Judge — January 24, 1891 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A NEW GARMENT. SLC aye Moses, look here. I've brung back them pants; they're no good.” “Mine frendt, vot is der madder mit dose pants ?” “The fust time I put ‘em 4 on every damned button come off.” “You vas not posted on der fushions, mine. frendt. Dose is der new Kodak pants.” “What you givin’ us? What is Kodak pants ?” “Oxeckly; dot shows your ignorance. Dem vos my two-dollar Kodak pants. ‘You press der buttons undt ve doe§ de rest." See? You vas righd. in shtyle, mine frendt. Isaac, gif de shentleman a card of buttons, Goot-day.” GIVING THEM A CHANCE. Father (to four-year-old son) — Bobbie, why don’t you get ready for kindergarten? This isn’t Saturday.” Bobbie—Why, pop, the other scholars are so dumb I thought I'd stay home this week to let them catch up with me.” EMBARRASSING. Mns. Papspy (coming forward at prayer-mecting) —“ My husban’ wanted me to explain that he ain't laughin’ at your remarks. He got his new teeth in upside down an’ can't git them reversed till he gits outside.”” . POPULAR FALLACIES. THAT the physician collects his bills with greater ease than the tailor. That men never read cook-books or fashion magazines. That only the eye-glassed young lady feels that inward bliss’ which comes of culture. That a passion for fancy drinks denotes a love of the beautiful. That every two-for-a-penny liar is qualified for newspaper’ reporting. That prussic acid is a neater form of suicide than Paris green. That a folding-bed was made for any other purpose than the encourage- ment of profani That there is a woman living who has hot in her boudoir a work on “How to become beautiful.” That there is a good-looking woman in the world who doesn’t know it. That there is anything that has severed more friendships than the simple plrase “Lend me five dollars.” _That the dude isn’t strong enough to make the milk of human kind- ness turn sour. eid That the match is casily found which lights the first time you strike it. That a man has a bald head when there are a half-dozen hairs on it. That the new tariff will cause the five-cent barber shops to increase their prices. That there is a limit to knowledge any more than there is to a game of poker. That the fact of one’s being a first-nighter increases one’s credit any. NATHAN 4. Livy, THE LAST STRAW. Cousty PENnELore (ef Boston to Cousin Tom of New York)—"'I've been extremely considerate, Thomas, and have let you walk me by Maillard’s and Delmonico's without saying a word, but I positively can't resist seeing what they've got new in here.” HASN’T A SELFISH HAIR. OLD Curmudgeon is the meanest, stingiest man in town, and yet you say that there isn’t a selfish hair on his head!” “Curmudgeon, sir, is entirely bald.” HIS OBJECTIVE POINT. : Guest —" Look here, I wanted four towels and you only brought three.” Bell-boy —* What do you want to do, take a bath?” Guest "No; 1 am trying to stop a leak in this gas jet.” JUST HIS LUCK. Wife (who' supports him) —“ Did you sce that Williams has ad- vertised for help?” Now, there’s a good chance for you,” Eydle— Chance? No chance at all. Williams wants ¢vo men. Just my luck!” SUBTERFUGE. Conpuctor —‘‘ Here, there ! you can't smoke in that car,” Haccerty (who Aas fixed things) —'* Begob! who's shmokin’ i ut?” comicbooks.com