Judge — November 30, 1895 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

346 A LESSON IN ETHICS. A FEW of the more prominent citizens of Deadgulch were gathered about the bar of the Hail Columbia saloon the other evening, when, during a lull in the conversation, a large pearly tear was seen to bubble forth from Bronco Pete's good eye, and after a tortuous and oft-diverted course amid the rugged landscape of his cheek, to lose itself at last in the ocean of mustache. “Boys,” said Pete solemnly, and stopping a rising sob with a hic- cough; “ boys, I wuz jes’ t'inkin’ uv me good ole mudder, dead an’ gone. Did any uv youse cayotes ever hev one ?” They all admitted the soft impeachment, with the exception of Alkali Ike, who, having exceeded his usual evening allowance by about a pint, was not inclined to admit anything. “An’ didn’ youse never hev no mudder, Ike?” asked Pete pityingly. “Naw; an’ I'm blame glad wv it,” snorted Ike wrathfully. “Den all I kin say, Ike, is dat I'm sorry fer yez. Dat accounts fer yer bad manners an’ yer lack uv eddication. No, Ike; youse can’t 'preciate eddication ‘cause yer never hed none, an’ yer can’t ‘preciate mudders ‘cause yer never hed none o’ dem neither. Yer don’t know wot yer lost, Ikey—but p'r‘aps yer hed a father, anyways.” And Pete gazed tearfully at Ike, in much the same compassionate manner as a child surveys a motherless chicken; at the same time sliding his right hand carelessly toward his pistol-holster. “ Naw, I didn’ hev no father neither; I didn’ hev nothin’, ner nobody. A SETTLEMENT Mr. Jac worldly goods | lee endow. Miss SNOFLAIKE (coyly)—"* Doan’ yo' be so hasty, Gawge; we ain’ mahried yit. A MEAN OFFICIAL. AUNT MARTHY WicGINs (who has signaled the car on the new Podunk trolley-line to step. effusively)-—"* Why, haow . Cynthy Ann Spriggs? T hain’t sot eyes on yew Haow’s all the folks ter hum an’ "—— UPEFIED CONDUCTOR (coming fo)—"* Well, fer th’ love o'"— (Ding, ding! Z-2-2-2ip I) ducter.” wipe (plucing the engagement-ring upon her finger)—"* Wit all mah Mr. JAckson—"* Nebber yo’ min’, honey, Dat ring ‘s ull 1's got, anyways.” AUNT Marty Wicatns (faken off her feet, stentorious- A)—" Vew'll git paid fer this, yew pesky whelp! herself together.) Of all the unperlite whelps he's the beat. T'll watch fer the number o' thet car an’ walk a mile an’ a half ter take the railway raoute ter town an’ report thet kin- PARALYZED, Farmer Hayseep (on seeing the horseless carriage’—" By gum! thet settles it, 1 don’t tech er drop from this day.’ ** Wot yer standin’ dere fer, Eddy?” Easy Eppy—" Waitin’ fer dis wheel ter turn, so’s I kin light dis match. Wot's der use uv workin’ w'en yer don't have ter? See?” I hain’t no foreign princelets, an’ yer kin hitch on ter dat,” roared Ike, sticking his bowie-knife into the bar about three inches. “ Well, Ike,” said Pete, shak- ing his head thoughtfully, “I'm kinder glad it’s dat way after all —'cause mudders are guod ings an’ fathers are good tings, an’ eddication an’ manners is also good tings; an’ ef you'd ever hed eny one-uv de four it would hev given ill-conditioned jack- rabbits a chance ter say, * Dere’s annuder good ting gone wrong.” And seeing that Pete had the sentimental drop on him, Ike modestly removed his bowie- knife from the bar, and himself from the Hail Columbia. (Picking ee He OMEN are most selfish in youth and men in old age. comicbooks.com