Judge — July 4, 1891 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE PUBLISHED ONCE A WEEK. W. J. Amenit. Bexxwanp Gritas. L uv, Editor, TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. UNITED STATES AND CANADA, IN. ADVANCE. One copy, one year. or s2 numbers - One cops. six months, or 26 numbers - ne copy. for 13 weeks + == Including the Curistsas Jupce., FOREIGN SUBSCRIPTIONS—To ait for ign countries in the pistal union. %6 a year THE JUDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY (JuDce buILDING), Cor. Fifth Ave. and 16th St. New York. EBT We guarantee advertizers a larger circulation at cheaper rates than amy other American satirical paper published. The Joven ts for sale at brentane't,1y Avenue de COpera. P Newspaper agency at William street, Strand. W, Cy London, at Saarback's American Exchange, Mainz, Germany, and by Ch. E. Alioth, Geneva, Switeerland. Cable address —" JuocRanx in, by the American CHEERS FOR THE POET of the day—oh, let him lay his little lay, eee SHOOT THE GUN and beat the drum—this is the day for boy and bum. ae THE ORATOR with shouting tones has passed away—God rest his bones, eee LASTIC GARTERS stop the circu- lation, The late Star wore elastic garters, XCUSE US, gentlemen patriots, We cannot shriek for freedom—we have a bad cold. WE HEAR of a lady whose head turns bald in a single night." Next day she wears a wig. IS GRANDFATHER'S HAT is a little too small to cover the bumps on his bulging poll. R, EASTMAN, the distinguished Sioux, will be civilized or his wife will know the reason why. eee E HEAR frequently of the man without a soul, but the newspaper without a policy can’t live, REA TO MAJOR McKINLEY —Don't let the majority be too large, dear boy. It might create embarrassment. eee FARMER FRA’ TICKET-CHOPPER E HAVE long suspected that the — off too soon.” queen lived principally out of re- spect for the people of England. HERR MOST behaved himself a year. That ought to have been punishment enough without sending him to the penitentiary, it up there. 00D WEATHER was prayed for in the case of the recent out-door * As You Like it,” but that’s as you can’t have it. of J.B FORAKER takes pains to measure his encomiums of great men, * and his selections of adjectives are quite suggestiv wee PREDICTED by the Albany 7imes that Flower will be unanimously nominated. We suspect therefore that David is going to run. MISS GARNER was an American girl, and she had a right to marry whomsoever she chose whether she had the right or not. AN—PROUD MAN—dressed in an ordinary bathing-suit, plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep. OHN SHERMAN sat in the late Ohio convention and read a newspaper as attentively as if there had been printed therein the fate of nations. AN ERROR ON THE SOUTH-FERRY * Whar's the big bridge?” t's some blocks above here. Farmer FRANKLIN —"' Well, by gum! lin, an’ when that brakeman hollered out ‘Franklin’ | tho't he meant me, an’ just got right off, JACOB SCHEELE, who was hanged at Bridgeport, was a model crimi- nal. There was no kicking on his part either before or during the execution. eee HE MAN SLAVIN should be punished for his disgusting prize- fighting, and we believe the Honorable Mr. Sullivan is just the chap for the business. eee THE SMILE of Fritz Emmet is as fixed in the public eye as if it had been photographed there, and will pass out only when the last of the men who saw him is dead. sae WE DISCOVER after investigation that F. Slavin, the slugger, is a foreigner. Why should he have been admitted to these shores? He has some awfully visible means of support, but he pays no tax. eee T IS PROPER to celebrate the day of independence with spirit, not to say alacrity; but we trust it may not be said after celebrating that there was music by the full band. eae HE LATE MR. WASHINGTON had periods of melancholy. “+I sup- pose,” he once remarked, “that nobody has mourned the loss of your first husband more than I have, Marthy— and I—I never saw him.” eae JAMES W. SCOTT of the Chicago Herald, since his banquet to the Ctover club of Philadelphia, is recognized as the gentleman so frequently alluded to as Great Scott; and in point of fact he frequently baptized himself with astonish- ment and those very words during the progress of the festivities. a BY THE DEEP GREEN SEA. A YOUTH on the beach gave his money to his sweetheart preparatory to a bath. “Prithee, good Gertrude,” he re- marked unto her, a look of suspicion rest- ing on his face, “1 am fond of you, and I would have no doubt of your presence on my return. Thou wilt bide my ablu- tions?” He turned away, but a sudden pang of doubt caused him to linger. “Do not put it in thy pocket,” he called back, “for by heaven I shall need it!” “Out upon him!" exclaimed the maid, a flush of indignation driving away the smile she had worn erstwhile. “TI’ faith he doth take me for a bank wherein the wild ROAD. : ot dimes grow. Yo You 8! OUR CONSERVATIVE WHOOP. DISON is greater than an army. Let this country be invaded by a foreign foe and he will invent something that will save our lives and property and spoil those of the military and uaval opposition, Such of the inventive talent of the world as doesn’t exist here comes here for use when the necessity arrives. Ericsson revolutionized naval warfare and lifted the north out of the biggest fright it had ever had; and if we haven't guns. as good as those made abroad there will arise a something that will enable us to dodge cannon-balls and other methods of destruction. The genius of freedom has something to do with these things, now that we haven't any civil war, present or prospective; and the arts of peace in a republic are more effective than the arts of war that are inherent in a monarchy. Invention has enabled us to escape about half the work that used to be necessary, and eventually it will enable us to escape most of the fighting, leaving a virtual monopoly of that amusement to the aged east. In that day our newspapers and pictorials will get rich from the troubles of Europe, and our farmers will have the same novel experience. The situ- ation to-day is indeed almost as pleasant as the coming one will be. Everybody is tolerably well off, while a few are rich; taxes are not high; enterprise and capital make work plentiful; there are lots of new stars on the banner; our sérvants in high places do not play baccarat and are not sued as co-respondents, and the eagle sits with folded wings and a look of placid contentment from the tip of his bill to the top of his for- merly screaming head. Do we gush, gentle peruser? Do we felicitate? Ah, well—is it not the fourth of July? My name's Frank- Blame it! now I've got to hoof comicbooksj.com