Judge — January 12, 1895 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

22 NEM OR 4, “Bocton's Ines. Phalacetbbialdeas POPULAR TYPES. CHINESE HUMOR. To the editor of the JUDGE—For the sake of a constant reader of your popular paper 1 hope you will be pleased to publish therein the following funny CHINESE FABLE: A mussel was sunning itself by the river-bank when a bittern came by and pecked at it. The mussel closed its shell and nipped the bird's beak. Hereupon the bittern said, “If you don’t let me go to-day, if you don’t let me go to-morrow, there will be a dead mussel.” The shell-fish answered, “If I don’t come out to-day to-morrow, there will surely be a dead bittern.” Just then a fisherman came by and seized the pair of them. if I don’t come out HE NEVER LEARNED TO RUN. HAVANA, October 31st, 1894. CuonG Hor Hak. Currry-nitt. Pete—"Git a gate on yer, boss! Dey's a mad dog comin’.” , NOT A “NEW” WOMAN. Pe re Pheri as ScHooLkyL—" Heaven protect me! Why was Jack (finishing his story)—“And I tell you, old man, the belle of the reception was Miss Antique. She hasn't had so much attention from men in twenty years as she received last night.” Harry—" Why was it? She's not WHEN A MAN TRIES. Von Bluner—"How many use- less things a man buys that, if he only stopped to think, he could get along without.” Plankington —" What were you thinking of" Von Blumer —" Well, take my dress-suit, for instance. I've had it three years and I was going to get a new one. But I finally sent it out to a tailor, had it cleaned for two dollars, and it's almost as good as new.” Plankington—* That's 0.” Von Blumer—""Then take shoes. Had all my old ones re-soled. Never thought of doing such a thing before.” Planking ton—" No?" Von Blumer—* Never. Not only that, but I've had my last year's silk hat blocked. I've looked around for bargains in gloves and saved a pretty penny. Then take the matter of fur- nishings. Saved any amount, old man, on my neckties. My wife is going to make them for me.” Coonskin Ike (the guide)—" Wildcats, eh? Plankington — Splendid! Have ‘em erkashunll you any idea saved ? Von Blumer— Ot course. I've just jotted down (feeling in his pocket) just how much I've shaved off. Here it is on the back of this bill.” No; but she was the only woman present who wasn’t a member of the gentlewoman’s political league.” THE JUDGE’S OPINION. E WAS defendant in a suit With breach of promise for its root, And at each word the plaintiff spoke He'd interrupt her with a joke. The judge at last his mind expressed, And thought it well to cut it short: “Young man, though you may court in jest, I warn you not to jest in court.” Ya-as, we run ercross but all yer got ter do is ter keep yer eye peeled an’ yer how much you have &U9 reddy. ‘Then w'en one crosses our path jest (unearthly and mar row-freezing screech) — ‘ fy! Plankington— “What bill is that?” Von Blumer (carelessly) —“ Oh, this is a bill for my wife's new seal- skin.” rom stasson. THE young wo- man who is looking for a man of perfect disposi- tion should choose one who can tend POKER TERMS. some one else's Three “trays” against a pair of * bullets.” baby. —Lite out fer all yer wath !" comicbooks.com