Judge — 1891 — page 58: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. , MY GIRL. O, she’s saucy, sweet and sunny, And her pa has lots of money, And to be ‘‘correct” she really doesn’t care; She has dresses that amaze you, J She has eyes that simply craze you, Oh, she’s desperately pretty And she’s dangerously witty; She will drive you in her dogeart to despair, With a smile so sweet and simple And a stunning little dimple, And those Japanese inventions in her hair. Should the young lady who cannot manage her train try to catch it? NONE TOO HOT FOR THEM. “At what temperature does animal life become extinct?” inquired the professor. “Well,” said Johnnie, “that depends on what you call animal life. Is flies animal life?” “Certainly.” “Well, they don’t become extinct. The hotter it gets, the livelier they grow, and I know it,” said Johnnie, battling vigorously with a peculiarly aggravating specimen of the musca vulga, or common house-fly. “Oh, no,” said the professor; “there is a point at which heat would prove fatal to flies. Flies would die in the fire, you know.” “T don’t believe it,” said Johnnie, viciously. ‘“ Hell wouldn't be complete without them” “Let us go on to geograp'iy,” said the professor, severely. SIGNS AND OMENS. To see the father of your girl approaching with anger in his eye and a heavy cane raised in his right hand, is a sign that you are going to travel. To lose $50,000, and not have enough money left to buy a dinner, is a sign of poverty. To be hit on the head with a brick is a sign of bad luck. To lose a leg in a railroad accident, is a sign that you will be a cripple for life. To dream of a monster with seven eyes, a tongue of fire, a forked tail, and a double-barreled head, is a sign that you ate a dish of pickled pigs’ fect, a mince pie, and a plate of tripe before retiring. To throw a stone at a skunk is a sign that you are going to get a new suit of clothes. I; eseemerraroeeerse And she wears Mikado daggers in her hair. At her “afternoons” and ‘‘dances,” In a tea-gown that entrances, She will beam on you so brightly—oh, beware! For she doesn't know she’s charming, And she never thinks she’s harming Your poor heart with all those daggers in her hair. While you bend enraptured o'er her She will teach you to adore her; She will take you in a manner quite unfair, Yet the very sky above her Seems to smile on her and love her And the fancy fans she fixes in her hair. BLOW FOR BLOW. MamMA—" Tommy, don't you know that it’s very cowardly for a boy to strike a girl Tommy—"* Is papa a coward?” Mamata—"* What an idea! Of course he isn't.” Tommy—''I heard him tell that Mr. Rounds, who was here yesterday, that he was going to strike you for enough for the theatre tickets to-night.” AN EXPOSE, Litrie Perer Grimes (to the minister who is waiting for Mr. Grimes senior to “finish some important business")—" Wanter see my new pannyrammer of Samson an’ Delilah 7” THE MINISTER—"' Why, certainly! How interesting !" And Peter pulled the curtain. Mr. Grimes—“ Don't pull so like blazes, S'manthy!” comicbooks.com