Judge — 1891 — page 35: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE'S ANNUAL. TROUBLE IN THE HOUSE. Thay, mithter, thereth twouble at our houth ! My mamma's thut up in her room up thairth | My papa gocth out in the back yard ‘nd thwearth ! ‘The cook hath gone off wiv a pipe in her mouf ; "Nd there ain't a cookey left in the whole houth ! Yeth thir-ce ! thereth twouble at our houth ! Who thaid that T muthn’t ‘nd touldn’t tum in. I cried ‘cauthe I wanted my ma awful bad, And I kicked on the do’ ‘cauthe I wath tho mad ! My pa he wath walkin’ aroun’ in the hall, *Nd he didn’t pay no ‘tention to me at all, But he kept hith eyeth fixth all the time on ma’s do’ ; T ast him w'y he didn’t go to hith sto’? He thaid ma woth ‘nd then pitty quick Theard mamma's do'-knob go elickettv-tlick !” After breakfuth I wanted my ma ; I went to her do’ ‘nd, my gwathuth ! T thaw A gwait jumbo woman with big double chin ‘Nd then Docker Rubob tum out ‘nd thays he, - “Your noath ith bwoke now, ittle man ; you will thee !”” Nd I felt of my noath ‘nd it wan't bwoke atall ! ‘Then ; jimminy ewicketh ! I heard thumfin’ thquall, *Nd pa he thood thill wiv hith eyeth ‘tickin’ out ; Thinkth I, about Yot the Dickenth ith all thith Then out tum old Jumbo, her faith all in grinth ; Thays pa, ‘Well, wot ith it?” Thayth thee, “fe ith twinth ?” Pa thaid he woth glad, but he looked kinder mad— ‘Thaid thumfin "bout luck that poor people ad. Old Jumbo thaid I muth be 'till ath a mouth ; Pa thaid we would bofe dit wite out of the houth ! ‘Tho pa gwabbed hith hat 'nd wushed off to hith sto’, "Nd mebby I won't thee my pa any mo’! Thay, mithter, wath twinth? Wot ailth my , ma now? Wot bithneth hath Jumbo ‘round there any- how? Ise ti’, ‘nd Ise lonethum, ‘nd Ise hung’y too ! "Nd T'want my ma nov, ‘nd—'nd—boo-hoo —oo WILLIAM EDWARO FERNY, ITS FIRST EFFECT. “Look here!” exclaimed the grocer to a loafer; “that’s the sixth lump of sugar you've put in your mouth.” “That'sallright. The last tariff bill put sugar on the free list.” HIS PREFERENCE. Mas. Suispier—“ What part of the chicken shall I give you, Mr. Goodfeed ?"” Boarpex—“ All but the neck.” SHE HIT HIM JUST RIGHT. Miss Neste—"' Are you interested in the language of flo Mr. Appotis (of St. Paul)—'I should say [was ! machinery is my pet hobbies, Seen them patent bags fer packin’ ?” rs, Mr. Appolis ?” g wheat, longs an’ shorts, staple brands, an’ millin’= A NIGHT IN A MUSEUM. lamacountryman, Ido not mean to say that I have hayseed in my hair, orthat in maple sugar begins and ends for me every sweet in life. No, no. lam not that kind of a countryman, I am educated, well-informed, and have little or no hair for hayseed to find a lodgment in. And what little hair I have is white—white as the driven snow, though I am still young It turned in a single night, and it turned in this wise: One day, having disposed of my turnips at a good profit, I resolved to come down to York. York had been the subject of my thoughts by day and my dreams by night. Do not from this imagine thatI am a dreamer, I am a practical, hard- headed (and now white-headed) far- mer, and no visionary. But, such as I was, I came to the city to see the sights, as many a countryman has done before me. But did man ever Is this youth crazy? Oh, no; it is only Cholly Cally, who has been standing. in front of the club fot over an hour with his cane in his mouth. The thermometer is at twenty degrees, and the cane has frozen in poor Cholly’s mouth, see such sights and go through such experiences as I did? I trow not. But to my tale. Well, [reached the city; I wandered about from early morning to dewy A HAPPY CATASTROPHE, Moxey BALLERso Cate. Ecaonp- Moxey lars’ night, an’ had t’ eat he’s way out,” * Doan yo! wisht yo’ wuz Lem Whuffer ?” my Swansey ?”” He done fell inter d’ ice-cream freezer at d’ chu'ch fair comicbooks.com