, 1895 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ude A FEW GENTLE HINTS. NASMUCH as my many relatives and friends generally send me at Christmas things that I do not want or need I jot down here a few gentle hints as to what I do not expect when Yule-tide comes again. I do not want a jews-harp, harmonica, or piccolo, because the only thing I play is cards, and the neigh- bors make enough noise as it is. I do not want a dictionary, encyclopaedia, or poet- ical treasury, because all the learning and poesy dwells in the female division of my family, and anyhow the world just now is threat- ened by an overflow of scholarship and verse. I do not want pocket-knives and pocket-books, because I'm no carpenter or manicure, and I have no coin of the realm. (How is it no one ever thinks of sending me a razor and some cold cash thereto?) I do not want any bric--brac or photograph-frames, because third-floor hall-rooms do not lend themselves to a display of statuary or pictures, and, moreover, I don’t want my landlady to think I'm a Croesus in disguise. I do not want a pair of slippers or a sleeping-robe, because ‘I'm seldom home, and when I sleep at all I sleep near a hen-coop and a collection of fences where cats hold their nightly symposia. Ido not want an ink-stand or any fancy stationery, because I've got more ‘\, ink than editors can use, and I don’t write love-letters or answer them. COHEN WAS TELEPHONING. Tdo not want a pipe or a box of cigars, because my nerves are made of | CENTRAL (interrupting)—" Place your mouth nearer to the tele- phone, please. BOBBIE’S VERSION. [rt WAS evening and Bobbie's mother was repeating his pray- ers with him. She closed them with a grave ““A-men. “ B-men,” said Bobbie sleepily. SPACE OCCUPIED. Chorus-girl—" What d’ ye git fired fer?” Ex-chorus-girl—"Comin’ down ont’ th’ wrong note.” Chorus-girl— Why didn't ye foller that big strong alto 't stood next t’ you?” Ex-chorus-girl—"\ did, an’ she got there first.” FOOT- BALL NOTES. Darktown was beating Blackville and was crossing the goal, when the umpire called — finest fibre, and I don’t want to get used to more extravagant notions than are expressed in a square of cut plug. eM be TOO GOOD TO LAST. THE teacher hides the rod away And Johnnie cuts up without fear, Regretting, as he is so gay, That Christmas comes but once a year. NVITE your wife's girlhood chum to pay you a post-nuptial visit and then send word to the devil to get the pitch hot. HIS TROUBLED SOUL. HEY were Quakers, brother and sister, and had lived together many years. At last Reuben was taken sick and the doctor had told him it would not be many days ere he would be called to his fathers. Hearing this, he moaned and tossed on his pillow, and Penelope endeav- ored to console him. “Reuben, why dost thee so fear death? Thee hast been a good brother; paid thy debts, given to the poor. Then why dost thee dread to die?” “True, true, Penelope; but "— — lowering his voice—"I have been —and Blackville took the ball. sly.” comicbooks.com