Judge, 1893-12-16 · page 13 of 16
Judge — December 16, 1893 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains **satirical humor about carving turkey at boarding houses**, a common Christmas tradition. The joke is an escalating absurdist parody: the author describes carving a turkey using increasingly ridiculous and dangerous tools—drills, dynamite with fuses, cross-cut saws, cold chisels, and mallets—presented in deadpan, technical language as if these were legitimate culinary methods. The satire targets **boarding-house culture** (common accommodations for unmarried men and travelers) and their notoriously tough, difficult-to-carve turkeys. By suggesting industrial explosives and construction tools, the author mocks both the birds' notorious toughness and the pretentious "improved and gentler methods" boarding houses claimed to employ. The humor relies on the contrast between elaborate, dangerous overkill and mundane domestic dining—a common Judge magazine strategy using exaggeration for social commentary.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
The F. & M1, Schaefer Special Holiday Brew On Draught at all Customers. Bottled at the Brewery for Family, Hotel and Export Trade. Brewing Co.'s CARVING THE BOARDING-HOUSE CHRISTMAS TURKEY. [WILL no doubt fall to the lot of the star boarder in thousands of boarding- houses throughout this broad land to disjoint the turkey which the landlady will provide for the Christmas dinner, For the benefit of these star boarders a few direc- tions are appended as to the best method of reducing the bird into a sufficient number of fragments to supply the diners. In the first place the tools required should be brought to the table with the turkey. Few things are more annoying to a table full of hungry men and women than the delay occasioned while sending for a cold-chisel or searching for a missing cartridge of nitro-glycerine. A little thoughtfulness will render such annoyance unnecessary. The tools required are a drill such as is used to perforate iron or stecl, two charges of dynamite (smokeless variety), two fuses, one cold-chisel, one cross-cut w, a mallet, a knife (very sharp) and a fork. The use of the axe for carving is no longer sanctioned in the better class of American boarding-houses. More improved and gentler methods are now employed. ‘The implements being ready and the bird having been placed before the carver, lying on its back with its head toward the dissector’s left hand, operations begin by drilling a hole on each side of the fowl's breast-bone, at the highest point as it lies on the plate. These drill-holes are to be loaded with dynamite later, but their first use is to afford places for the tines of the fork, and they should consequently be drilled at a proper distance apart to permit their insertion. Now hold the turkey firmly with the fork set in these holes, using the left hand, and with the cross-cut saw, held in the right, sever the first joint of the wing on the windward side of the turkey; then in like manner amputate the second joint. Without removing the fork from the breast proceed now in a similar way to disconnect the leg on the same side, being careful, when the drumstick drops into the dish, that it doesn’t splash the gravy over the company. It is seldom that écru gravy harmonizes well with the colors of dinner- costumes. ‘The wing and leg of one side being severed, send the cross-cut saw into the kitchen to be filed by the man who should be waiting there for that purpose. be needed for the limbs on the turkey’s opposite side. It is now time to withdraw the fork from the drill-holes. Insert a charge of dynamite in each, with fuse attached. Tamp down carefully and light the fuse, taking a match from your vest-pocket for the purpose. If the preliminary work has been done in a proper manner the force of the explosion will be just sufficient to loosen the fibres longitudinally, while not entirely separating them, and no one need leave the table while the detonation takes place, Now comes the work of the cold-chisel. Insert it deftly in the cracks made by the explosion and tap smartly with the mallet. If the work has been done thoroughly even the knife may be found of use in cutting the more tender portions of the white meat, At all events, if it is very sharp, the knife will be of service in detaching portions of the stuffing. By this time the cross-cut saw will have been brought back, properly filed, and if the company is a large one the leeward leg and wing may be amputated as their fellows were. If the company is small this part of the work may be omitted. ‘The carver then serves the diners. Always ask each person what part of the bird she or he prefers, for the ladies must be served first. If no preference is expressed send a consignment of both light and dark meat. Put a portion of the dressing on each plate, with a frescoing of gravy. Be careful to save the choicest portion for yourself. It is not considered good form to send the neck to the landlady. The saw may MENKY sIVITER, The WW) Aroyal contest among the funny men of two hemispheres. A feast of humor that will send a ripple of laughter ’round the world. 25¢. isimas 8, Levees. Leave your order with the first news-dealer or newsboy you meet, as the edition is limited. JUDGE PUBLISHING CO., christmas Judge. ON SALE EVERYWHERE THIS WEEK. Se Bigger, brighter and more brilliant than ever. | A good antidote for the blues and the foe of medicines. a 25c. t10 Fifth Avenue, NEW YORK. PUBLISHERS, PRINTERS AND LITHOGRAPHERS Desiring paper of superior excellence and uniformity can secure it of the makers of the papers used in the various publications of the JUDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY. comicbooks.com